Funny poem for a civil wedding ceremony?Can anyone help?

[irishmum]

We're getting married,5 weeks today!!1)I'm scared 2)i'm so disorgansied it's not funny 3)i've finally talked my younger sister into doing a poem or reading,just can't find anything suitable.Anyone point me in the right direction?thanks.x

[Moomin]

It has to be funny? What kind of funny - wry? ironic? belly laugh?

[irishmum]

Funny-humorous,instead of all the 'thou' and 'believeth' and such words....

[Babbit]

There is one by Pam Ayres (sp??). I'll see if I can find it...

[Babbit]

Yes, I'll Marry You

Pam Ayres

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.

Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.

Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!

It's you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!

[MaryAnnSingleton]

Wendy Cope sprang to mind...

[MaryAnnSingleton]

www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemld=5679

[kitsandbits]

Hahaha Babbit thats fab

[irishmum]

Excellent Babbit.Any more where that came from?

[lisad123]

Love that one
I waas at a wedding this mornign and someone told me about a joke played on the quests.
When asked does anyone know wht these two should not be joined blah blah. A person stood up and said yes, marched up to the front, looked at the bride, and walked off saying sorry wrong wedding

[newgirl]

def worth a trip to local library - i found loads of books when i was looking for something else

[BellaBear]

I used this at my wedding last year -- my sister abbreviated it and changed the names in the last verse to names of all of our guests. It went down really well.

[BellaBear]

Actually, on rereading, she got rid of quite a bit of it first - all the waiting and more negatove verses - but it worked!

[alphonsa]

W H Auden - Foxtrot from a play??

try here

[Babbit]

Sorry that's my lot. Good luck and have a fab wedding.

[magicmummy]

The Flushing Bride
By Emily Walden Emerson

He a desk clerk, her a maid
Of a huge hotel where tourists stayed
He only saw her now and then
But he knew how their tale should end

He tried and tried to find a time
He could ask her ?Please be mine?,
When he could be on bended knee
And speak the most poetic plea
From such a classical position
Could she resist his proposition?

But she was busy, he was shy
And fast the time went by and by
Until she caught another?s eye
And he thought the second man might try

So he knew he must act fast
He?d find her now and ask at last
He searched and searched to no avail
But was determined not to fail

Then he smelled her sweet perfume
Right outside the ladies room
He took some flowers in full bloom
And went in after, to be her groom

Well she was shocked (how would you feel
To see a man approach, then kneel
While you were emptying your bladder
It would be quite an awkward matter)

?Please don?t think it too upsurd
If I could have a little word
I know my timing?s rather bad
But to lose this chance would be more sad
If you?re having trouble concentrating
I?ll wait till you?re through urinating?

?Well?, the maid said, full of dread
?If you must speak then go ahead?
So he bravely took her hand
Took a deep breath and then began

?For so long, I?ve dreamed of this
To propose and then to kiss
I know that you don?t know me well
Ask anything and I will tell
Yes there?s still so much to learn
We?ll have surprises every turn
But as I see you there, upon the throne
The sweetest frown, ever I?ve known
I?ve seen your best and smelled your worst
And still my heart it longs to burst

So take this ring it is a symbol?
She said ?It looks just like a thimble.?
He said ?Sorry, I had to hurry
The other man, he made me worry.?
?The other man? What nonsense utter,
That man you mean, he is my brother.?

?Your brother? That?s such a relief
But I found courage in my false belief
So here we are, and here?s the ring
Or the closest thing that I could bring
So please say yes, once and for all
Right here and now inside this stall?

Somehow, just then, the ring fell in
?Shall I reach in, or is that a sin??
?I think it better that you not
It really wasn?t worth a lot?
Then she added, with a blush
?And I haven?t yet a chance to flush?

As you wish, but I?ve no issue
To touch your urine or your tissue
I swear I?d swim in a sea of pee
If that would make you marry me
My Lady, let your heart decide,
Would you consent to be my bride??

?I can?t resist. That?s so romantic!
And I see that yours is quite gigantic!
I?m speaking of, of course, your heart
For it?s the most important part

So I say yes, I?ll be your bride
You?ve won me with how hard you?ve tried?
They shared a kiss, he smiled wide
For a touch of tongue she had applied

?Please carry me out, if it sounds not dumb
(It?s not for romance, my legs are numb)
One last thing, please don?t place blame
If I might ask, per chance, your name??

And that?s the story of how they began
The Flushing Bride, and her brave, brave man
And how that day he did trap her
Then and there upon the crapper
(Yes, they lived happy, ever after)