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My dad is an energy vampire

(3 Posts)
Olivianat Sat 30-May-20 21:42:29

Hi Mumsnet,

I need some advise on how to deal with my father's constant negativity. We have never seen eye to eye but his behaviour and mood swings are starting to wear me down as I find myself retaliating to his constant complaining and negative comments on topics such as race, feminism, music, etc.

He is 61 years old and is still stuck in the old days. He believes that pop culture went down hill after the 80s and everything that has come after it is rubbish. He has always judged and belittled my taste in music and TV.

He is a huge racist and never speaks up for the BAME community, despite being of Indian origin himself. When speaking about social issues, I always speak up for the BAME community but he will always disagree and put his own people down. He has a strong affiliation with English people and white culture in general. However, he belittles his own culture and community, which I find extremely hypocritical since he's been married to an Indian woman for the past 30 years. He is a self hater and during my childhood, had a lot of influence in brainwashing me against my heritage and culture. I'm 28 now but I'm still greatly affected by his negative attitude and opinions.

His behaviour doesn't just affect me but also affects my mum too. She feels helpless a lot of the time as anything she says to him falls on deaf ears. He never listens to her and always speaks over her, so she has given up.

Does anyone has any advice on how to deal with a person like this? Many thanks.

OP’s posts: |
cheesyrats Sun 31-May-20 11:17:25

Try not to get drawn into conversations with him, especially if they turn into a 'whatever' bashing monologue.

He isn't going to change, and as far as he's concerned he's in the right, so really the only thing you can do is ignore it, or change the subject. Either that, or minimise the contact you have with him.

You're an adult and entitled to your own beliefs and opinions.

pallasathena Wed 03-Jun-20 16:42:34

There is a theory that once men hit their 60's they morph into grumpy old sods. It dawns on them that they're no longer of any real interest to anyone except their immediate family and so they project all of their frustration, negativity and opinion on them.
Best to just avoid him if you can.
If he starts ranting on excuse yourself with a trip to the bathroom or offer to make a cuppa and disappear for ten minutes or suddenly remember that phone call you were supposed to make and head off for a bit of a break from him.
It is pointless getting angry, upset or even mildly amused with him and his behaviour.
Often, his generation have experienced the whole male entitlement thing which seems to give them the right (so they believe) to rant away without consequence.
You won't change him.
All you can do is manage his expectations and more importantly, your own.

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