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19 yo daughter needs to leave home

(8 Posts)
Bonkersblonde Sat 07-Mar-20 17:54:04

Hello all. Our 19yo daughter has always been “lively” but we’ve had several incidents in the last 2 or so years that are making her living here untenable.

She dropped out of college in the first term of her second year. Didn’t work for several months but eventually found full time work. Was sacked after 2 months because she had too many days off (drunk/hungover/overslept). She does get drunk, also smokes weed (and possibly but I haven’t got hard evidence of other drugs). She gets violent and difficult when drunk and we’ve had the police out (called by neighbours, not us) more than once. There’s been the odd day of casual work but nothing for a while. We don’t know how she’s funding her socialising, but we do lock cash away.

We were away last night and get a message from our other daughter (23, full time work, engaged, fairly easy going and also lives at home) that the younger was shouting, sweating and banging on the door because she’d forgotten her key. Elder daughter didn’t let her in (there’s been nasty incidents between them before) and she went fairly quickly, possibly to sleep at a friend’s.

We get back and quite a few antique stained glass front door panels have been smashed in, obviously she was trying to unlock the door but there’s a secondary lock.

So this is the culmination of several years’ anti social behaviour. She isn’t working or claiming UC. We think 6 months notice to leave, which we’ll decrease by half if there’s a further incident. Any more that one further incident, she gets a week.

It seems harsh, but we’re at tether’s end here.

Thoughts please?

OP’s posts: |
Berthatydfil Sat 07-Mar-20 17:58:09

6 months is far too long for a start. Give her a month and and stick to it.

IdblowJonSnow Sat 07-Mar-20 18:25:42

I'd give her two months and really mean it.
Emotionally might she need a bit of support if shes got issues with alcohol and drugs?

Bonkersblonde Sat 07-Mar-20 18:43:01

Thing is she has no job and what we want is for her to be able to move out properly ie not sofa surf or blag a room with friends or family. This should be long enough to achieve this. She only has 3 GCSEs and not a great track record so she's stuck with entry level type jobs

OP’s posts: |
Splitsunrise Sat 07-Mar-20 19:15:19

Yeah I’d say a month or two at MOST

mouldyoldonkey Sat 07-Mar-20 19:23:56

Although I couldn’t possibly excuse her behaviour, I don’t think it’s okay that your older daughter refused to let her into her own home (presumably while drunk?) She could have ended up anywhere, and if she was drunk could easily have got herself into a dangerous situation.

Betterversionofme Sat 07-Mar-20 19:45:55

I would sooner ask older one to move, as she presumably can support herself. I wouldn't leave my child on the street. I would try to create safe heaven home that could be used as a springboard to a therapy to deal with whatever issues need to be addressed. And got some counseling for me to be able to deal with all that. I can imagine it would be a very long road to recovery. Younger one seems to need more support.

Bonkersblonde Sun 08-Mar-20 01:59:07

Younger has had counselling and we’ve offered to pay for more but she has not engaged with this offer.

Elder refused to let her in because she’s scared of her and quite rightly. One of the police call outs was when they had a minor falling out that escalated into physical violence, a proper fight. It wasn’t pretty. Younger would have had the same consequence (ie. no bed) if we’d all been out which could easily have happened. Don’t feel sorry for her, she’s has emotional, financial and physical support but is very difficult to live with. We have to lock our rooms to stop her stealing. She takes any alcohol available, 2 bottles of champagne I was given were taken totalling about £70. She refused to replace even though she’d had some work at the time. It’s like anything in the house is hers even when it’s clearly not.

OP’s posts: |

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