What do I do re DS? Landlord selling house

[poppym12]

I'm sorry if this is a mad ramble, my brain is mush at the moment.

Found out yesterday that my landlord is selling the house. We've been here for 7 years without problems (we as in me, my partner and my 20 year old son). I'm disabled, my partner works away during the week, we lost my mum earlier this year and my elderly father who lives 10 minutes away needs my support.

My partner is now renting a flat near to where he works (recently transferred to a different city) through his business as its cheaper than a basic hotel or b & b. Sometimes I visit him for a couple of days mid week and it is nice to be 'away' for a break as I rarely see my son and spend most of my time alone.

Ds is 20. He works f/t but never has any money. He smokes weed and I suspect other substances are or have been involved.

Basically I don't know what to do now regards living arrangements. I could move to where my partner is and come up to visit/stay with my dad. Son says he'd like his own space and would 'find places to stay'. This isn't what I want. I want him to have a home, to be settled. I worry about him. He doesn't seem to be able to manage his finances well. Sadly he does nothing around the house to help out and it's a strain to get him to acknowledge me with a simple hello. I suppose he uses the place as a hotel and takes it for granted that I've always got his back.

I'm tired. I'm ill. I'm scared. I feel pretty pathetic and overwhelmed right now. I don't know where to go from here. Any advice please?

[katewhinesalot]

Go stay with your partner and visit your dad regularly. Let your ds sort himself out.

[MrsMoastyToasty]

I think that you should do what is right for YOU, not your DS. Many 20 year olds are self sufficient (whether at uni, in the forces or just moved out). Your son will soon learn to adult.

[poppym12]

I even messed up the threat title!!!

My head tells me that you're right, but the feelings of guilt and responsibility are driving me mad. I worry that my son will end up sleeping on floors or becoming more involved in drugs, lose his job etc. I feel really trapped.

[JoannaObrien]

I am sorry you are going through this ... I am a landlord and would not sell any of my houses unless I knew my tenants had somewhere else to go. Not all Landlords are like me unfortunately.

[poppym12]

He always said we could stay as long as we wanted to joanna and even yesterday the agent said he was 'in no rush to sell'. We asked if the photo taking could be deferred for a week or so but no, it's got to be done this week to go on the market. That sounds to me like he wants to sell asap .

[LynetteScavo]

Is it likely landlordwould sell it to another landlord, and therefore having tenants in the property would be beneficial to him?

I'm presuming your DS can't live with your DF for some reason.

At 20yo you can't control your DSs life. Can you help him find a bedsit or house share?

[poppym12]

Very doubtful that another landlord would buy as its a perfect family home. Small village, good primary school, sought after location.

My son can't live with my DF and he wouldn't want to.

I have offered to help my son in any way I can. As usual when something is changing or different he's appearing to ignore everything, become even more non communicative and basically just smoke more weed. I have big concerns over him anyway but the last few years seem to have proven that living with me has enabled him to just carry on in his own way.

I'm trying to get ready to move, tidy the house for the photos and just wishing that I could disappear. It all seems like too much to sort.

[poppym12]

We talked at the weekend and DS doesn't want a house share, can't afford a flat on his own and seems to want to go halves on a flat with me (I really need to be here for part of the week).

He seemed very down before he went out last night and couldn't eat much dinner. I've been really worried about him (as usual). He came home stinking of weed again and overslept for work this morning. Idiot that I am I hollered upstairs to wake him at the eleventh hour as I don't want him to lose his job.

I was out earlier so he text me to ask if he had to do his own tea. Yes I said. When I pulled back onto the drive I could see into the kitchen he was laughing and joking on the phone in a jovial mood. I drove away again and returned when he'd gone out.

It seems like we bring each others moods down just by being around each other. Wanting me to stay local and maybe get a place together is just using me isn't it? Getting high or wasted appears to be his priority. I've asked a few times what he wants to do about housing and I get 'dunno, I'll think about it'. The house is being sold. There isn't much time to think about anything.

[Singlenotsingle]

He'll just have to sort himself out. There are hostels. We had a man living in our annexe with the lodger, without our knowledge. When we told them he had to contribute towards the household expenses, he just left. Next thing we knew, he was walking past a hostel locally, went in to enquire and got offered a room! That's all your boy needs.

And yes, him wanting to share a flat with you just means he wants you to pay to house him again. Every time you came back, you'd have to start cleaning and washing up. Let him stand on his own two feet, and get him on the housing list.

[poppym12]

I'm really confused about everything. He's had symptoms of depression and anxiety for years but has totally refused any offers of help or support. Now he's putting off even thinking about housing.

[CmdrCressidaDuck]

He's an adult, you haven't mentioned that he has SN of any kind, it's quite likely that it will do him good, maybe a lot of good, to sort himself out. All due respect, but adults don't need someone anxiously monitoring how much they eat. It's stultifying and frustrating.

Put yourself first and sort out a solution for yourself. At the moment you're basically giving him the constant message that he can't cope alone. He probably can. Like most people, he'll learn by doing.

[poppym12]

I hope so. I'm not sure how long he'll ' think about it' for but probably until someone else makes the decision for him.

[Singlenotsingle]

He's not thinking about it though, is he? He's just putting his head in the sand.

[poppym12]

That's right single and it's extremely frustrating. I'm not sure how to change this.