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Anyone have experience of adult children being upset about their father having a new baby?

(77 Posts)
Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 11:48:50

I'm due to give birth to a baby girl next month. My partners son has said he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. Apparently he still hasn't got over his parents break up which happened 4 years ago. His mum has moved her new partner into the house He's 22 and has been angry about it from the beginning. He won't even spend any time with me.

Anyone have any experience of this sort of thing? My children are fine with it all, in fact they can't wait to meet their new sister. They are 18, 15 and 10.

BillHadersNewWife Sat 23-Nov-19 13:33:22

My friend's husband left her and shortly afterwards, he met a woman (we think he'd already met her actually) and set up home with her and her two children who were under 10.

My friend and he had two teens aged 18 and 19 when he left. The girl dealt with it but the boy (young man) didn't.

He wouldn't visit his Dad and his new partner and children and when his Dad announced the baby they were expecting, he went up the wall.

He's not spoken to his Dad since...that was 2 years ago. His sister visits regularly.

He's very close to his Mum and saw how devastated she was...he looked after her in the aftermath of it all...

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 13:59:37

Oh dear, that's sad. With me though, there has not been a cross over as such. I'm the second relationship he's had since his parents split.

MilliiMoo Sat 23-Nov-19 17:32:34

What does the "As such " mean please?

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 21:24:12

It means nothing other than an expression. He had split up with his wife 2 years prior to meeting me and by then she was with someone else.

plantainchips Sat 23-Nov-19 21:29:09

I suppose it’s a thing if because the age gap is so large between your partners son ( and I suppose your older children especially the 18/15 year olds) they are unlikely to ever be close or have a sibilant relationship.

:/

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 21:45:03

Yes there is a big gap but I don't see why that means there can't be a relationship of any kind.

SquishySquirmy Sat 23-Nov-19 21:51:06

Yes, my sister was super weird when my younger brother was born.
Our parents divorced when we were very young, dad met new wife years later, years after that (me and dsis adults by this point) dad and step mum announce they are expecting.
So in our case it wasn't as though my step mum had anything to do with my parents marriage breakdown, nor was it a new relationship or anything. By the time my brother came along, Dad and step mum had been married for far longer than my parents were!
But my sister has never been close to my little brother. Which is sad, he's a lovely kid and she's missing out on my opinion. She uusedto be the youngest and the "baby" of the family though which I think is part of the reason. She has accepted him however, although she doesn't go out of way to see him or anything she will send him a Xmas present and would not be horrible to him on the rare occasions she does see him.

Hopefully though your step son will mellow with time? Especially as he gets older, many people are still very immature and self centred at 22. It's possible he may never really warm to the new baby, but maybe he will... I would say don't expect much from him (then no disappointment) but don't write him off or burn any bridges either.

And Congratulations! flowers sounds like your new baby girl will have some loving older siblings (your kids) whether your step son comes round or not. What an exciting Christmas yours will be!

SquishySquirmy Sat 23-Nov-19 21:54:36

From my experience, a huge age gap does mean that it is not a normal sibling relationship.
Especially as I'd long moved out on my own before my brother was born, so don't see him as much as I'd like.
However a close relationship is still possible, even if it is more of an aunt/nephew (or in your case uncle/niece) relationship.

BellyButton85 Sat 23-Nov-19 21:58:27

I'd be livid if at 22 I was getting a sibling blush utter mortified!

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:03:45

Thank you @SquishySquirmy It's interesting to hear what happened in your case. We can't force him to want to be involved and I wouldn't want to either. At least the baby will definitely have my daughters to love her.

My 15 year old did admit that if it was her dad having another baby and not me she might find that more difficult than if it was me. Maybe it is harder for the fathers children?

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:04:27

Why, @BellyButton85 ?

BellyButton85 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:06:16

I really don't know. I suppose when I was 22 my folks weren't old but seemed old to me. It would be even weirder to me if it wasn't my two parents having a baby but my parent and someone who isn't my parent

stucknoue Sat 23-Nov-19 22:09:55

My kids have made it clear to their father they don't want him to even mention the new girlfriend (met after we separated) though bizarrely have no issues with my new man. They blame their dad for the breakup (it was him). You can't make kids accept a new sibling, especially when they haven't accepted the end of their parents marriage

Opendraw Sat 23-Nov-19 22:10:50

My SS said he would kill the baby etc etc he was only 12 at the time . I said this will be someone who will absolutely adore you and outside your own kids no one will love you like this. Anyway after a few months he got used to it and they are a close as can be and still 15 years later.

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:12:02

Oh I see. I must admit, having not been in the situation myself it's hard to say. My partner is 50 but I'm 39, hence how this happened. Certainly won't be having any more after this one because it's been such a tough pregnancy. But we're very happy about having this baby girl.

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:16:10

You can't make kids accept a new sibling, especially when they haven't accepted the end of their parents marriage

I think this is possibly the crux of the situation. He's not happy about his mum's new bf moving into the house either.

SharkasticBitch Sat 23-Nov-19 22:16:14

No experience but my parents divorced and remarried. Neither had any more children and tbh it would have absolutely broken my heart if they had.

Sorry and there is no reason anyone else should feel the same but I felt very vulnerable when my parents split - I imagined each would feel sad when they looked and me because I reminded them of the other parent and their failed marriage.

For them to have a child with someone they now loved would have left me feeling like I was suddenly second best and not as preferred. I'd been replaced, sidelined.

Luckily both new spouses did not want children and as an adult I am close to all parents and step parents.

Just sharing in case it's useful.

Rainbowtheunicorn Sat 23-Nov-19 22:19:14

Can you honestly say that if your Dad had another baby with a new women when you were 22 years old, you’d be excited about it? That’s more like a parent age gap.

There are 10 years between my half siblings and I, I adore them but 22 years I probably would have seen it as a massive inconvenience. In your 20’s you may be graduating, getting married, having children of your own. If your father (who may already have limited involvement in your life) is busy with a new baby you may feel like they won’t be a part of that anymore.

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:21:59

For them to have a child with someone they now loved would have left me feeling like I was suddenly second best and not as preferred. I'd been replaced, sidelined.

Thanks for sharing this. I don't want him to feel like this, or my children. I love all my children the same and would expect the same from my partner towards his. I would take a dim view of a man who sidelined his existing children, even if they are adults.

GeekNotChic Sat 23-Nov-19 22:24:41

It might remind him of the finality of his parents marriage. I remember when my dad met someone else, a few years after her death, I was quite upset (privately, not with him). It just reminded me my mum was gone, never to return. Might be a similar feeling for him.

Moomin8 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:24:48

Can you honestly say that if your Dad had another baby with a new women when you were 22 years old, you’d be excited about it?

I'm not sure. I think I would have been really happy about it BUT that's probably because I'm an only child and I always desperately wanted a sibling. I can see your point about this though, definitely.

SharkasticBitch Sat 23-Nov-19 22:27:31

I get that moomin and just for clarity, my own dad is fantastic and never would have sidelined me but that would not have stopped me feeling sidelined, iyswim. Just the reality of him being full time with a new child while seeing me less often because I lived elsewhere would have done it.

ruralcat Sat 23-Nov-19 22:31:10

I have to admit I wouldn't have been over the moon if either of my parents had announced a new sibling in my 20's. I do however think he'll probably soften once the baby is here.

Oct18mummy Sat 23-Nov-19 22:31:47

Not quite the same situation but my daughter was 18 when I was expecting baby and she was livid. I think she believed it would change everything and she wouldn’t be loved as much. Anyway roll onto him arriving and she is obsessed with him. I’m so glad the situation turned itself around and hope same happens for you. It’s so tough.

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