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Dog ruining relationship

(14 Posts)
Rengirl Thu 25-Oct-18 01:53:04

As the title suggests I think it’s happening and it’s blatanly obvious to me but my partner appears to be oblivious. We have been together nearly 10 years and this dog has ruined everything. Let’s rewinds 15 months... we bought our house and within a few weeks my partner was already researching puppies! I liked our life... I liked the fact we didn’t have a slobbery, dirty, smelly, 20kg woofer bounding around the house so we change that? Anyway my partner did some research he was after a particular breed... non-shedding (pfft right) anyway that limits you to basically any dog ending in ‘oodle’ poodle, groodle, labeadoodle etc etc etc... he started to show me his research and I showed no interest... I guess I was in denial about the whole thing... that he won’t commit to getting a dog and that the phase will pass. He kept showing my photos of these curly, matted, boof dogs with gross slobber wet mostaches and that nasty red stain around their eyes and mouth... yuck! I didn’t feed into it I didn’t say ‘awww’ once! I did however say multiple times I’m not keen on ‘that’ kind of breed or dog.. why don’t we look for shelter dogs? That went ignored much like I ignored his research. I grew up with bordercollies, smart, loyal, not needy, hardworking. Whilst they did shed I looked past it because I loved them so much it didn’t phase me. Anyway come September last year my partner tells me there is a spare puppy in a litter 5hrs away and we can pick it up in 8wks if we pay the deposit now. My heart sank... I was stuck the deciding moment came out of no where! I had him show me in detail the breed, photos, the cost I then went away and did my own research of the breed ‘groodle’ as well as ‘poodle’ and ‘golden retriever’ which is the mix. It came back to show the dog is smart (tick), the dog will be big (tick), the dog has separation anxiety (fail), the dog is stubborn (fail). I did my research so I knew was I was getting myself into. I went back to my partner with my findings which went unnoticed I then suggested we go to the pound to at least look at what’s there to rescue unnoticed again. The groodle was $2500! Yep you read that correctly... $2500 for a mut basically. Needy pound dog ($180). Anyway the day they were born he was showing my the photos the breeder sent. I was in disgust saying over and over I don’t like that no... then weeks past more photos and I just wasn’t interested. Anyway then came D day where we went to get the puppy. I was dredding it not one bit excited like I thought I would be. I was scared! The days leading up to D day I was the one running around organising shit for a dog I didn’t even want. Bowls, leads, beds didn’t even cross my partners mind to get this stuff. It was at this exact point I should of backed out of it! I knew something wasn’t right here. We picked up the dog ready for the 5hr drive home. I was looking at the dog occasionally while driving it was asleep in my partners arms or in the footwell gazing up at us... all I felt was an insane desire to stop the car and release the dog into the wild. I knew I already didn’t like this one bit. Fast forward months! I’ve spent countless hours training this dog! Coming home in the afternoon teaching sit, drop, come, stay, bed... I’d show my partner the work I’d put in which just seemed all to ‘natural’ to him. It was hard work. Not to mention the toilet and crate training. My partner had a big role with the dog... my partner is the ‘good guy’ the guy who the dog will run to for cuddles my partner picks the dog up and cuddles it like a baby... I told him countless times that the dog will be 20kg+ one day you better not get him used to getting on your lap! At times my partner tried to put the dog on the bed and on the lounge which I reminded him how big the dog will one day get! I was the bad guy here... teaching the dog manners, especially around the house so it doesn’t bowl ppl over or jump on ppl trying to enter our house... I AM THE ENFORCER! And don’t get me wrong the dog is pretty well trained... thanks to me and my efforts. But I still hate the dog and I have feelings of resentment to my partner. Whilst my partner thinks he put effort into training the dog it was minimal compared to what I have done! If my partner did do training I was the one overseeing it and ensuring he knew what he was doing - e.g ensure the dog walks beside him on the lead (no pulling) because the dog will one day be 20kg+. Anyway for the past year we have nearly had the dog for our relationship has changed. Firstly... sex... it has halved! Not to mention the Constance interference of a dog in our house. Trips away when we go away I am always saying ‘where’s the dog going to stay?/who will feed the dog?’ My partner never thinks about those logistics! I don’t know how he can forget the 20kg, smelly, gross, slobber mouth, burden in our life! I organise all the dogs food and vet logistics my partner would just not think about those kinds of things. Anyway this ‘life experience’ has made me realise some serious flaws in my partner, it’s sad really. Its made me mainly realise how selfish my partner is. It’s made me realise he has never changed where I have. We have had countless arguments about this topic, I’ve told him upfront how I don’t like the dog, how I am the one who has trained the dog, thinks about the dogs life and how I am feeling resentment towards him (my partner). He then throws the usual arguement card ‘your overreacting’ ‘we are a team and need to do this together’ pfffft!!!! Team! Anyway I guess the reality is I am treating this dog ownership like having a child with him... which is the biggest resentment contributor. I mean if he is like this towards a dog what will he be like towards a child? A bit off topic I have also been teaching my partner how to meal plan, grocery shop and cook in the last few weeks (after me being fed up of doing it all for years) and he is half arsing that to... we have a meal planner on the fridge and all he needed to do yesterday was buy bread rolls and he didn’t think to do that all day! I know he was at work (so was I) but it wasn’t until I reminded him by text at 6pm that he had to get them! It’s this kind of addititude which worries me... the constant reminder that we have a dog or that we need to eat... I mean where do I draw the line? We have a 3 year old child that needs food! Is these the constant reminders I need to give him for the rest of our lives? Before you potentially bad mouth my partner I won’t you all to know he is very loving and will do anything for me... really he will.

StarfishSandwich Thu 25-Oct-18 02:01:13

To be honest it sounds like you don’t much like your partner and the dog is just an extension of that. If you were so unhappy about getting a dog in the first place, what on earth made you agree to it?

Elphabaisnotwicked Thu 25-Oct-18 02:15:06

Please don’t hate the dog, it’s not their fault.

FlyingMonkeys Thu 25-Oct-18 02:58:06

Why did you buy the dog? You could have said no....

Aintnothingbutaheartache Thu 25-Oct-18 03:05:51

Bigger problems my friend. Why on earth do you have a dog in the first place?!
I read your post but quite honestly it made very little sense.
You clearly have nil conversation going on

GoldenMcOldie Thu 25-Oct-18 03:12:43

Your post is very long. General gist is that your partner wanted a dog. You didn't.

He got a dog anyway. You never said NO.

Partner loves dog. You hate dog.

Decision needs to be made partner and dog or not.

Simple really.

agirlhasnonameX Fri 26-Oct-18 10:38:37

Agree with pp tbh.
You didn't want a dog yet you made the 10 hr drive with him to get it? Makes no sense.
You both decided to get the dog so you are both responsible. Maybe you should sit down and work out set and strict care and training, who does what and when and what training methods you will both follow and be consistent.
It doesn't really sound like it's the dog in the way of your relationship

Costacoffeeplease Fri 26-Oct-18 10:44:53

You sound a delight.

You could have said no to the dog at any point, you didn’t and now you hate him?

Grow the fuck up

CantWaitToRetire Fri 26-Oct-18 11:14:04

So you can train a dog, but you can't say no, and you sure can't put paragraphs in a bloody essay of a post!

None of this is the dog's fault, so I don't know why it's getting the blame.

rookiemere Fri 26-Oct-18 14:06:48

I can empathise to an extent. DH and DS wanted a ddog badly - I didn't - not for your reasons but because DS is now 12 and I was enjoying being able to focus on my career and having a bit of freedom.

As they were so keen to get a ddog I agreed on the condition that we had a written contract of who did what with DH taking on the lion's share and having full responsibility for organising day care/dog walkers/vets visits etc. oh and getting up in the morning.

I have to say that DH has been excellent at keeping his end of the contract DS not so much but there you go. I do obviously have some care for DDog including looking after him on my day off and working from home, so I still have to do quite a lot - but when DH is there it's his ddog and he knows that I'm not going to step into the breach unless he's ill or away. I guess we have been lucky though as DDog is an incredibly good pup ( apart from being the size of a small pony already) and is easy to love. Also I will not let DH deliver less than adequate care - so when our dog walker let us down on Sunday night for Monday, his suggestion that we leave 5 month old Ddog alone from 8am - 5.30pm was rejected by me as being inhumane. Oh and btw if DDog is on his own until the afternoon, then that's probably where any behavioural issues are coming from.

I would say that it sounds like your Ddog is receiving a huge amount of training. I'm not expert, but I don't think you have to be controlling your DPs every walk with the DDog to make sure its done the way you want it.

In your case I think it's too late to mend the relationship. Your DP sounds lazy and unmotivated, but you sound somewhat controlling. Neither of these things may be true, but unfortunately once a relationship is stuck into roles it's hard to change unless both partners really want to. You're definitely right though not to want DCs in this relationship.

PoisonousSmurf Fri 26-Oct-18 14:13:24

Grow up or move out! You sound like a needy teenager!

BoeandBall Fri 26-Oct-18 18:23:40

"Before you potentially badmouth my partner" that's what you've done throughout the whole of your post

adaline Fri 26-Oct-18 20:25:16

The dog isn't the issue here, your partner is.

TheABC Fri 26-Oct-18 20:32:27

Have you told your partner any of this? I think you should be thanking the dog - at least you have found out now and not two years down the line with child and an irrevocable legal/genetic link to your current partner. Talk to him. I suspect part of it is learned helplessness since it appears he can hold down a job quite well.

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