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Another ectopic? Why God?

(17 Posts)
CookieRookie Fri 26-Aug-11 20:20:03

After four and half years of hell I was months away from having my unexplained infertility investigated and due for a lap and dye in a matter of months and I find out now that I'm pregnant and it's most likely another ectopic. I only have one tube left and now I face loosing it.

Why? Why when I've worked hard, been generous, been kind and loving and caring. When I've prayed, and begged and promised?

Why, when I've strained to see ANY line on the million tests I've used over all these years did I have to see one this time, this soon? This close to having a chance? Why when he saw me on my floor, when he heard me screaming did he decide it was ok to do this to us again. Was it not enough to see me cry every time AF came, every time I only saw one line. He had to let me think I had a chance, give me hope and take it all away so cruely, why?

What exactly is the lesson? A test of faith? Am I to keep turning to him no matter what the hurt? No matter the degree. Is that it? Is it the degree? Is my pain not as bad as others and should I be grateful I haven't suffered worse? So load me with guilt God. Why? What is there to learn from guilt?

I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!

Is it because I have a child? That's ok then. He knows I adore her, he knows I feel blessed to be her mother but what exactly is her lesson is all this. Doesn't he realize she's hurting too. Of course he does but why?

I guess I'll never know but I still love him. I am angry, so angry, so hurt but I have to believe there is a reason for everything. I have to trust even though I don't know why. So he's won. I just hope if and when we meet all these reasons make sense because right now nothing does.

pissedrightoff Sat 27-Aug-11 19:55:42

I am so sorry, I am not at all religious but did'nt want to leave this unanswered.

Maybe if you are not too far along there is another procedure they can do which saves your tube.

RandomMess Sat 27-Aug-11 19:58:50

sad

CookieRookie Sat 27-Aug-11 21:22:52

Thank you very much for replying. I don't even know what I expected anyone to say. I was just so devastated yesterday. So angry and I needed to get it out there. I think I needed to be told it was ok to be angry with God because it felt wrong to be yet it was there, a raging anger.

Today I started to bleed and it looks like I may have had a chemical pregnancy. It means another little one will definitely leave me, a pain that is indescribable but somehow there is relief because I may not lose my only tube. There's a huge sense of guilt that comes with that relief though, a feeling I can't articulate. I am busying myself with MN and tv. I know it's delaying an inevitable grief but just for now it's what I need to do, like I have to let these days go by distracted, more guilt but sometimes the reality is all too in your face and watching, waiting I fear will break me.

Thank you both so much for taking the time to acknowledge my post.

Take care

HerRoyalNotness Sat 27-Aug-11 21:30:42

Sorry to read your posts and for your loss.

Please don't blame God, time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all. He doesn't punish us by causing bad things to happen. Keep praying to him, let it all out, and ask for comfort and strength to cope with your situation.

blackeyedsusan Sat 27-Aug-11 22:29:04

sometimes life is crap. it wasn't meant to be like that, but it is and it hurts like hell. I am sorry that you are having to go through yet anoither disapppointment. I hope that when you have finished ranting and raving, which any normal person would and which most of us have done one time or another, that you find comfort and the strenght to deal with your loss.

<offers hand to hold>

CookieRookie Sat 27-Aug-11 22:56:44

HRN Thank you

I know you're right. I am reminded of 'Footprints' and I know he is carrying me right now.

I will continue to pray for courage, strength, understanding and of course forgiveness.

CookieRookie Sat 27-Aug-11 23:00:39

Thank you BES

blackeyedsusan Sat 27-Aug-11 23:40:26

don't worry about the emotions being all over the place, it is quite normal. ds would not be here if i had not had a miscariage and it really messes with your head, so I imagine that you are going to feel alsorts, probably changing more often than the british weather. Hope you get some rest.

RandomMess Sun 28-Aug-11 11:37:26

Cookie last night I couldn't think of anything to type that didn't sound so trite.

Yes it's fine to be angry and tell Him that you are.

My friends who have been through very difficult times, a few stillbirths, one severe permanent confined to bed in chronic pain disability, have all been through the anger, the disbelief, the pain and now look back and see that God did comfort them because that is all He could do and that things have happened since which shows them that the hardest times weren't for nothing.

Sadly we have to live in the world all that doing so entails. It's hard, it's unfair sad hugs.

blackeyedsusan Tue 30-Aug-11 14:33:59

how are you doing cookie?

WisteriaWoman Tue 30-Aug-11 20:09:33

HI Cookie
Perhaps this book would help: When Bad things happen to good people - Harold Kushner

http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Things-Happen-People-Self-discovery/dp/0330490559

According to the reviews it's good for people who are dealing with grief / tragedy.

Love and prayers
WW

timidviper Tue 30-Aug-11 20:17:40

So sorry Cookie. I'm trying really hard to say something to you that doesn't sound like platitudes and failing badly but wanted to answer you.

I always think God is like a father to us and sometimes, just as our own fathers cannot put everything right for us in life but can only be there to love and support us, he can do nothing better than be there for us too.

I hope things get better for you.

PositiveAttitude Tue 30-Aug-11 20:45:01

I think you can be as angry as you like with God. He can take it!! He knows how you feel, so its not as if he is going to be shocked, is He?

So sorry you are going through this. sad

Riveninabingle Tue 30-Aug-11 23:00:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryLikingClarity Wed 31-Aug-11 21:35:59

OP - I'm very sorry to read you are so sad and suffering at this time.

I really don't want to offend you, but just had to say that not everyone can have DC and that doesn't mean God doesn't love them or care for them. It is just how it is.

"Why when I've worked hard, been generous, been kind and loving and caring. When I've prayed, and begged and promised?"
You can't buy God's affection or his favour. He loves you more than you know and nothing you could do or say could change that. Doesn't mean he will always give us what we want.

Are you a Christian person, or just turning to God as a straw to cling on to?

I'm not judging you, just asking.

I haven't experienced the pain you're going through, so can't imagine the hollowness and sorrow.

sarahtigh Sun 04-Sep-11 21:18:13

Sometimes the best people get the hardest trials, sometimes people go through hard times for a good reason

david rants and raves to God in many of the psalms about his pain how when he looks around the wicked and thoughtless seem to have it so easy but he is striuggling like slowly sinking into a swamp, try reading some of the psalms they are comforting because they are about real pain and anguish like you are having, in some ays too many happy choruses can have the reverse effect

this can seem like a cliche but life as we see it is just a tiny bit of the whole picture and it can seem a mess but from heaven when God looks at it, it is not a mess of tangles

like you i have 1 DD would like more but unlikely as both DH and 1 well over 40 and i know monthly disappointment , also had a wee brother that died young. but though you are grieving you should pray for God's will and the grace to deal with it St paul prayed often for something "a thorn in the flesh" to be remove but in the end God reminded him he was not taking away the pain but reminding him that his grace was sufficient for him......... this does mean it is easy it is not;l the christian life is not easy........ it is through much tribulation that you enter the kingdom

you can PM if you wish, will pray for you and tell God how you feel; pour out your heart and listen for answers though they may not be the answer you want

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