21 yr old DD being an arsehole.

[Snooper22]

My DD has never been very academic and failed to get very good grades at school due to mild learning problems, but she went to college and got a level 3 in health and social care. After college she met a lad and she was besotted with him and ran away to live with him for a year cutting me off totally.

In that year she didn't look after herself and put on a lot of weight and had nits in her hair etc and spent most of that year just staying in the lads room.

My family and I eventually got to bring her home where I've been trying to get her back to a routine, tried to get her to retake maths and English but she wouldn't listen to the FE tutors and hasn't progressed. Anyway I've tried to get her into work, she got a cleaning job at a local care home 2 days a week which she said she enjoyed but now they have let her go after they said she wasn't cleaning up to their standards.

She's now split up with her boyfriend and is now hanging out with some other friends, she's staying out of my way. Last week there was a cleaning job at the local pub a couple of mornings a week she went for the job and got it. I thought great, she was meant to start the next day but didn't go in as she said she had a sore throat!!!

The pub have got someone else now but I was fuming with her, as she spent all day in bed talking to her mates.

I'm really at my wits end now, shes not bothering to look for work (I know there's not much out there but there are some.) Shes vile and abusive in her texts to me and I think why don't I just kick her out??? Anyone got any words of advice????

[FortunesFave]

I was a horror until I was about 22. My Mum completely stopped all support...no money...no lending me a tenner or buying me anything at all.

Obviously she fed me but that was all. I had to get a job or wear rags. It worked nicely.

[Kanaloa]

Is she helping much about the house? At 21 she shouldn’t have the option to lie about in bed all day talking to her mates. If she has no job how is she even paying for a phone to speak to her friends at all?

I realise she has a learning disability so I’m not sure how much of her behaviour is because of that, although you say it is mild. And sending you vile and abusive texts is totally unacceptable. Have you been able to speak to her about this? Maybe if you let her know your expectations very clearly.

I think if it was me I would be telling her she was on her last chance in the house and if she didn’t massively buck up her ideas I would be asking her to leave. I know there’s not many jobs at the moment but she can at least help in the house while job searching.

[Snooper22]

Shes living off her last wage as she was paid this week. She does nothing in the house. Every time I ask her to do something she twists it round to me and creates an argument. I actually moved her out to the annexe in the garden 3 months ago to try and help her with her independence and asked her to pay board as she was working. Im just waiting for her money to run out now. She speaks to me like dirt wont have a normal conversation and I'm ust so sick of it.

[FortunesFave]

Could there be an undiagnosed special need at play? The mention of nits in her hair made me wonder.

Self neglect of course is also synonymous with depression. What about a trip to the doctor? When she was younger, did you ever wonder if she might be on the spectrum?

[Iggly]

I also wondered about special needs. Maybe she’s struggled in the school environment and is struggling now. I don’t know the answer to that to be honest. Probably carrot and stick. Clear routines and expectations and when she meets them (and you’re clear what they are to her), she gets supported?

[Snooper22]

She does have SENs but they are mild and she tries to hide her struggles. Trust me I have been with her to every department in the land to help her. She is now on anti depressants. I've helped her to sign up to a work programme thru UC so I'm hoping that will find her work. She's got no inspiration to work but like everyone else she will have to work?? All she does is sit on her phone all day.

[FortunesFave]

Can you encourage her to have a daily walk with you? The routine, the fresh air and nature can be a very powerful medicine for depression.