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Can any Christians give me some guidance? (re miscarriage)

(20 Posts)
Bakingtins Mon 18-Feb-13 13:51:06

I have suffered 2 miscarriages between 8-10 weeks of pregnancy, one in 2009 and one in 2012. I'm now 6 weeks pregnant again.
I sing and lead worship at my local church and on both previous occasions I have been on the rota to lead on the weekend I ended up in hospital miscarrying. Of course someone stepped into the breach but I felt I let everyone down in addition to being devastated about losing the babies.
I'm due to lead on Mothering Sunday, bang in the middle of what seems to be my risk period. We have a new music director and I think he'll think I'm barking if I either say I don't want to do it or that he needs to have a backup prepared.
I know I'm probably not very rational about it, but it is an unfortunate coincedence that history is repeating itself in this way. At the moment nobody except DH knows I'm pregnant again.
I can't get my head round the miscarriages wrt faith at all. From a 'nature' point of view of course I understand it's common and a way to prevent a baby with abnormalities being born. From a 'unique individual created by God' POV it makes no sense. I hope I learned some lessons from my experience, I can't see what possible good can come out of going through it repeatedly. I have prayed for every child I have ever carried (I also have 2 lovely children) and when I have had threatened miscarriages many people have prayed with or for me. It made no difference to the outcome.
I'm swinging wildly between telling everyone and asking them to pray, to just carrying on and not saying anything.
Can anyone offer any wisdom?

itsatiggerday Mon 18-Feb-13 13:58:58

I took the view that the only people I told early were the ones that I would tell if I miscarried anyway. But I know some people for whom that group was relatively large so I think it's fairly personal.

I would just drop the music director a line and say you're sorry but for some personal reasons you aren't able to lead on Mothering Sunday so will make a note in the diary of the next date you're on. It's enough notice that you're not dropping him in it and stops you having to worry about it when it's just something you can do without in the lead up. You have a history that's going to make the first few weeks a bit more anxious than usual so minimising the causes of anxiety can only be a good thing.

As far as the miscarriages from a faith perspective, I'm not sure I am much use. I totally see where you're coming from. I'm not even sure how much it's been thought about before as our generation was relatively new in being able to confirm pregnancies at a much earlier stage. Will ponder further.

Hope you're OK and don't feel guilty about stepping back a bit. You're not dumping anyone in it and it's perfectly fine to scale back a bit sometimes. Will pray for the bump....

When I fell pregnant with number 3 the only people I told were the ones that I would need to support me if I miscarried.

You don't need to give a reason for not being available to lead worship. This is a time for you to receive ministry and not give it so send your unavailable date and do what is right for you on the day, which may not include church.

Psalm 139 is one of my favourites and it says "For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb." This is poetry and written before people knew about DNA and the science thereof. What I do believe is that God knows, and loves all human life and that includes the little lives that didn't make it to term.

Italiangreyhound Mon 18-Feb-13 20:10:33

Bakingtins I really hope all will be well. I miscarried once and also had a few tries of IVF that did not succeed. I named all of those little ones and commended them to God. I have no idea why women miscarry and little ones are lost, anymore than I understand why other children die. For me there is comfort in knowing God in the midst of this suffering. And in the midst of the joy when pregnancies are successful.

Please do take itsatiggerday and thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts advice and make yourself unavailable for the date you are worried about. You do not need to give a reason. You must put yourself first at this time. Please do tell us if all goes well. If not, you could investigate why this happens, be prepared to ask for them to help you know what it happens etc at the time, if you miscarry. It is very painful to even disucss this ahead of time but as you have experienced this twice I would really ask you doctor what to do if you do miscarary again and how you can find out what is happening to prevent this from happening again. But, as I say, I really hope this will not be a problem again.

As far as telling, I agree, only tell those who you would tell about a misscarriage.

sashh Tue 19-Feb-13 05:25:36

From a non Christian, non any religion point of view.

Leading on mothering Sunday would be stressful for you. Stress is not good for the baby.

For these early weeks look after yourself as much as possible. Your church will still be there, people there will understand if you choose to tell them.

You sound like the kind of person who puts themselves last. You did not let anyone down by having a miscarriage, and I'm sure no one thought that.

I hope this pregnancy ends after 9 months with a beautiful baby (or two).

HellesBelles396 Tue 19-Feb-13 08:48:04

Some people recently left our church because we wouldn't refuse a female minister.

However, it wasn't your usual minister so, on its own, for me, it wouldn't be a reason to leave your church. Has something else happened that has contributed to you considering leaving?

Gay "marriage" is an issue that is troubling many people at the moment and many Christians are praying about it and discussing their own views. This is an opportunity for all of us to show forebearance and love to those who express beliefs we consider abhorrent.

Easier said than done though smile

RedwingOnFire Tue 19-Feb-13 09:02:02

Who cares what he thinks. It's your risk period and it's even a service about being a mother. You are quite entitled to excuse yourself. You do NOT need his approval to do this. You do NOT need to give a reason.

I'm a Christian who was dealing with grieving a miscarriage on the first anniversary of my dad's death I would say, there's no reason for it, it wasn't caused. I could make meaning from it if I so chose to make myself feel better, but I don't because I don't believe we're made to suffer or that God would make anyone else suffer so we could learn anything, it's a very selfish and individualistic view in my mind. What God did was help me through the shit.

If people pray for me I prefer it to be for strength to get through things.

HellesBelles396 Tue 19-Feb-13 09:34:01

I am so sorry - I got interrupted and posted the wrong comments on the wrong threads.

Your concern for others is very commendable OP but it is time to put you, your family and the child you're carrying first. No-one will think any the less of you because a discreet word with the minister now gives him/her to time to reorganised and will lower you stress levels. I hope - and pray - that your pregnancy continues well x

Bakingtins Fri 01-Mar-13 08:03:10

Thanks everyone who replied. I did speak to the music director and he was lovely. I've decided to plan to be leading next week and I've chosen all the music, but the director will play and will make sure he's ready to step in if I can't face it. I have a viablity scan next Thursday so I guess I'll either be a bit more confident it's going well or if it's bad news I can give him a few days notice and it won't be out of the blue.

Italiangreyhound Sat 02-Mar-13 02:05:32

Thinking of you Bakingtins and really hope all will be well.

sashh Sat 02-Mar-13 06:19:16

Hop all goes well.

Bakingtins Tue 05-Mar-13 14:24:35

Sadly I am miscarrying again. Glad I had spoken to MD ahead of time and prepared everything in advance, at least no problem handing over to him this time and don't feel I've dropped anyone in it.
Thanks for your words of advice.

RemindMeWhatSleepIs Tue 05-Mar-13 14:38:14

Bakingtins, I'm so sorry you are miscarrying again. Please take time to rest and put yourself first.

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-Mar-13 23:28:56

Bakingtins I am so sorry. Can you get some medical help to find out why this is happening?

Thinking of you.

Schooldidi Tue 05-Mar-13 23:38:13

I'm so sorry Bakingtins.

So very sorry Bakingtins

jaynebxl Wed 06-Mar-13 18:08:16

O so sorry. You must be heartbroken.

sieglinde Mon 11-Mar-13 11:26:16

Oh, Bakingtins. I'm so very sorry. Praying for you.

Oscarandelliesmum Thu 14-Mar-13 17:35:37

Bakingtins, I am so so sorry

Belugagrad Fri 15-Mar-13 18:40:49

So sorry xx

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