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People took advantage of us at daughters party

(52 Posts)
rhocfan1 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:35:27

I'm New here. Don't know where to start but need to vent. We Had our child's birthday party recently. A family member asked if she could bring an extra child, said the child would be leaving early and wouldn't be eating as I explained the table had been set up for the correct amount of kids...came to food time and my other half's family member came over and asked where this child should sit. (She asked quite rudely)..I was already feeling stressed (have anxiety, parent to my first and only child and this was my first big party I'd planned) so I said "well (said child) should have been leaving early, that's what I was told. There probably isn't room at the table but if you find a space that's fine"..I did snap, I hold my hands up to that but her reply upset me "what are you stressed for?" With a smile..this person knows my history with anxiety and other mental health issues..I apologised later but then we found out this person had just taken a party bag without asking which could have potentially left us short on bags. Another family member bought a child that wasn't invited without even asking. We aren't petty, we don't mind an extra child coming to the party IF we've been asked but this particular child had been bought to the party I feel to prove a point as an invite hadn't been sent.

I'm glad our child enjoyed the party, it went smoothly apart from these things that popped up but I do feel we were taken advantage of. We are kind, caring people. We spent a lot of money on the party ( we aren't particularly well off) and it's left me feeling that people we trusted, people we thought were family have used us as a doormat and tried to wind us up on what should have been a very special day. What does everyone think? Am I overthinking this? Is this just anxiety talking? Am I being petty? It's put me off having another party for our child next year and it shouldn't be like that! I know now no matter what invites are sent out it'll be the same scenario all over again. I'm upset, angry and hurt. In my eyes manners and decency don't cost a thing. Anyone else been in a similar situation. What did you do? I'm torn between letting it drop or telling them exactly how it made us feel.

PotteringAlong Sun 03-Dec-17 22:37:55

I think you’re making a small thing into a massive massive thing here. Yes, it was rude. But they didn’t leave you short, everything was fine and you are overthinking this out of all proportion.

Let it go.

MyDcAreMarvel Sun 03-Dec-17 22:39:14

So the extra child was a relative? I would have felt embarrassed that I hadn't thought to invite them, and found an extra chair.

KERALA1 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:40:03

With respect you do sound extremely anxious. Most people would find this mildly annoying at worst but you have inflated it into something massive. They were abit thoughtless but to be "upset hurt and angry " because of an extra kid or two at a birthday party is not a proportionate response.

Fishface77 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:40:34

Ooh this is a minefield.
I've had 7 siblings attach them selves to one of my kids parties.
Shifted them and told them no when they asked for party bags too.
My mum said to me your rude! You've upset those poor kids but like I explained that was the fault of their parents not mine!
Anyway I've never had a big party again.
I suggest having a party and leaving out those who took the piss but there will just be another cheeky fucker next time.

AgentProvocateur Sun 03-Dec-17 22:40:38

I’m glad our child enjoyed the party. It went smoothly

This is what you should be focusing on - not the uninvited guests. Yes, it’s rude, but these things happen in families.

aplaceinthesun Sun 03-Dec-17 22:41:22

Wow, in the nicest way there was a massive over reaction on your part OP. It was rude and inconsiderate of them to bring and extra child, but for you to feel that you cannot trust people or ever have a party again is completely OTT. There have been loads of threads about people bringing non invited children, I don't think it is that unusual.

LovingLola Sun 03-Dec-17 22:42:18

I assume these were cousins that had not been invited. I would let it go. And don't let it stop you from having a party for your child next year. Your child should not suffer because of your anxiety.

KERALA1 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:42:51

Just seen it was a family child. That makes your upset harder to understand surely when they are little you don't just invite one sibling of an extended family sibling group? They probably reasonably thought it was odd the other children weren't invited.

Ttbb Sun 03-Dec-17 22:44:04

As a general rule for future reference it's quite common for extras to turn up unexpectedly so you should always have enormous to accommodate a few extra children.

rhocfan1 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:44:50

The child that was bought without asking was a relative but our child doesn't see them ever and they don't see her..we were a lot more Flexible about that..the child who we were asked about the sitting and eating isn't related to us at all.

SparklingSnowfall Sun 03-Dec-17 22:45:27

Welcome to the world of children's parties! People turn up who aren't supposed to, people bring others/siblings slog uninvited. Those uninvited guests inevitably then expect to eat/have a party bag. Basically kids parties attract CF's galore!

You have no choice really to relax and go with it or you literally would never hold another party! Thank god mine are getting a bit older now and we're phasing the bloody things out

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Sun 03-Dec-17 22:46:09

Children’s parties are so stressful.

With my kids parties there’s always at least one kids that randomly doesn’t show up. But this is always offset by at least three kids who do turn up.

Just cater for an extra 2/3 kids and have at least 4 extra party bags.

Don’t tell them how you feel, let it go. Even if a kids party goes well it’s hell on Earth.

notacooldad Sun 03-Dec-17 22:46:52

Sure, it was rude but you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

SoftSheen Sun 03-Dec-17 22:47:58

It was rude of your relative to bring an extra, uninvited child, however this often happens at children's parties.

Next time make sure you have a couple of extra party bags and some extra food, then if something similar happens again you will be well prepared and it will be less stressful.

You can also keep the party bags out of sight until it is time to distribute them at the end of the party, and put a name label on each one to ensure that it goes to its intended recipient.

rhocfan1 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:50:58

You see this is why I asked if it could be my anxiety talking..small things that wouldn't bother others tends to wind me up no end and I get worked up however it's the way in which I was asked where he should sit and that sly smile when she asked why I was stressed that got to me. My partner explained earlier at the party that this particular child couldn't have a party bag as unfortunately I'd only made enough for the ones who had been invited (parents from school bought siblings but they didn't expect a party bag and didn't ask for one)..it was the way in which one was taken when they'd already been told by my partner that there wasn't enough that annoyed me the most. I wouldn't ever begrudge a child a seat anywhere, I did say if they could find this child a place that was fine but like I say it's the way in which it was done that really got to me and my partner tbh and he's usually so laid back it's unreal..it's put me off parties for life lol

rhocfan1 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:52:37

I'm useless at social events. Seems I planned it All wrong. Didn't even think of extra party bags or extra this that and the other..

Passthecake30 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:56:42

party bags are usually handed out individual as guests leave, so siblings and any hangers on don't get one (though they can have cake..).

Rainbowqueeen Sun 03-Dec-17 22:57:28

You are definitely not useless, knowing to provide extra party bags is something that comes with experience! I know I didn't do it at my first child's first party.

You are just a well mannered person who wouldn't dream of turning up to something that you weren't invited to or taking along someone extra who wasn't invited. Not everyone is like you though which is why this happened.

Just chalk it up to experience and move on. if your DC had a great time then that's the main thing. parties do tend to get smaller as DC get older and you may find the next one much easier!

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sun 03-Dec-17 22:58:06

Always prepare about three extra bags OP. This happens a LOT with children's parties. Yes it's rude but it still happens.

I used to prep two or three extra bags and then also have some empty bags and a few sweets and balloons as emergency in case the two or three extras weren't enough...and at times, they've all been used.

I give the extras away to any kids who have siblings at home if they're not used.

Ohffsmalcom Sun 03-Dec-17 22:58:17

Ah OP it happens at pretty much every kids party!
Yes they were cheeky but let it go
Your kid had a great time that is what matters
Always worth doing a few extra party bags even if it’s just a balloon and a handful of sweets in, so you can give to the inevitable extra siblings

You get better at the party lark as you go along and a few years down the line you won’t bat an eyelid I promise you

I do recall being a touch intense myself (understatement) at the first two or three we did but now I can’t give a monkeys so long as the kids are having fun

Honestly let it go. Not worth getting upset about really it isn’t. Well done for today your DC will remember all the good bits honestly

Viviennemary Sun 03-Dec-17 22:59:32

I think you are blowing this up out of all proportion. Yes it was irritating that people asked to bring extra children at the last minute. But I don't think you can say no to family. IMHO anyway. Yes it was very cheeky of them to take a party bag without asking. But just forget about it now. It really isn't very important.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sun 03-Dec-17 23:01:24

You learn from experience and from on here. We always put an rsvp date on, specified no siblings and never did extra cake or party bags as people didn't get to gate crash.

None rsvp's simply didn't get an invite the following party but were rare.

Jaxhog Sun 03-Dec-17 23:02:00

Well, it was rude of them, but it seems to be the way kids parties work. Some people are just CFs. At least they weren't badly behaved kids (other than taking a goodie bag). I've heard some real horror stories on here!

rhocfan1 Sun 03-Dec-17 23:08:11

Thanks for being honest everyone and for being kind without making me feel like a fool lol..I do think the reason I've taken it to heart is because it's not something I would do but unfortunately we can't all be the same. It's hard to tell myself I can't control other peoples actions because I'm very much a perfectionist and I like things to go to plan..when I saw the extra kids turning up I started to flap and it just came to a head. I can't believe I'm still going on about it when the party is done and dusted. I tend to overthink things to the point it makes me ill and you've all pointed out that I'm making it into something it shouldn't be. I need to relax!

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