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Oh older daughters fell out with him over my pregnancy

(57 Posts)
anno12 Fri 14-Aug-20 14:51:10

So i'm 28 and oh is 38, he had two daughters when he was very young who are 20 and 18.

He split with their mum 10 years ago and oldest daughter doesn't speak to her mum so oh does everything for her, pays rent, phone bills the lot.

Takes both on amazing holidays and generally gives them way more than any dad i know

I have a 4 year old with my ex husband however marriage broke down due to extreme domestic violence and his dad is not allowed near us so my little boy calls oh dad and they have the best bond

When we first got together i worried how his daughters would re act to my age and my little boy however we met and got on great and both said my little boy was lucky to have their dad as his dad which was lovely

I got on great with both girls, infact older daughter would speak to me about things she didn't want to talk to dad about and ive spoiled both of them the way i spoil my little boy and always made sure we include them

However at new year when oh left the room older daughter went on a rant and told me i better not dare have kids with her dad. It was so aggresive and when she left i ended up bursting into tears.

At 28 more kids where very much part of our plan so when oh brought up trying for a baby i asked him to speak to them and told him i was worried it would cause problems
He said she must of been joking and on speaking to them she said she was and didn't mind

However she came to stay with us for lockdown and asking me 1 day if i thought i was a bit old for more kids ( i mean no 28 isn't old)
I told oh there is issue and he spoke to her again
Then came the younger 1 claiming he doesnt pay her mum maintenance , this is a lie we have joint account she gets £430 a month so it just seemed issues where cropping up and maybe where had decided not so happy with our relationship

He reassured me all defo ok and im now a few months pregnant and he told girls start of the week, first people we told and his older daughter erupted.

Said they should of been taking out for dinner to be told ( i have HG plus im having to be careful as have severe asthma aswell as being pregnant so not going for dinners atm)
She then told him good luck with his new family and was horrible about me.
I ended up saying i thought this was unfair as she is part of the family. Ive given her so much i help her all the time and so does her dad. She told me to F off and blocked me
She then blocked him and so did younger daughter

Ive seen others on here saying older children have right to be angry but given we told them we planned on ttc and they said happy for us too i dont get it

I would never of acted like that if it was my dad but my dad would never have being paying my bills and spoiling me how they are at 20 so maybe i'm strange

Ive told him to maybe go see them and let them know he is always there but he feels he has done nothing wrong and no need for her to have acted like that

OP’s posts: |
Eggcellent29 Mon 17-Aug-20 12:57:05

Oh dear. It’s tricky when families have to blend together! But it seems like there is a few things going on here.

Firstly, I would just give the daughter some space. She has had no say in a decision that is going to change her family forever - and not for the first time either. She is allowed to feel angry and upset. It probably won’t last very long but I would be careful to show understanding and kindness rather than frustration. You do not get to tell her how she should feel about this.

The material things that her Dad gives her are absolutely nothing to do with this or, really, you. That is between the pair of them and it comes across as you using this to imply that he is a good Dad. Buying a kid things does not make a good parent - keep in mind that her parents split up so she clearly has had some difficulties in her childhood and upbringing. Money will not help this or mitigate it, so I would put it out of your mind when dealing with her.

Your comment st the end about how you would never behave like that, calling them spoiled and being sarcastic seems immature. If you want to be seen and respected as their Dad’s partner then you need to behave like an adult and keep remarks like that to yourself as they will only inflame the situation.

You decided to have a baby with a much older man who has children not much younger than you. It is up to you to be the mature party here and behave appropriately. I would also stop telling your partner what to do in regards to them - it may be coming across to his children like you’re trying to influence his relationship with them, which quite frankly you are. This doesn’t mean that they can do whatever they like, but it does mean that you need to be just a bit more forgiving of them and perhaps keep a bit of distance for a bit.

anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 14:04:13

Much older man hes 38, i'm 29 this year so i would not call that much older

And i asked him to makesure his children where happy and ok with me and how they felt about us having kids , if they had said it would anger them and cause abuse i would of left the relationship as my post read my last marriage featured extreme domestic violence ending in a lenghty sentence so the relationship with my partner was a big step and i've had thought it would result in me being called horrendous names by a 20 year old girl we wouldn't be here but they always said to him they loved me and happy for him to have kids

As i said i have done so much for his daughter and she would message me telling me how much she loves me and i always told her id love another 2 kids so its no surprise. It does now seem she loved me when i was taking her shopping or helping with uni work but because we did not take her for dinner to tell her im expecting she is furious. Not furious about the pregnancy per se furious she was not taken for a meal to be told

My parents split my dad lives in a different country we see him once or twice a year. Their relationships are not my business. Parents splitting is a normal situation not a tradegy and i don't think lee way should be given tk be horrible as your parents split up

And its not just my partner who gives her financial help its me actually he is the one who told me he thinks we need to stop doing it as he now feels she just uses us for money. She doesn't speak to her mum as apparently her mum has nothing to offer her.

The house we live in is my house i bought before i met my partner, i had a room done up for her moved her during lockdown so she wasn't lonely so i do think financial matters are to do with me considering alot of what she gets is from me and considering at point partner has been short on half the bills as he's paid her rent instead.

OP’s posts: |
anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 14:17:11

And another thing as much as i think she has been awful, i did say to oh still his kids. He doesn't want to speak to her feels she should apologise. I tried to be understanding by saying to reach out. Maybe then from your post i should say nothing which i think could result in them not speaking again.

Hes said hes disgusted at how shes turned out and all she does is take. I was trying to diffuse things. I shared the post on here as i haven't wanted to say to him to much about it and make it worse

I dont think parents and kids should not talk.

OP’s posts: |
RyanBergarasTeeth Mon 17-Aug-20 14:26:06

Nice to see you are already getting a hard time here op as a step parent. Step parents are wrong on everything on mn and they are all evil. In reality his daughters are both grown adults and spoilt childish little brats to boot. Its very relevant that its your house and that one of them is whinging he doesnt pay maintenance when shes a grown ass adult who can get off her arse and get a job like everyone else has to? Nope she wouldnt be welcome back into my house again and i would just not mention them again in all honesty. If he wants to see them and have a relationship then he goes out somewhere alone to do it.

Eggcellent29 Mon 17-Aug-20 19:15:59

@anno12 I think your response kind of proves my point. You wanted to be this girls step parent - now it’s time to act like a parent, and sometimes that means putting someone else’s feelings ahead of your own. Not forever, just while she absorbs this news.

I think that you saying that you wouldn’t have pursued a relationship with this man if his daughter had said she didn’t want you to is a bit of fib - on the one hand you’re saying that you would change your whole life for her but then with the other you’re saying that you won’t tolerate her being angry and childish about this news. Which one is it?

If you don’t like the finances surrounding her and it involves your money then you need to do something about it. It is not fair to give her money etc and then complain that she is spoiled!

I did not say that parents splitting up is a tragedy. I said that it was a change in her family that she had no say over which affected her childhood and upbringing, which is true. She is allowed to feel angry and upset about this. And, whether you agree with it or not, this is another situation she has no control over that directly affects her family, so it is likely to bring up old feelings. I’m not saying it’s fair or right or anything like that, but sometimes other people’s emotions and actions towards us aren’t fair when they come from a place of pain.

Again, if your partner chooses not to talk to his daughter then that is down to them. Why are you getting involved? It clearly isn’t helping.

You are correct - I am advising you to do nothing for now. Let the dust settle. Give everyone, including yourself, time to calm down and think about what’s been said. You may even find that she comes to you and apologises.

@RyanBergarasTeeth This isn’t meant to be a hard time, it’s meant to be a reminder that young people sometimes have explosive reactions and as parents we need to understand that they may sometimes say things they don’t mean, act poorly and need our support. It’s like when toddlers throw tantrums - they act out because they’re overwhelmed and need support. I am not saying that step parents are evil - not sure where you got that from? I have a very loving and supportive step Mum, who worked hard on our relationship and part of the reason I love her now is because when I kicked off she showed the understanding and compassion of a parent, not a competitor in my home.

What I am saying is that OP is giving confusing messages to them by allowing them to live in the house, not work, giving them stuff and then using that as ammunition against them.

I guess the real question is - what do you want out of this? What would make you happy in this situation given what’s already happened?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 19:30:03

Although obviously it's fairly obvious at 28 with a 4 year old that you might well want more children, and have as much right as anyone else to that, and although I don't think ten years at your ages is a ridiculous gap (unlike gaps where the new partner is old enough to be her partner's child) nevertheless it is disingenuous to claim you thought his children would be happy - they clearly told you they wouldn't be and modified that for their dad because he's in charge of the wallet and they didn't want to annoy him if they could avoid it by speaking to you.

It's not up to your step daughters whether you have children, but at the same time anyone who doesn't actively choose denial can see their issue. You're making them his first batch of children, and children of a first marriage are almost always screwed over on multiple levels if a second family of biological children come along, especially when the first batch live elsewhere.

It is not what anyone would honestly choose as the teen or adult child nor mother of those teen or adult children. They will feel replaced and demoted. The correct etiquette is to lie and pretend to be fine with it, and of course you aren't doing anything wrong, and should not have to forgo more children to conciliate your partner's other children...

Blended families are almost always difficult, but everyone knows that.

Lazydaisydaydream Mon 17-Aug-20 19:34:19

I'm a bit confused as to how you told them - do you mean he just sent them a message? Or did he still tell them face to face just not over a meal?

Devlesko Mon 17-Aug-20 19:40:35

Why is he paying the mum maintenance when the girls are adults?
I suppose him spoiling them financially and materialistically they are worried there won't be a place for them when you have younger kids.
Perhaps they feel like the spoiling will stop, when he maintenance does.
I suppose you can't blame them really.

TrustTheGeneGenie Mon 17-Aug-20 19:50:28

Op I'd leave her too it. I'd be questioning why daddy is paying her rent and everything else at 20. Doesn't she work? Is she at uni?

LirBan Mon 17-Aug-20 19:53:25

I would just allow her to have her gut reaction to this. It is shocking for her. Her Dad is having a new family.

Just let her feel what she feels and don't try and speed that up.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Mon 17-Aug-20 20:00:59

What a pair of spoilt brats. They are adults acting like little kids. I would have told her to grow up and get s grip. You don't need to be their stepmum, they are 20 and 18 fgs.

anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:03:01

@lazydaisydream, we had them here to tell them, we had said once lockdown eased we would go for a meal so she was furious we have not did this and said we should have had the decency to take them out

I'm not comfortable going out ( trying to stay as shielded as possible only seeing close family) and i've already been admitted to hospital once as i have HG so thought by them coming here my oh and them could order in and i could avoid the kitchen however they oldest stormed out taking younger with her before we got that far.

A barrage of abusive messages about not being taking for a meal etc came afterwards and then it just spiralled into name calling and what not

OP’s posts: |
anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:12:13

@untilyournexthairbrainedscheme

Yes they did hint to me they wouldn't be happy however older daughter and i did go on to talk about me having kids and it was all friendly, don't get me wrong i knew when it was a reality jealously would be felt but the extremely abusive reaction i did not expect

They would not have got less because of this baby i would never have allowed that, the oldest doesn't speak to her mum and i always worry about her even at christmas my partner gave me into trouble for going overboard as her sister gets from dad and mum she only gets from us. Guess i'm just sad about them not speaking to their dad again , upset and annoyed of course thats fine , she has said she will never speak to him again and equally he says unless she apologises he won't get in touch. I know it's ultimately between them but as a mum myself it feels horrible

OP’s posts: |
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 20:15:05

It sounds as though both the op and the dad have enjoyed spoiling them up to now. If you treat them as children it's not surprising when they act up to that around the people who treat them that way.

Presumably one or both of them are in education. Parents responsibility doesn't end towards their children on their 18th birthday unless they are in a position to be expected to completely support themselves. If they're at uni and just finished A levels of course it isn't suddenly all on their mother to provide room and board in the holidays, and few students under 22 support themselves entirely - the entire concept of means tested parental contribution assumes parents are responsible at least until the end of a bachelor's degree, where the student starts before the age of 21.

anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:17:37

@devlesko
He pays maintenance for the younger as her mum fraudently claims child benefit will probably stop soon

And oldest doesn't speak to her mum so he has always just looked after her, she wanted her own flat at uni so he agreed to pay rent till she could manage

He wouldn't have spoiled them less, i have a four year old he brings up as his own and they have both admitted they get more since i came into his life probably as i am always worried about these situations arising

OP’s posts: |
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 20:21:28

anno12 that doesn't bode well for him as a father! Bloody hell!
As a parent you sometimes have to be firm and say no or set boundaries, absolutely, but you don't declare that you won't get in touch unless your child apologises, regardless of whether your child is 20 or 16!

That's the action of a stroppy teen or a wronged boyfriend/ girlfriend/ friend, and you cannot behave like a stroppy teen or boyfriend/ girlfriend/ friend in the parent role! Parental love has to be unconditional! "I love you and always will, my door is always open to you and I'll always want to be in your life because I will always be your dad, but I don't like your behaviour at the moment" is the appropriate response. Always.

anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:22:34

Untilyournexthairbrainedscheme

Just to clarify mother does not provide at all for oldest daughter

And youngest dad pays her maintenance and she takes money off her to live there

Mum has never taking them on holiday. Dad has taking them every year

Not all mums do the main financial providing when parents split

We don't mind spoiling them but wouldn't then expect abuse as they didnt get a 3 course meal to announce a pregnancy

OP’s posts: |
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 20:23:16

anno12 it's right that he supports her by paying her rent at university - that's normal and the bare minimum, not above and beyond.

anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:23:59

@untilyournexthairbrainedscheme thats exactly what i asked him to message her but he says he thinks im being too soft as she is out of order

OP’s posts: |
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 20:26:16

anno12 the meal thing is spoil bratty but your op sounds as though despite only being 8 years older than your step daughter you've enjoyed treating her as a step daughter and joining her dad in spoiling her.

People don't become spoilt by themselves. Someone spoils them.

Supporting 18 and 20 year olds who are still in education is not spoiling them though, that's basic level not being an arsehole.

anno12 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:26:38

@untilyournexthairbrainedscheme guess its not normal for me my parents have not paid a penny for me since i was 16. I worked two jobs to get through uni

Besides the point i dont mind him paying but she has actually now began working full time and asked him to continue paying

OP’s posts: |
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 20:27:49

anno12 then you're right and he's wrong. As he's in the dad role to your child and soon to be the father of your dc2 you have a vested interest in getting him to understand that!

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Mon 17-Aug-20 20:36:57

anno12 unless your parents' joint income was under 25k gross per year they should have supported you.

This is for when you were at university:

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/#three

This is 2016 or later:

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/#one

Obviously the more parents earn the less their children can get as loans, so parents who earn over 25k and refuse to support their children who go straight or almost straight from school to university are not meeting their basic obligations.

Anxietea Mon 17-Aug-20 20:45:16

I don't understand why you asked for their input/opinion/blessings to have a baby in the first place confused

I think you have to keep your beak out and let him deal with this.

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