Advice needed

[Alwaysinthewrong]

So I’m a mum , eldest is 23 and now has her own child .
I was adopted when I was young and grew up with family who abused me.
I’ve been diagnosed with Complex PTSD for various traumas 1 being domestic violence many years ago.
I always strived to be the opposite towards my children and with my eldest wrapped her in cotton wool, I mean...who in their right mind would take advice from abusers?
As we all know we don’t get a manual to bring children up.
My “crime” was being in a violent relationship, (wasn’t to begin with) I was weak, young, alone and vulnerable and didn’t have anyone to turn to, this had an impact on my child, now as an adult they have an attachment disorder , I feel guilty as hell and have done for years, I have always tried to support them where I’m able to (I’m not invincible) .
The behaviour is awful, I’m abused mentally “your dad should have killed you instead of your mum” “you’re not fit to be a mother” this has been going on years, constantly picks fault with me for everything.
They know they have an issue, I’ve said I would support them going for help/counselling but it’s all talk and the years keep rolling by.
Last year at Christmas I spent £250 on the grandchild and £200 on them, told their sibling I didn’t buy them a lot 😢 I work my socks off working 2 jobs and I always go above and beyond at Christmas.
They all know when you have children less money is spent on them.
I was mortified when I found out what they had said and felt really hurt, they cause arguments all the time and we won’t speak for months unless Christmas or birthdays and then I hear from them.
This year I was told I could see my grandchild on Boxing Day, now I can’t, do I take said presents round for all of them and be the bigger person or do I hold onto them and be skated on social media?
I’ve spent years pulling my hair out, feeling guilty and beating myself up.
They’re siblings don’t want anything to do with them so Christmas this year is really hard because all I want is for my WHOLE family to be spending time together laughing and being happy but feels it’s just too much to ask. Missing my grandchild too who I witnessed coming into the world 😢

[PurpleFrames]

Are you receiving support for your own mental illness?

What is the diagnosis of your child?
Perhaps helping to understand to the condition will help you to distinguish what is a symptom and what is simply "bad" behaviour.

You must be doing something right as your other children want you involved in their lives. What do they think of their siblings behaviour?

[Alwaysinthewrong]

I manage my own mental health well, I have down days like most.
She has an attachment disorder which I’m aware of, she will cause arguments with everyone say the most hurtful things and never apologise .
She will say one thing and then something the complete opposite .
The other two have lost their patience with her, she also says some pretty hurtful comments to them one being only 17.
It’s like she needs to be in control of everyone and everything, can’t advise or hve an opinion.

[PurpleFrames]

What is an attachment disorder?

Im struggling understand how what you describe is related to her mental health and not her view of her upbringing and poor way of articulating it

[Alwaysinthewrong]

I’m not asking about her attachment disorder , .

[PurpleFrames]

It's hard to advise on someone's personal situation when you are just working off what they post online in a couple of paragraphs and you don't know 'the other side'.

I'd say deliver the presents as normal.
But it depends on a huge number of factors which you obviously don't want to talk about 🤷🏻‍♀️