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Soul mate

(17 Posts)
JarOfHearts Sun 25-Sep-11 21:41:29

The cynical part of me thinks "soul mates.. pah!".. The spiritual part of me (which is on fact all of me.. all of us.. but which I, anyway, go about merrily ignoring in the chaos of daily life) knows that there is a soul mate out there for me.. probably more than one.. and that the man I am with.. whom I love.. is not one of them!

It came to me just now in a moment of clarity.. that actually made me laugh.. that "he".. the person I am "supposed" to be with, is out there.. but prevented from entering my life because I am with DP.. to whom I am fully committed (at least all the while I am with him because I don't do 'overlaps'). But what if I did put an end to this not-easy relationship with DP, who I genuinely love, but who is SO unlike me in every way (opposites attract?) and over whom I often genuinely despair.... and never met The Soul Mate (or one of them) who I genuinely "feel".. more than believe.. is actually out there...?

I'm no spring chicken.. not that that necessarily has anything to do with it.. but it came to me that I could go the rest of my whole life like this.. with DP.. (who genuinely loves me I think although is probably not supposed to be with me.. not that he believes in "soul mates" or even souls.. or ANYTHING really!! I rest my case!) knowing that there is a man occupying another piece of my own soul.. with him companionship would be effortless.. who wouldn't hurt me for the world.. who really "gets" me... and whom I may never ever (at least in this life) actually meet....?

How hard is it to meet a soul mate I wonder? I have read the Soul Mate Secret by Rhonda Byrne.. indeed that is how I brought DP into my life (he laughs at the thought but I know that I did.. among other things I made a "treasure map" as per the books instructions and wrote a list of what I wanted.. and God! did I get it.. literally.. right down to the "honest as the day requiremenr".. DP is so honest that he strips away my self confidence regularly LOL!) and I guess I could do that all again..

But.. there is something about me that clings to the wrong relationships. I find it very hard to fall out of love. I clung onto xH for years.. madly in love with him and tortured by his infidelities.. and then went through all kinds of hell finally forcing myself not to love him any more.. albeit is IS the father of my children and I WANTED to make it work.. somehow.. for that reason too). And DP.. I know its not right.. but I want it to be right.. I love him.. I fancy him.. I want him to suddenly.. or even gradually become I'll settle for that!) what I need him to be.. and I'm stuck in the "trying to be what he needs" until he's almost lost all respect for me and I've almost lost me) (but I haven't.. this is ME talking to you now! I'm still here). And still I cling....

Does anyone.. and yeah I guess it needs to be someone who has a spiritual belief because other they think "wtf is she on!!"! having read this... grin... have any insights on the whole... Souls Mate... and Wrong Relationship theme?

And oh God me new MN name is soooo liberating.. would never have posted this under my old one!! Even tucked away in the Spirituality section.... blush

JarOfHearts Sun 25-Sep-11 22:01:45

The Soulmate Secret

JarOfHearts Sun 25-Sep-11 22:29:53

Oh bum. I really wanted thoughts on this... but I'm just talking too much bollox no?? grin

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 25-Sep-11 23:54:37

I don't really understand what you think a Soul Mate is.confused

lifeisbetter Mon 26-Sep-11 00:16:07


I love the idea of a soul mate, but don't think they exist. It is just a romantic dream. I think some people are very good at being in a relationship. Maybe they don't over analyse their DP's faults, or maybe they don't have such high expectations. If they meet another one like that, with some similar interests and a similar sense of humour, the POW. They are probably the closest they get I reckon.

Most people who claim to be soul mates are just very good companions. Nothing magical. Nothing extraordinary. They just want to be with that person. They don't try too hard to be happy together. And that's why it works.

I'm just not like that. I am one of those that has a good marriage but if we have a row or something I resent him and my instinct to find a 'better' match kicks in. It doesn't last long, but it ruins any sense of wellbeing with him. But I think that's me - i'd be the same whoever I'm with. I just get too irritated by people to ever have a soul mate.

I don't have a long threshold, or much tollerance. I want it to be perfect as much as anyone - thus guranteeing it never will be iykwim.

I'm afraid you sound a bit like that. You spend so much time looking for it, you'll end up killing it even if you found it. I think the relationships you have are more about who you are and the relationship skills you have embedded within yourself. You have to be very giving yourself to have a soul mate, if there is such thing. And be able to turn a blind eye to their faults. And if you fine someone like that too - someone that provides the right balance to complement you - then you are very lucky.

I love the idea though. And sometimes that white knight fairy tale sneaks up on me when I'm a bit fed up. But. It ain't never gonna happen.

flowermonkey Mon 26-Sep-11 00:20:30

Not sure about soul mates but I think there are several and/or many people out there for all of us. I think it's more to do with right fit.

I believe I attracted DH too. Was completely fed up crap relationships/being single so I wrote out a list and just waited. He turned up fairly quickly as I already knew him! I 'just knew' he was the right one. I told him I loved him on our third date. I just blurted it out! I still feel the same about him. I really don't want to be with anyone else.

I think you know when you're in the right relationship when you're not constantly analysing it - something I was very prone to in the past!

SansaLannister Mon 26-Sep-11 00:24:52

Your soul is complete and whole unto itself. It does not need a romantic-style 'mate' or 'The One'. This is a load of twaddle, a myth peddled to fools for centuries to entertain them or sell them something.

You don't 'fall' into love with people, either. Genuine love is a conscious decision, as it often needs input of momentum to continue.

JarOfHearts Mon 26-Sep-11 08:08:42

Dione. I guess I think a soul mate is something other than what I've got.. but I do feel I give a lot to the relationship. DP feels he does too and in the practical sense he does. I have a disabled child and he helps me all the time and I would struggle without that. But on a personal level we struggle and clash. His views on most things differ to mine so much although sometimes I think he just wants to be controversial and offend everyone... hmm

Lifeisbetter maybe you are right and maybe I just like the idea of a soulmate too much..

Sansa.. I know our souls are complete in and of themselves but I have read so much about "soul groups" and people with whom you just effortless "fit"...

God knows! It's Monday.. time to stop dreaming.. grin

ChildofIsis Mon 26-Sep-11 08:14:17

I thought xh was my soulmate until he confessed to betraying me in the most complete and ultimate way.

I guess I'll have to start looking again.

SansaLannister Mon 26-Sep-11 09:30:48

You don't effortlessly fit with anyone.

AMumInScotland Mon 26-Sep-11 13:29:24

"with him companionship would be effortless"
"people with whom you just effortless "fit"...."

I don't believe such a thing exists. I think you are reading the wrong books, if they are making you believe that there's a worthwhile relationship out there that takes zero effort.

There may be problems with your current relationship, or you may just think there are because it doesn't fit this idealised view of what is possible, but what you are looking for is a pile of nonsense, peddled by people who ought to know better.

Relationships in the real world take effort. The overall joy they bring should outweight the effort they need (though there will be bad patches where the effort is the thing you're aware of, and the joy seems to have gone AWOL). But the only people we get on with with zero effort are people we don't actually care much about one way or another. The colleagues who just chug along on parallel paths and don't actually annoy us. The mates who are part of the "fixtures and fittings" of our lives.

The "bright stars" in our lives are people we spark off, and our lives are the brighter for it. And the aggravations are people we spark off but just burn us, rather than providing warmth or light.

Look at your relationship fairly, and don't compare it with something idealised that only makes you dissatisfied with reality. If you have problems, then deal with them, or decide they are too big and it can't be fixed. But don't throw it away in the hope that the other part of your soul is out there ready to claim you. There may well be other people out there you could be happier with than your current partner. But they each have their own soul, and its not an automatic "click" of the two halves meeting. Its two people dancing together that makes it work right.

JarOfHearts Mon 26-Sep-11 19:50:19

LOL ok ok I feel stupid now.. I had had a couple of drinks last night and just wanted to share my soul mate thoughts with someone. But am cheerfully prepared to be told there is no such thing.. that it's all just wishful thinking.. so thank you for putting me straight smile

I suppose I just wish things with DP were better. I fear we don't have what it takes; I don't think he cares all that much anymore (and I care too much..) But oddly, if that's the case, he's still here shouldering a truly (at times) hellish situation with me (violent disabled child who isn't his). he said that should tell me all I need to know about how much he loves me! And yes I suppose it does but call me selfish but I would still love a little romance.. a little affection.. a little foreplay sometimes.. blush

I've decided to stop being so horribly clingy.. I hate that about myself. Maybe if I cool it he'll warm up again; want to kiss me, not shrug me off every time I try to get close. He's not like this all the time but often. He's said he is chronically tired all the time (he does a demanding job only to come home to a house where it is impossible to relax) and that's what makes him grumpy and pull away from me (in all respects) but to me it feels as if he's just not into me any more.

It's not that I want someone else.. but I can't help hankering a little over the thought of a relationship I wish we had.. and whether, long term, I ought to be with someone else. That's where the soulmate comes in I suppose...

In reality I probably hadn't ought to be with anyone at this point in my life. My kids are too demanding and it's not really fair to inflict DS2 (the disabled, violent one) on anyone else.

indigobarbie Mon 26-Sep-11 20:29:00

I haven't read all of the posts yet, but wanted to post this up for you, I really like what she has to say ie it resonates with me -

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 26-Sep-11 23:41:01

OP, you are not really seeking a soul mate. You are seeking a better relationship with your DH. This can be achieved if both of you are prepared to work on it and may benefit from some help. Have you thought of Relate?

It sounds as though you both have had a lot on your plate and may have neglected some aspects of your relationship with eachother, which is now taking its toll.

JarOfHearts Wed 28-Sep-11 20:53:01

We do have a lot on our plate. He wouldn't do counselling so not an option. I had an x who was an counsellor's dream.. and a spouse's nightmare.. so not my favourite option anymore anyway. But still a worthy avenue for many..

We are trying...

scaryhairycat Fri 30-Sep-11 18:11:15

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

It does sound like a stressful situation for you both, and if he comes home that tired without being able to relax properly, then maybe he is not even fully aware of how you're feeling, and is just overwhelmed with his own stuff.

Is there any way at all you can get some time, just the two of you, to talk about your relationship?

Sometimes when we talk to our partners about what is upsetting us it can sound like criticism and the other partner can switch off as a result, so maybe it can help if you start the conversation with "I really like it when you are..." or "I appreciate it when you do..." etc.

Not always easy if you're majorly pissed off with them at the time, but a positive approach is much more likely to get them listening to you than a negative one! wink

Orellia Thu 06-Oct-11 00:17:03

What do you think a soul mate is?

Someone you can have a successful relationship with? If so, drop the terminology, because it's a bit confusing - it makes you think there might be some kind of fairy tale link between the two of you which is hard to pin down.
If you don't think you can have a successful relationship with your current partner, my best is advice is not to try. If you think you can with someone else, try and do that with the smallest amount of collateral damage possible.

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