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Birthday party invitations... feeling a bit peeved

(17 Posts)
Mandy03 Wed 01-Jun-05 12:04:40

I can't believe I'm feeling a bit offended by this, but one of the boys in ds' class (ds is 5) is having a birthday party soon and hasn't invited ds. Earlier in the year they seemed to get on quite well together, but for some reason they had a little 'spat' a couple of weeks ago and this may've had something to do with it. They've never been best buddies, but I've always thought they were reasonably friendly with each other. The thing that bugs me is that I also know the boy's mother - not very well, but I've been kind of acquainted with her since ds was about 3.

I understand that kids can't invite everybody to their parties and I'm quite certain he didn't invite that many children from his class, but he walked up to my son's friend this morning and handed him an invitation right in front of my son. The mother should know better IMO, as we are requested by the school to give out invitations privately so that un-invited children don't feel left out. It's been getting on my nerves today actually, whenever I think about it. Ds seems ok about it, but what I'm wondering is - how do you feel when it happens to you/your child? Especially when it's someone you thought would've given your child an invitation?

I know we're adults and this really shouldn't be a big deal, but it is bugging me and I'm feeling slightly resentful towards this other mother. Just wondering what others think/feel about this... thanks.

MarsLady Wed 01-Jun-05 12:08:40

Just to say that 5 yo aren't good at being discreet. It's a big thing for them about having parties, giving out invites etc. You just have to take it in your stride. Sometimes they get invited, sometimes they don't. Their friendships are so fluid for a few years yet. Their best mate today is not even in their radar the next.

I should try not to worry about it so much. You'll be the other parent soon when you decide to limit your party invites and your son decides to hand out his own invitations.

starlover Wed 01-Jun-05 12:08:55

As you say, "they've never been best buddies" and "they had a little spat"... i wouldn't take it to heart.

Maybe if EVERYONE had been invited except your DS then it would be understandable to be upset about it... but you know that isn't the case either...

all the kids can't go to all the parties unfortunately, that's just the way it is.

Perhaps the other little boy said he didn't want to invite your ds after theior "spat"... the mother can't really do anything about that can she?

Was his mum with him when he handed out the invite in front of your DS? If so then yeah, i'd be a bit annoyed. But he is only 5, and he isn't going to think about the fact that your DS might feel upset about not getting one...

Lizzylou Wed 01-Jun-05 12:09:40

I would be annoyed too Mandy...

IMO the mother is acting v discourteously and being inconsiderate in allowing her son to hand out invites like that...

However it may just be a very small afafir, ie: 5 friends or something?? Perhaps they have a big family/not much room/money and couldn't invite more people??!

Mandy03 Wed 01-Jun-05 12:16:06

I know, I know! I think it's bugging me because even though I'm not close to this boy's mother, we've spoken on the phone several times about our children over the last couple of years, she's invited me to a couple of jewellery parties at her house and she once asked ds & I to come to her playgroup when the boys were only about 3 - 3 1/2. She was also the only mother I knew at the school when my son started there at the beginning of this year. So, I guess I am a bit surprised that ds wasn't asked, but there isn't a lot I can do about it.

And yes, she was around this morning when her son was giving out invitations.

puddle Wed 01-Jun-05 12:18:00

I have mixed feelings about this to be honest.I gave DS's invitations to the teacher to put in book bags, precisely because I didn't want to have some children feeling left out. I don't like it when they are given to some children rather than others. But I chatted to his teacher about it and his view was that it is a 'life lesson' and something children have to learn to deal with. But I know from threads on here that some children don't get any party invitations at all

DS is 5 and to be honest it's water off a ducks back to him when he doesn't get invited to parties. I do know what you mean about feeling annoyed by it but I think sometimes we transfer our own feelings onto our children at this age. By the way my ds chose who he invited to his 5th birthday party - I gave him a number he could have and it was his choice. may be the same with your son's friend?

starlover Wed 01-Jun-05 12:18:24

but as lizzylou says... if it is a really small affair and your DS isn't in his close circle of friends then it's only to be expected.

Would be cross about his mum letting him hand the invites out though. If you do feel strongly about it then why not have a quiet word with a teacher and ask them to just re-iterate their request that this be done privately

coppertop Wed 01-Jun-05 12:19:35

I accept that the playground may be the only opportunity for parents to distribute invitations but I do wish that they would be a little more discreet about it. Ds1 started in Reception last September and hasn't been invited to a single birthday party. That's fair enough but I'm getting a little tired of trying to explain to ds1 just why he isn't invited - despite not really knowing why myself.

flobbleflobble Wed 01-Jun-05 12:50:29

Kids should be able to invite their special friends to their parties IMO. So I would not expect your son to be invited if he is not a special friend. I also think it is good manners to invite anyone whose party you have been to previously if possible.

Our reception class will not distribute invitations and this makes it very hard for parents to invite children when they may not know the parents or have contact details. I personally think too much is made of saving the feelings of uninvited children & that the time would be better spent helping them deal with not being invited to 100% of parties, which is reality.

The best way to get invited to parties is to have a big one of your own though. Did you invite this kid to your party?

noddyholder Wed 01-Jun-05 12:52:26

I think it is silly for parents to get involved in these things Not everyone can be invited and as my ds has got older he has often left people out that I assumed he was still friends with and me with the mums iyswim It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things

Mandy03 Wed 01-Jun-05 13:13:07

SIGH. Flobbleflobble, I found your post a bit harsh. No I have not had the opportunity to invite this 'kid' to my son's party, as my son's birthday is not for another two months yet, and prior to this they have not been at school together. I DID have every intention of inviting him though, and I DO have every intention of being discreet about handing out invitations to ds' friends when the time comes. Fair enough if you think that too much time is being spent 'saving un-invited children's feelings', but I'm afraid I don't see it that way. Neither does ds' school, since they request that parents give the invitations to the teachers who will then give them discreetly to the children. Obviously the school thinks that the childrens' feelings are important?

Of course I understand that not everyone can be invited. And yes, in the scheme of things, this is NOT a big deal. I said that in my original post. But feelings are feelings, and I was just expressing them - and wondering if others had felt the same. In all honesty I was probably more affected by this boy's mother leaving ds out, than her son leaving him out - I was just surprised, that's all. It does not matter, I'll get over it, and I'm just happy that my son does not appear to mind. All I was trying to do was express how I felt about it.

Bugsy2 Wed 01-Jun-05 13:23:27

It is funny how hurt we feel on our children's behalf.
I often stand there feeling devastated when ds doesn't get invited to a party but have learnt to accept that it is one of those things that happen. I always invite the whole class, because it is easier but I know not everyone can do that.
Life is hard - even at 5!!! Try not to think about it too much Mandy, as it sounds like the only person's day who is being spoilt is yours.
Cyber hugs.

flobbleflobble Wed 01-Jun-05 18:41:45

Mandy - sorry, I didn't meant to upset you - I am a bit pre-menstrual today and now I realise I was being quite insensitive as all mothers are naturally upset when things don't go right with our kids

kalex Wed 01-Jun-05 18:58:49

I used to get really upset about this, esp last year when DD wasn't invited to several parties, but she is so not bothered, she has never mentioned it, (I would feel alot different if she was bothered)

Now I look at it as a saving of a present, and we get the money to do something fun ourselves!

Hope that helps

coldtea Wed 01-Jun-05 18:59:09

My ds wasn't invited to a party recently & i was surprised as his best friend was. I couldn't see how the best friend got invited & not my ds.

That old 'pit in the bottom of your stomach' feeling was there for days as i felt sad for my ds but he didn't even question it! I'm sure it must bring back feelings from our childhood when we weren't invited.

The same boy has been invited by my ds to his party .

Mandy03 Wed 01-Jun-05 22:15:04

Flobbleflobble, thanks for the apology - it's ok. I suppose a lot of mothers get upset over 'irrational' things where their children are concerned

I'm glad to hear it's not just me though. What a shame we have to go through these kinds of feelings when our child gets left out of something - especially when the child doesn't seem affected by it. Kind of ruins your day sometimes doesn't it. Will have to grow a thicker skin somehow, I think...

lisalisa Thu 02-Jun-05 14:29:24

Message withdrawn

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