Is there any way to get them to open up?

[poppym12]

I know my son is struggling. I have tried for years to help him and no matter which approach I've tried, he's just become more secretive and basically shifty.

I know there's stuff bothering him, I can see evidence of the fallout but he won't talk to me, to his dad, to anyone.

I don't know what to do.

[Bluerussian]

How old is he, poppym?

[poppym12]

He's 20.

[Eggcellent29]

What are you worried is bothering him? Being 20 years old is a tricky time - it could just be the usual worries and life lessons of that time.

Does he live with you? I know I certainly wasn’t sharing my woes with my parents at that age, but I also didn’t live with them. He is an adult and may just be trying to deal with his problems himself?

[SapphosRock]

Any long car journeys with him planned? Often young people open up while in the car as it doesn't feel like an intense chat and there isn't the pressure of eye contact or having to hug!

[poppym12]

Various issues @Eggcellent29. Maybe he is trying to deal with the problems himself but it seems like he's burying his head in the sand, as he has a tendency to do.

It's very difficult knowing he's struggling but I know I can't help him unless he wants me to.

[poppym12]

No @SapphosRock. No car journeys planned. In the past if he's thought I might talk to him he's put his earphones in whilst I'm driving.

[Eggcellent29]

@poppym12 Ah yes, burying head in the sand is common!

You’re in a really tricky position. I suppose all you can do is leave the door open so to speak. There’s nothing worse than being pressured to talk, but as long as he knows that you’re there for him, that’s really all you can do.

Does he have close relationships with other family members or friends? Perhaps they could help?

[poppym12]

He's not really close to other family members @Eggcellent29. His gran died a year ago and he's recently been avoiding contact with his dad too.

He told me earlier that he doesn't want any help with anything and now he's gone out. Again.

[swimmer4]

I would have suggested car idea too - the fact he puts headphones in does suggest he’s trying to block out what’s troubling him.
Another way in may be to ask him to help you cut the hedge together, wash the car or prepare food so whilst you haven’t got eye contact or touching he might respond.
You say there’s several issues - may be it seems insurmountable to him that perhaps you choose one of the smaller issues that’s possible to ease and unpick that?
Are they health/money/relationship/mental health/sexuality issues/work related? If you’re able to share here you might find someone has a way in for a specific issue that you haven’t tried yet.
It’s so difficult at this age - he sounds like my DS - still a man-child.
Best wishes

[poppym12]

Thank you @swimmer4. He's never been very confident, always anxious. Sadly he uses weed to 'help' with this. We've had years of talking, arguing, disagreeing over it but he still goes out and smokes weed every night.

He has disordered eating, vomiting when stressed, but whenever I've tried to touch on this he's hit the roof, strong denial etc.

There were issues early on in school with bullying for being quiet and studious and even after moving schools and after moving schools he seemed to swing the other way, stopped trying and hanging around with kids with a bad reputation, doing silly things to'fit in'.

Peer pressure, wanting to fit in, anxiety, weed and money worries associated with it. He works full time and has nothing to show for it at all. His car is now sat on the drive as he failed to pay his insurance on time and now the provider have cancelled the policy.

I've said that I'll help him in any way I can, budgeting, anything, but he says he doesn't want help.

I'm worried that he's in a lot of debt that he's not managing. He's very secretive, never eats meals with family, incredibly defensive even if I say 'hello, had a good day?'....many things that point to an unhappy young man that I feel powerless to help.

Apologies for the garbled post.

[Charliescar]

This sounds like my son , he is 20
also . I have had enough - I wasn’t him to leave , he shows me no respect and is dirty also .