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DH "change of heart" about contraception (long)

(52 Posts)
JumpJockey Sun 03-Nov-13 21:53:32

I've put this here rather than relationships because it is to do with religion, and otherwise I'd just get told to LTB.
We've been married 7 years, I was baptised and confirmed before we married and DH is a cradle Catholic. Before the DDs were born (now aged 2 and nearly5) we discussed contraception and were both of the opinion that it's fine, and once we'd had children he would get the snip. Hormonal contraception kills my sex drive, and we're both against the idea of the coil.

Now DH has said he has had a change of heart, and feels that contraception is not right. He's happy for me to use it as I still don't see it as an issue, but he's not willing to get snipped. I got pregnant within 2 months of trying both times (had been using condoms) so am now petrified of getting pregnant again, we agree that 2 kids is enough and don't want more. His argment is that by using contraception, we'd be interfering with God's plan if that should involve us having more kids, but is ok with a)NFP or b) me using contraception.

My issues with this:
1: he had previously agreed that even NFP is, at the bottom line, getting in the way of any plans God might have. If we go down that route, I'd have to do all the work, and am not confident enough in it to be brutally honest.
2: hormonal contraception gets rid of my desire for sex - but even then we've not had sex in 3 months since he made this announcement. I'm terrified of getting up the duff and don't trust cndoms (which, oddly, he is ok with)
3: this is a very major change of heart - he's become more religious since dd2 was born, which is fine, but this is something that had not been a concern before. He knows my feelings about it - sex is a wonderful gift, and should be part of our marriage, but not in a way that means more kids. I couldn't cope with more, find our two hard enough anyway.

Any ideas as to where to go from here? The choices seem to be no sex, or I go on hormonal contraception and lose any vestiges of sexual desire. And have to take on all the respnsibility, which had been the case when we first got together, and he had agreed that after kids, it would be his responsibility. I think that is the main issue - it's become my problem entirely. I'm not sure what he would say if I suggested we just shag away randomly and if God wants more kids we have more - I'm pretty sure he'd not be happy with abstinence for ever!

Annunziata Sun 03-Nov-13 22:07:59

Why does he feel it is not right? It is not fair of him to say that it's okay to use if you are the one using it- if he is against contraception then he should not be having sex with it at all!

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 03-Nov-13 22:12:01

Are you sure this is down to religion and not selfishness?

JumpJockey Sun 03-Nov-13 22:13:09

Well exactly! He admits it's inconsistent, but since it the idea doesn't bother me, but does him, I should be the one to sort things out. It seems as if the issue is more the irrevoczbility of being snipped, whereas any other method can be reversed. That was what was initially mutually agreed on as the best thing - I'd had years of hormones, so he would have a small operation that would be a permanent solution. He said that even if I got hit by a bus and he met someone else, he feels he'd be to old to be a dad again.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 03-Nov-13 22:13:55

Is he OK with using condoms? confused

Because if so, then the only option he's ruled out is having a vasectomy, and that's probably not to do with God.

It sounds like he's changed his mind about having the snip and is coming up with bullshit excuses instead of just telling you that he doesn't want to have one.

Permanent sterilisation is a big deal and not wanting to go through with it is entirely understandable, even if he doesn't want more children.

JumpJockey Sun 03-Nov-13 22:15:31

Sorry that reply was to Annunziata. He has definitely become more religious in recent years - goes to confession more often, more diligent about HDOs etc. it seems to be since we had the kids, he sees it as more of a duty to ground the girls in faith, whereas I grew up in a non-religious family and made a choice myself to enter the church as an adult, so see that as a perfectly acceptable way for people to develop a faith.

gamerchick Sun 03-Nov-13 22:15:49

So he's lost his bottle then?

DziezkoDisco Sun 03-Nov-13 22:22:42

Far dos not too want the snip, nobody should be pressured into that, but sounds like bullshit excuse.

MajesticWhine Sun 03-Nov-13 22:34:57

Surely you can't be ok with condoms and against vasectomy. That makes no sense. It is clearly interfering with "God's plan" in the same way.
The snip is not something that every man can deal with. But it's my guess that he is not able to admit that he doesn't fancy it, and so he is coming up with this as an excuse. My H refused to get the snip (having previously agreed to it) and I have the same issue as you with hormonal contraception. I wasn't keen but have managed to get my head around having a coil.
Are you talking about it? Does he know your feelings about it?

sublimelime Sun 03-Nov-13 22:41:42

What about a barrier method at the same time as choosing a 'safe' time in you cycle? Persona monitors from Boots can measure you cycle. They give reliability stats, but 'safe' time coupled with barrier method would be very safe.

JumpJockey Sun 03-Nov-13 22:45:02

We've talked about it briefly, he basically says well this is how I feel. He agrees that it's not a completely sensible argument. I guess if it is just the issue of permanence, rather than the fact that it's any kind of contraception, at least that would be a starting point. We've discussed the possile alternatives, so he's def not got a problem with me taking on the responsibility again!

We both have issues with the coil, in that it doesn't stop conception altogether but stops a fertilised egg implanting - I'm not keen on that idea.

EdithWeston Sun 03-Nov-13 22:47:00

It makes no sense at all. Condoms only work if you use them every time - therefore sinning every time.

I think it's OK to change you mind about vasectomy (from heady days years ago pre-DC, to post-DC when it might be approaching as an actual option).

But not to wrap it up in inconsistencies, and essentially try to wash his hands of it all.

JumpJockey Sun 03-Nov-13 22:47:32

Sorry sublime, overlapped with you. I suppose I'm just fed up because we had agreed to a solution which meant be could both relax and forget about any issues - so no need to use condoms and no need to trace cycles etc (have gone a bit random since dds...)

sublimelime Sun 03-Nov-13 22:53:01

I think there are always going to be issues, even with a Vasectomy you have to check it has all worked. I think you do what you can and forget about the rest.

Condoms and cap?

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 03-Nov-13 22:55:05

Ignoring all the religious stuff for a minute.

He's changed his mind about having a vasectomy, but is happy with all other forms of contraception except the coil?

Use condoms (and pray you don't have an accident).

sublimelime Sun 03-Nov-13 22:57:07

Or,I know it seems unfair, but if it really bothers you, you could get sterilised. I think they can do keyhole surgery.

MadCap Sun 03-Nov-13 22:57:15

What about getting sterilised yourself?

thehorridestmumintheworld Sun 03-Nov-13 22:57:23

If your dh is very religious then I do think his faith could be affecting his decision. This is a big issue for Catholics. Maybe if you did not feel as you do he would not even want to use contraception at all, but he knows what your feelings are and this is making him inconsistant because on one hand it is unfair to you and you did agree before but on the other hand in his belief system as a catholic he is not supposed to use contraception.
So I can see this is difficult for him and you.
So not very helpful I know but just to say don't assume he is just messing you about he may be telling you the truth when he says this is to do with his faith.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 03-Nov-13 23:00:04

Neither of you should be forced into a contraceptive choice your not happy with,

However in the interest of getting a proper resolution you may need to resort to a paracetamol between the knees until he can make up his mind.

mercibucket Sun 03-Nov-13 23:15:46

thats not how the coil works

the copper kills the sperm and makes your mucus thicker

mercibucket Sun 03-Nov-13 23:19:23

(well, i know the coil can also stop implantation but thats not the main way it stops you getting pregnant, thats a bit of a myth)

Ruralninja Sun 03-Nov-13 23:21:51

wouldnt god be more impressed by a loving, mutually agreeable arrangement rather than a logic-leaping somewhat selfish position?

pumpkinsweetie Sun 03-Nov-13 23:23:48

I find it odd. If religion is being used as an excuse for him not to have the vasectomy, then why is he in complete agreement with you using contraception?
I think he has chickened out.

antimatter Sun 03-Nov-13 23:24:47

I think in this situation it should be him who is in charge of keeping track of your cycle and use of Persona.

Men often don't realise that it actually is time consuming and requires 100% accuracy if he wants to only use condoms.

BTW - deeply devoted catholics don't use condoms :D
so argument about religion is neither here nor there
he simply doesn't want to have snip

FunnyRunner Sun 03-Nov-13 23:27:36

I think he has chickened out too. He knows what he is saying is irrational.

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