Losing faith and can't leave church

[Doublegloucester]

Hi,

Can anyone help me please? Have nc'ed...
Am losing faith in God but have so much invested in church, not going seems impossible. Am PCC member, involved with a couple of Christian organisations and almost all of my friends come from my church. There is going to be a massive church shaped hole in my life if I stop going, but I don't want to be hypocritical and keep taking communion etc....argh...has anyone else been through this? Thanks.

[BackforGood]

I don't think it's hypocritical to go to Church while you are going through times of uncertainty. Surely we all doubt at times?
If you feel strongly you shouldn't be taking communion, you can still attend and just not take the elements.
The Church (speaking in the wider sense) I know would certainly say it welcomes all, wherever they are on their journey.

Do you have a class or fellowship group that will enable you to delve a bit deeper into your doubts? Or maybe taking part in something like an Alpha Course?

[Bolognese]

Can't you just keep going but not do the communion part and just be a cultural christian? There are a lot of people go to church but dont believe, even a lot of the priests!

You dont have to tell anyone, its none of their business, ignorance is bliss.

[Doublegloucester]

Thanks for replying so quickly Backforgood. Maybe I should just keep going and just not take communion. I guess there's always that concern that other people will notice and wonder why you're not receiving...not that it's any of their business!!

Sadly I don't have any sort of class or group as the church is small. I do have one friend I could talk to there but her faith is sometimes a bit shaky and it wouldn't be fair of me to offload onto her - I don't want to be responsible for damaging her faith, as it's very important to her and she's quite elderly.

It is helping just to get this off my chest on mn though so that's something!

[Doublegloucester]

X-post with Bolognese. Thank you. That is true, I don't have to tell anyone. I think it's just the fear that people will notice and wonder why I'm not taking communion.

Silly, I know but I'm quite noticeable going up as I take a small child up with me. Maybe DH can take her up and I can pop out to the loo or something.
Maybe I've built this up in my mind and it doesn't actually need to be such a big deal.

It's just important to me to be authentic. I wouldn't want to receive communion for example, when my belief in God has almost entirely left me. Rargh. I still want to follow Jesus in terms of all the social gospel stuff though.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

Sorry you're going through this. If your goal is to be authentic, stop caring a rap what others are thinking about you taking/not taking communion.

This is a bit of a leap but I wonder if your faith is suffering because the whole social animal that is church has drowned out your own spiritual encounter? It can happen so gradually. I would also be concerned that your faith is not being nurtured as it should if you have only over friend to talk to about this, and even she couldn't be relied upon to encourage. All this while feeling dependent on a faceless social network. Not how it was meant to be.

I think you possibly have a church problem more than a faith problem, and finding fellowship where you can be real might make your faith feel more real also.

[Doublegloucester]

Thanks, lostinmiddlemarch, I wonder if you're onto something there. I think I need to have a good mull over some of the issues you've raised.

I have thought about moving churches before, it's just that my current church is probably the best 'fit' for my preferred style of service etc given the choices of church in the area and I'm a bit concerned that others would leave me feeling even more malnourished! Still it's never wise to pre-judge these things I guess.

[Aphie]

Can you go up and receive the blessing but not take part in communion? I do this if I'm in a church that isn't my own because I'm weird about shared communion cups. I'm unsure of my own faith too at times but I still find comfort in the routine

[Bolognese]

Can't see anything un-authentic about not taking communion (sorry not catholic so dont completely get why other people seeing you not doing this is a big deal). Maybe you could elucidate?

I dont think going to the loo is a permanent solution.

So it seems you have come to a point in your life where you are a massive part of the church community but dont literally believe in an all powerful benign guy in the sky. You dont seem to want to fake it, but maybe for a while while you deconvert?

There are a lot of 'church like' communities in the country that do great good and would love your support, are you aware of them? I know from experience how a church can ostrich you if you come 'out' but is that really what you want to be part of? Would you want your DC to be part of that?

Maybe start to diversity your time in to other areas so your not so dependent on the church. Ease into it, there is nothing wrong in following the philosophy of Jesus but leaving aside the supernatural aspect.

[Doublegloucester]

Thank you for all your kind words.

Aphie, I find comfort in the routine too. I would probably prefer to not go up at all than have a blessing though (reasons are a bit personal).

Bolognese, the church is quite small and tight knit - I don't want people to notice I'm not receiving and make a big deal out of it - 'oh, she's not receiving - why's that' type thing. They probably wouldn't, I'm probably over thinking it. Your third para is spot on.
What type of church like communities do you mean? I have started doing some volunteering recently and I'm really happy there, feeling I'm doing something useful for others, regardless of whether God exists.

Fidelia, thank you for reassurance. I needed to hear that :-) I could talk to the Vicar but we are both a bit socially awkward and I'm not sure either of us would know what to say!

[headinhands]

Hi op, have you shared your feelings with your DH?

[hairylittlegoblin]

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Sarah Bessey has a new book which I've read some of called 'Out of Sorts' where she talks about feeling burnt out by church and taking a step away (her husband was a minister at the time which made things more tricky). Might be helpful.

But I also think you should be able to attend, not take communion and your congregation to accept that if that's how you feel now.

[Doublegloucester]

headinhands DH knows I'm having probs with church, but haven't discussed my losing belief in God.

Thank you for the recommendation hairylittlegoblin :-)

[headinhands]

Op I'd probably start with talking to my dh. It would help me understand what I was feeling and what I felt needed to change.

[headinhands]

For example if you could talk through with someone why you feel your beliefs have changed it might make it clearer what changes you want to make to your life.

[dayslikethis]

I would also highly recommend Out of Sorts - it's a beautiful story of Sarah's journey through faith and faith communities. She has a blog too which might be helpful. Jamie the very worst missionary would be another blog which you might find helpful.

It's interesting that you say you want the social gospel side of things but not sure you actually believe in God - I think the best thing you can do is really take some time out to seek God - lay your questions before Him, lay your questions before yourself, discuss with your DH, go onto some online forums and blogs for more discussion and really seek those answers - what is it exactly you are doubting - is it the existence of God or is it the idea of God you have been taught? (The theology if you like) Go back to basics and fundamentals (the apostles creed or nicene creed might be good starting point) and really question what you do or don't believe and what you are unsure about, then go from there.

[dayslikethis]

Mike McHargue is also someone maybe worth looking up (also known as Science Mike). He describes himself as a Christian-turned atheist-turned Jesus follower. His story is really incredible and even for a total science-phobe like me, I found it profoundly impactful. (And he taught me lots about how the brain works which totally fascinated me!)

[Potterwolfie]

I don't take communion as I've not been confirmed (was baptised at birth) so my vicar suggested going up as if for communion, but asking for a blessing instead. Maybe you could try that and see how it feels?

[Seriouslyffs]

I still want to follow Jesus in terms of all the social gospel stuff though.
That's good enough. Hang on in there. And do talk to the Rev- he may well be thinking it must be so lovely to just be a church member and not have so much riding on Faith...

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

Perhaps you have got out of balance. A very wise Christian once told me that there is a balance between doing, being and knowing. It is really easy to get caught up in lots of doing and let the others slip.

It might be worth spending some time thinking and praying on which bit is lacking at the moment and using Lent to redress that a bit. When I got stuck on the being bit which comes down to prayer I found Thomas Green's 'When the Well Runs Dry' and Gerald Hughes 'God in All Things' really helpful. Margaret Silf's 'Wayfaring' was another one that helped me.

I could suggest something in the knowing area but I have to go into meetings. So - philosophy, theology, bible or something else?

[gatewalker]

Are you losing your belief in God, OP.

Or is your belief in God shifting?

[marvik]

Sometimes people who find their current church doesn't quite fit with their beliefs, get something out of attending Quaker Meetings for Worship. Although there may not be a Quaker Meeting in your immediate area.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

Faith is not always the kind of thing you can consider from outside a spiritually active life-it's too relational. A bit like seeing if you can work a relationship out by breaking up (which admittedly does work sometimes, but not usually).

[Doublegloucester]

Thank you for all of your posts - they are incredibly helpful. Glad I started this thread.

headinhands thanks, I will talk to DH about it. He should be quite understanding.

dayslikethis thank you for the recommendations, I will have a look at those.
I think I do need to go back to basics as you suggest.
I think over the past couple of years, as my parents have got older and I have been increasingly responsible for them, and on becoming a mother myself, I have looked to God very much as a parental figure and have wanted to lean on him and be carried by him a lot. I've got to the point of thinking this perhaps isn't very healthy and perhaps my mind has invented God as a crutch and now that crutch needs to be taken away so I can function better as an independent, responsible adult. I think I still believe in God as the creative force behind the world, but as an amoral force, not as particularly responsive or loving.

Potterwolfie, thanks - I could try going up for a blessing...still not sure I want to though.

seriously thanks, I'll see if I can be brave and talk to her :-)
I do find it difficult to talk about stuff like this out loud so hope I can make sense!

thegreenheart, thank you for all the recommendations, that's great. I have zero prayer life at the moment, as tbh I feel like I'm just talking to myself. I'm going to do some Bible reading, just focussing on Jesus.

gatewalker, I think I'm losing my belief in a loving and compassionate God - a God who will make all things well. I still believe in a creative force behind the world, but an amoral one. The trinitarian model is not within my grasp at the moment.

BigDorrit, yes, the volunteer work I'm doing at the moment is such a relief as it's not dependent on God, it's just something useful I can do for fellow humans. I think I do need to take more responsibility for my own life, and I am concerned about how reliant on God I was becoming to 'carry me through'. I guess others would say you are supposed to lean on God in hard times but it just felt like I was creating a God to satisfy my needs. I have always felt a bit funny about praying out loud with others, and can't get 'caught up' in worship songs like others can. I thought it was a social anxiety thing but maybe it's an awkwardness about portraying dependence on or displaying vulnerability towards God because I didn't really think he was real.

marvik, thank you, I do have Quakers nearby, that's a good idea.

lostinmiddlemarch, I kind of see what you mean. I don't want to just dump it all and run, I really don't.

Sorry for the epic post. Hope nothing I've said upsets or offends anyone, just trying to describe my state of faith atm.