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i love God but i feel hatred towards a man. God got angry and destroyed am i allowed to get angry as a christian????

(16 Posts)
buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 14:42:34

Hello everyone. I'm born again and I have played with fire and got burnt. I dated a guy from our church choir in our church and now I'm pregnant. The way he handled the situation of the pregnancy has consumed a lot of hatred in me for him. He denied and blocked me and moved fom were he was staying. I hate him so much the hatred is so intense that I feel joy when I think of harming him in a painful way he will never forget. I posted about this on relationships and as posters were answering I noticed that I don't know if hating him is as wrong as I thought. God destroyed pple w fire and water because they did something wrong, was he jus angry or he hated them? Is there a difference between anger and hatred. If God could get angry to destroy then I'm allowed to feel hatred for this man too right. Anger leads to hate right?. Jesus also got angry and turned the gamblers tables upside down. Is God the only one allowed to get angry enough to hate and destroy. I know its wrong to hate I wana stop really but I really hate him and its affecting me spritually. I dream of inflicting pain on him I want revenge.

What's worse I told my pastor and he jus called us and spoke to us but it really didn't make much difference his life is still going on perfectly and he still sings for the church as if he ddnt do anyrhing wrong. I thought the church is supposed to give some sort od discipline of some sort. I'm also wrong I shouldn't have been having sex in the 1st place but I think he should also know he is wrong. As a christian I really don't think people who do that should continue to sing in the church choir there should be some sort of descipline right? I can't go to church some days because I know he will be singing and pple clapping for him and asking God to bless him yet he has done this to me. Sometimes I want to expose him just to destroy him even if it will destroy me on the way.
I love God and I believe in him so much but I don't understand why he is leaving me to deal with the embarasment and shame all alone and he is still there probably luring another girl with his christianity act. If anger is allowed since even God got angry then can I hate him as it makes me ffel good to live my life hating him ?? How do I deal with this

Italiangreyhound Sun 07-Jul-13 15:19:34

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

First of all is there anyone in real life you can talk about this all with.

I really think you need to talk to a real life person who can be a support for you.

I think you need to decide what you would like to do and how you will handle this pregnancy. If this man has made it very clear that he does not want anything to do with the baby then I think you need advice on what to do next.

Can you claim child maintenance from him? Maybe someone else can answer that one?

I really think you need to forgive him for this situation, not because he has done nothing wrong, he has had a relationship with you and abandoned you and that if awful and really not at all a kind of Christian thing to do. But I really think you need to talk to someone in real life about your anger and your desire to hurt him.

PLEASE do not do anything to physically hurt this man. It will not help your situation. It may lead to serious damage to him and it may lead to serious legal consequences to you, which in your condition as a pregnant women, would be really difficult to cope with.

He is the father of your baby and even though he has treated you in a very horrible way, if you hurt him physically you will only make this situation worse.

I will write more in a moment about the spiritual side of your question but I wanted to post this straight away. Please get some help now either from within your church or from another sympathetic friend who will not judge you and will advise you what to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 07-Jul-13 16:30:40

Posting a link to your other thread on Relationships.. Help Me Overcome Hatred... because I think it makes a big difference to the responses you will get if others know the full circumstances i.e. that you were violently raped.

You have every right to expose this man for the criminal he is. It will not destroy you to report him to the authorities and seek justice. It may be difficult and you may not be able to successfully prosecute but I think that having him investigated for the attack on you and revealing him in the community to be a violent individual will be of significant benefit to you.

There can be no discipline in the church you refer to because not only is your attacker a rapist, your pastor is a rape apologist and therefore a very dangerous man in his own right. He should have counselled you to report the attack to the police, rape crisis or other places where you can get practical help for a traumatic sexual assault. Instead he chose to blame you, the victim, and traumatise you further.

If you believe in god then maybe he has brought you here, to get this advice?

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 17:09:49

Italiangreyhound I try no to give in and keep breathing. Every moment is so hard its like its more than I can take its very hard when I think of forgiving him is very hard. Counsellors are expensive they charge per hour and church people I will try but if the pastor failed wonder if someone else will help I saw him in church today I cried red hot tears I kept trying to swallow them hard but I couldn't resist anymore I left the service as they began singing. I haven't been gng to church for a while but today I thought to go perhaps when I see him the hatred won't be so bad but its bad its really bad

CogitoErgoSometimes I really hadn't seen it as rape but tomorrow morning I'm going to the police to tell them exactly what I told you how it all happened I will inform you on how they adviced me to deal with the matter,

Some how I'm crying when reading these posts italian are you a real counsellor? Your words touched me and corigo if the police back me up on this then....I dnt know what to say but I'm certainly going I need to expose him he is not a real christian

Italiangreyhound Sun 07-Jul-13 17:57:32

Dear buthow I did not know you were raped. I am so sorry if anything in my post was upsetting to you. I was not replying with the full facts.

Thank you * CogitoErgoSometimes* for linking to the previous thread so that the full picture can we seen in terms of giving advice.

No, buthow I am in no way a real counsellor. Just a concerned lady who read your post.

I really feel you must speak to the police about this rape, and you must talk to people in your life who will support and affirm you.

I would also suggest that you find another SUPPORTIVE church to go to.

You are very right to feel angry about this situation and to feel hate for this man.

Please do speak to a Rape Crisis centre.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 18:02:49

Buthow, God is love (1 jn 4 vs 8). There is no hate in God. But he does feel great anger towards anything that interferes with love, including this man's appalling treatment of you. Hate is a destructive emotion, and it would be helpful for you (in time) to get to a point where you no longer feel this soul destroying hatred for this man. However you have every right to feel angry towards someone who has sinned against you so terribly. I think it's really important for you to get some good counselling from organisations such as rape crisis. I would however advise against approaching your current church for counselling as it appears that they have sided with your rapist. As another poster has said please don't consider retaliating against this man, seek justice by reporting him to the police.

Italiangreyhound Sun 07-Jul-13 18:02:58

This is the website for Rape Crisis in England and Wales

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 18:05:11

It is completely understandable that you are feeling the emotions that you are. Please do seek help from professional counsellors.

Italiangreyhound Sun 07-Jul-13 18:15:19

Rape counselling should be available for free, can anyone recommend how to get this? I would say that Rape Crisis will know.

Please do not seek counselling at your current church, they do not seem to understand what has happened at all.

I said I would reply about your spiritual questions and so I will but I must say that God cares about our bodies and physical lives so as well as thinking about the big spiritual picture please also think about the big physical picture, get yourself checked by a doctor maybe to ensure all is OK physically, please, and also speak to a counsellor or rape crisis to talk about the emotional damage. It will not be easily swept away by just talking to someone but with good help you can come to see what has happened and recover, and not blame yourself, which I think is all a part of healing emotionally. (I read a little on the other thread linked to where you appeared to blame yourself for putting yourself in the position of being with this man.) PLEASE do not blame yourself. We can all put ourselves into positions where bad things could happen, it is not our fault. I think it is important to value yourself and not blame yourself. It is your right to say no. And you said it.

You asked “Is there a difference between anger and hatred.” Personally, I think there is, God displays a righteous anger in the Bible, for example when Jesus turns over the tables of the money changes in the temple, they were cheating people and that was wrong. (As you mentioned.) But I don’t think we are called to hate people, even if they have done us wrong. HOWEVER, sometimes people do such cruel things that we do feel hate and so for the time being I think you just need to work through all the practical things. Many people will disagree with this, and you are totally at liberty to form whatever opinion you like of anger or hatred but for the time being I would just try and not allow your anger and hatred to cause you to do any physical harm to this man. Follow the law. It must be very tempting to want to hurt him but I do not think it will help you. You must think of yourself and not allow this anger or hatred to overcome you. In time I hope you will be able to forgive, not for him, but for you, but for the moment just work through all these emotions and make yourself your top priority, and not getting even with him.

In your post here you said “I thought the church is supposed to give some sort of discipline of some sort.”

If your church knows this man raped you then I think they should have helped you and reported this man themselves.

In your post here you said “I love God and I believe in him so much but I don't understand why he is leaving me to deal with the embarrassment and shame all alone and he is still there probably luring another girl with his christianity act. If anger is allowed since even God got angry then can I hate him as it makes me ffel good to live my life hating him ?? How do I deal with this.”

It is difficult that we often find ourselves dealing with things we find hard to cope with. I have no answers for you, I hope you will get support and encouragement from some Christians who can respect you and look out for you.

I have not commented on all the things on the other thread and I really hope someone in real life can help you, please do tell a trusted friend or person at the Rape Crisis the full story. With regards to the baby you are carrying only you know what you will want to do but whatever you decide please surround yourself with people who will love and affirm you, you do not deserve this shit, it is not your fault. You are not to blame.

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 18:54:47

Good post italian greyhound.

buthow Sun 07-Jul-13 21:04:34

Italian thankyou so much and corigo has been there since my post but may I state clearly that I did go willingly to this man's place and I was ready for the sex the only problem was that he wouldn't stop and put on a condom and that made me uncomfortable. Yes I tried to push him off and I cried but I hadn't seen it as rape coz I was a willing party. Will the police understand that the only prob was the way he forced himself without a condom even though I asked him mny times to put on a condom.....

To be honest I dnt know if I was raped I let him undress me jus the condom again I jus wana be clear on that, however I'm gng to the police tomorow and I will tell them I was raped. They will ask me why I took so long to come. I dnt know if reporting him is for me or its for seeing him suffer coz puting him in to prison will indeed satisfy me. I can give the church adress right? Coz I have no idea were he moved to and he blocked my calls I will talk to my mother about this and explain exactly what happened.

Ohw I'm in South Africa by the way. Down here in Africa free support organisations are not so much, right now I have just been convinced I was raped I'm beggining to believe it coz it was terrible and for some reason my heart still sinks when I think of that night. So can some one get raped without knowing they are????

This is a good way to make him pay

happyhev Sun 07-Jul-13 21:17:42

In the UK it certainly is rape, you consented to sex with a condom, you did not consent to unprotected sex. Sex without consent is rape. I don't know what services there are in south africa to support victims of rape, but hope you find the support you need.

Italiangreyhound Sun 07-Jul-13 22:03:12

I really hope you get the support you need locally from family/friends and maybe even a good church.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Jul-13 12:48:04

"So can some one get raped without knowing they are???? "

You knew what happened to you was very wrong. Your current reaction... the anger, hatred, the tears, the depression ... is proof enough what happened was not right. And by 'not right' I don't mean having sex with a man, getting pregnant and then being abandoned. I mean 'not right' as in violated, abused and assaulted. Victims of rape - like survivors of war - often experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They get sometimes have flashbacks, nightmares, depression.. they might try to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. It's not 'satanic'... it's a serious condition triggered by extreme trauma.

You were concerned enough to talk to a so-called pastor and I am so, so sorry that was the person you approached because he managed to convince you up to now that it was somehow your fault. That was terribly wrong and reminiscent of those that didn't believe children when they tried to report abusive priests...

South Africa is, sadly, still a very misogynistic society but you should demand to be heard and expect to be believed. If they ask why you took so long to report it, tell them the truth... that your pastor persuaded you it was your fault.

springytoto Tue 16-Jul-13 12:44:02

this is just so awful. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you buthow ((()))

I should imagine support for those who have been raped is available in S Africa? You need to get clear in your head what happened - that will be the start of your road to healing. it takes time, so be easy on yourself.

You are crying out for justice. Your shitty pastor put a lid on your pain and outrage angry . I am a christian and I relate entirely to lurid fantasies of wanting to hurt and harm the man who damaged me very much (who was also a christian). For a long time there was no comeuppance for him, either. I burned with hatred. it consumed every waking moment.

Tell God you are hating this man. Tell God all your fantasies about wanting to hurt and harm him. Tell God and leave all your anger with him - on a daily, hourly, basis if necessary. God doesn't judge you one bit, not one tiny sliver or dot. It's ok to feel anger and hatred - in fact, it is a very healthy and human response to what has happened to you. Read the psalms - lots of hatred and cries for revenge there! So comforting when you are going through it yourself.

The problem with long term hatred is that it hurts and harms the hater, not the hated. That's all very well to say, but in the heat of the moment hatred can burn white hot. Hatred that gets set in stone can certainly be a problem for the hater - but I doubt you're at that stage. Of course you want this man to get his comeuppance - he deserves to get it, and how. ime God will sort out his comeuppance (he does a thorough job!). Sometimes I see forgiveness as getting out of the way so God can do his thing! Lean heavily on God with your entire weight; open your heart to him with all that is in it, hatred and all - let it flow, don't hold back. He does not condemn you, he cherishes you deeply and is with you every step of the way.

ime non-christians can be much more helpful at times like this - when things are intense - than christians. Christians can be frightened and threatened by anger, and do the 'well, just forgive' - when you could no more forgive than climb everest in your pyjamas. Christians can be lacking in expertise about these very tricky life events, and can slap on a blanket 'just forgive'. Not helpful. Actually, damaging.

I pray that God will bring the people you need to support you through this very difficult life event. I wonder if it may be better to get support from eg rape crisis orgs before going to the police, so you have someone with you as you face them with these allegations.

We are here, anyway. Keep posting xxx

springytoto Tue 16-Jul-13 12:49:11

ah, sorry - I see it's been 8 days since the last post before mine.

have you already been to the police? What happened?


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