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Interesting way of internalising and dealing with those who've wronged me

(7 Posts)
SBGA Mon 01-Sep-14 10:10:50

I've heard before that you should "pray for those who despitefully use you". The idea being that the biblical way to deal with difficult people is the most healthy way.

Recently I had to have some urgent work done on a property, with an unavoidable timeline of just a few days which left me with no time to shop around for quotes.

I went with the first person offered to me on recommendation of a letting agent, and he completed the job without any significant problems at the time. He offered to do any extra work if it came up in the future, so I gave him a few little less urgent jobs that I would have otherwise waited to shop around for quotes for.

When it came to paying the final bill I requested he just includes the work he had undertaken rather than just the price, pointing out that I need to claim the work back off someone else and wanted to give them no room to refuse payment to me.

He absolutely flipped. Apparently I was the worst customer he had ever worked for in all his 20 years of being self-employed! He was personal and insulting in his attack, and seemed quite angry that I had given him the extra work that he had offered to do - at an extra cost to myself, I might add!

I reassured him that I fully intended to pay but was just asking for written detail of what he'd done, but he responded with multiple threats to send round the heavies if I didn't pay immediately. I had noticed on his banking details he lives on one of the roughest roads in the county, so believe it wasn't an idle threat.

For some reason it really bothered me. It's hard to describe the full force of his verbal attack, but I really felt punched in the stomach. I would normally shrug and think "he's having a bad day then!" and never offer him work again, but I was quite upset by it all. I suppose I felt a bit vulnerable because I felt I had no choice, and I didn't see it coming because he had seemed very keen, almost desperate for me to give him extra work.

I dunno, it just unnerved me a bit and I've thought of it from time to time, feeling quite disturbed by it. And it's just not like me to react like this. SO I talked to God about it and asked for His help.

I then remembered the Luke 6:18 verse about "bless those who curse you, and pray for those who mistreat you". SO I did just that. I prayed for this man's heart heart, asking God to give him chance after chance to soften before God, and for his enlightenment regarding God's undeserved kindness to mankind. I thanked God that when this life is done, I will be in His presence and things like this won't matter anymore. I thanked God for his mercy to the undeserving, and that includes me, and prayed that this man would be open to God's healing in his own life. Healing from his past hurt or just healing from his plain old ugly self, whatever healing he might benefit from for the rest of his life.

And all of a sudden I felt lifted to that place of being untouched by it all, in a healthy detached sense where I feel no longer worried about it. It makes me think that God's way of dealing with things in our lives are so healthy for us. Just wanted to share it in the philosophy and religion threads.

capsium Mon 01-Sep-14 14:41:47

I find it less painful too, to forgive.

I have found out though, some people do not feel forgiveness is important, and to suggest the value in forgiveness to someone still hurting from terrible wrongdoing, can be doubly painful to them.

My attempts at doing just this, on the other thread on this board concerning forgiveness were not particularly well received, and apologies, from me, were required.

I am still unsure, at how exactly, to approach this issue with more tact. I for one feel in need of grace.

SBGA Mon 01-Sep-14 18:41:56

For what it worth, I doubt very much that there's any place for an apology for advocating forgiveness - that's pretty mainstream and widely recognise in psychology to be healthy. It's even been studied in research, hasn't it?

I can't speak for your thread but generally speaking, if people react to sound advice then it's because they reject the wisdom rather than the person passing it on.

Some people prefer to nurse their wounds a little longer and may never seek healing on that level. People also come to stages of grief at different time and it's probably the same with healing from the past too.

capsium Mon 01-Sep-14 18:52:45

The apology was for upsetting people, saying too much and not leaving alone when I could have (I did apologise). As you suggest with your comment regarding grief and healing, people have to heal in their own time.

Although I do advocate forgiveness...and I cannot hide this, when engaging with people. Guess you have to expect some 'fall out' when people don't agree.

capsium Mon 01-Sep-14 18:54:27

There's a thread about forgiveness on the feminism board, currently, as well as the other one on this board, if you're interested.

zulubump Tue 02-Sep-14 10:01:46

Wow that's really interesting SBGA, thanks for sharing. I'm quite a sensitive person and if anyone hurts me I tend to spend too much time dwelling on it. You've encouraged me to remember to ask God to help me in forgiving and moving on.

SBGA Tue 02-Sep-14 14:05:57

You're welcome! The really funny part of it is hat I wasn't thinking of forgiveness when I prayed for him. I was simply doing what was written as an act of obedience and at the time I didn't feel anything, other than a bit edgy about the whole thing.

I think hats why I shared it, because it (the act of praying for him) altered my feelings in a really positive and unexpected way.

It made me wonder if God had put that in the bible for our own physical and mental health!

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