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Am I a bad parent..(sorry long)

(5 Posts)
Superfly Mon 04-Nov-19 12:21:42

After one huge row yesterday I told my son (nearly 24) to go. We have always had a fractious relationship and bumped heads a lot. He seems very disrespectful towards women - a trait his father has too.

He wasnt a particularly difficult child, although has no concept of timekeeping (no sense of responsibility about keeping people waiting, pathologically being late for school / work) and although he didn’t do too well in school he turned it around, went to college and has worked steadily since he was 16.

I split from an abusive relationship with his father when he was 18 months old. However, he always maintained a good relationship with his dad and we shared custody. However his father wasn’t the easiest of people, I’m sure he would badmouth me to my son as from an early age he would usually come home from a weekend visit full of attitude calling me ‘mental’ and the like. Things really that only kids would pick up from hearing others say. I met my DH when my son was about 5, and we married when he was 11. My DH has treated him as his own, and my son has never wanted for anything. However during his teenage years it got worse, would say things like ‘you can’t tell me what to do you’re not my dad’ so over time my DH has just taken a back seat when it comes to discipline, as he didn’t want to either cause arguments or aggravate them. He has only said things to my son when he has been particularly abusive or disrespectful to me. We also have a younger DS (now 14). He has never been the type of brother who spends time with his younger sibling, although they have a good relationship.

So it’s gone on like this for years - cycles of getting on ok, interspersed with bouts of nastiness from him - mainly towards me. He has become very selfish, doesn’t see his grandmother, doesn’t remember birthdays or occasions, completely swerves anything ‘family’ (meals out etc)
He was stabbed when he was 15, and I know this has affected him. So I tried to make allowances for him and he has suffered from anxiety issues for a while. I’ve tried to persuade him to try counselling but he won’t consider this. Over the years he’s been fascinated with the ‘gangster’ lifestyle and angry because he didn’t earn a lot.
So, the past few weeks I’ve had a suspicion that he’s got involved in some sort of dealing. Drugs probably, I’m not sure. From a lad that would come home from work, go to the gym, maybe see his gf in the evenings - he as gone to rushing in from work, straight to a newly purchased safe in his room, eating and then straight out. I’ve said as much to him, I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t want anything illegal going on in my house - he hasn’t admitted it but hasn’t denied it either.

Things came to a head a couple of days a go when again he rushed in, straight to the safe. I asked him for a lift to the nearest shop (2 mins drive) as It was pouring rain. This isn’t the first time he has refused - this is a fairly regular thing. I don’t drive due to sight issues so normally walk. He said I can’t I’m busy, ran out and took off tyres squealing. Had a bit of a go yesterday when he got up and things escalated quickly as I said I was sick of his selfishness. I said we don’t often ask much of him and when we do need help there always a refusal from him. He argued and explained that he was too busy. I said unless it was life or death I didn’t accept any explanation for the way he took off. He said it could have been for him - which again makes me think he’s involved in something nasty.

I know it’s his business, he’s a grown man but I can’t help feel I am abandoning him by asking him to go. He hasn’t really got anywhere to go apart from his gf She lives with her parents. I’ve been in bits since yesterday. Has anyone else been through anything similar and does it get easier?

Screamqueenz Mon 04-Nov-19 18:51:21

He's an adult, who is potentially dealing drugs out of your home where you have a teenager living?

I genuinely don't think you had an option. He has made adult decisions, the consequences are not your responsibility.

Superfly Tue 05-Nov-19 21:14:41

@Screamqueenz thanks. What you’ve said makes perfect sense. Been a hard 48 hours, don’t know where he is and had no contact - but I’m sure he will be ok.

Screamqueenz Tue 05-Nov-19 21:34:55

My brother went off the rails about that age, and my mum spent years blaming herself and suffering for it.

In reality there was nothing she could do about it to protect the rest of the (younger) siblings.

My brother now agrees that whilst it was hard on him it helped him in the long run.

Good luck, and please remember that this is not your fault. x

Superfly Wed 13-Nov-19 16:04:16

Well, been a week and a half now - brief contact where I ended up getting very upset so not a successful meet up. He is involved in some sort of dealing - wouldn’t admit what but is but is getting ‘good money’. Apparently I should be happy that he’s excited to be moving on and ‘stop acting like he’s died’!
I’ve not slept and constantly in tears and I’m just so knackered from it all.

Reading through some of the other similar posts on here I’ve been trying to apply to the advice given to others to me but it’s so hard. In my head I’ve gone through every possible scenario from when he was small to see if I could have done something differently and would that have made a difference? Exhausting.
I have to step back and tell myself this is his choice and I have no influence or control over what he does. Does the worry ever go away? I’m just waiting for the knock on the door to tell me he’s been arrested (or worse) sad

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