Anyone who has thrown adult child out or was thrown out please help

(27 Posts)
GettingRopeBurns Mon 07-Oct-19 16:45:34

Dd 19 has really been pushing me last few years and I don't know how much more I can take.

Dropped out school, luckily got job, but she's throwing everything away job, friends, health, money and me.

Partying too much, drinking loads, arguing all the time, destroying our home I don't know where my sweet kind sensible girl has gone.

Can't talk to her without getting roared at. Reached final straw this week and told her to leave, I had to get someone else to make her leave.

She keeps asking to get her stuff but she's done that before then when I've let her in she's refused to leave. More arguing. I've let her move back other times when she has promised she will change but it don't happen..

I don't want to make her leave or lose her or have her stuck but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this.

Can anyone help please?

Please be kind as I'm feeling awful about the whole mess.

OP’s posts: |
Raphael34 Mon 07-Oct-19 16:47:40

You’ve done the right thing. She’s a grown woman, not a child. I’d put her stuff in the front garden and tell her to come and get it. If she did enter your home then I’d phone the police if she refused to leave. She can’t get away with acting like this and needs to start experiencing consequences for her actions

ClemDanFango Mon 07-Oct-19 16:47:50

Take her stuff to where she is, she’s an adult now and needs to deal with the adult consequences of her behaviour.
Be clear that you love her and always will but won’t facilitate her terrible behaviour any longer.

Mrsjayy Mon 07-Oct-19 16:50:17

I think she sounds out of control she has no right to disrespect her mum her home like she is doing and I think asking her to find somewhere else to live is fine you could drop her things off to wherever she is staying. You sound frightened of her and no parent should be bullied and intimidated by their own child.

AuntieDolly Mon 07-Oct-19 16:59:57

Where is she staying?

GettingRopeBurns Mon 07-Oct-19 20:43:32

It don't feel like the right thing feels horrible. We don't have a garden. I don't know where she is staying she just said friends. But she fell out with her old friends I don't know new friends.

Not scared of her, scared of her reactions and scared for her with her acting how she is especially the drinking.

I have tried to help her get help cos she says she's depressed but she don't listen to drs or go to appointments. She don't look after herself and I can't make her sleep or not drink or whatever

OP’s posts: |
GettingRopeBurns Wed 09-Oct-19 20:33:16

Still stuck. Dd still not home and I still dunno what to do. Still no apology or accepting her part in the fight, instead telling other people a very bias version of what's happened leaving a load of important information out. One of these people has said they'll come with her to get rest of her stuff but I'm worried they'll try and make me let her live here again even though nothing has been sorted or tell me off for letting her down. They have never dealt with anything like this themselves.

Feel a bit cornered, judged, looked down on as if it's all my fault.

OP’s posts: |
Waterandlemonjuice Wed 09-Oct-19 20:46:49

Hi. Poor you and her. Is there someone sensible who can arbitrate between you and help you to talk? She’s still a teenager and they can be very horrible I know but they’re not fully developed. You must be worried about her as well as fed up with being treated badly. Can you bear to have her back with the promise of agreeing some rules? I know the feeling p, I nearly kicked my ds out once but dh talked me out of it and I’m glad he did. Good luck.

Waterandlemonjuice Wed 09-Oct-19 20:49:03

And she’s still your baby, your child, I’d keep trying to get through to her and try kindness and asking her to explain what’s going on. Just try listening and not being defensive and see what happens. Feel free to ignore me of course.

GettingRopeBurns Wed 09-Oct-19 21:13:30

Done aaaaaaaaaaalllllll of that before. I've listened tried to help her look after herself better and sort out certain things I've had promises up to my ears that weren't kept I've had people trying to be middle person but they got fed up with her and the situation too. She's fallen out with nearly everyone that cares about her lately.

OP’s posts: |
Lyingonthesofainthedark Thu 10-Oct-19 09:26:13

I think you are ready for her to move out and you that you are looking for a solution beyond pretend apology and repeat. That is reasonable. I also think, from your posts, that you feel powerless and unsure how to get it back.

It doesn't matter what she wants, in terms of your home Aug REALLY doesn't matter what anyone else wants, depending on what she has told them. And depending on who it it, they may have a stake in her returning in terms of alleviating their own uncomfortable feelings.

It matters what you want, and what you think will happen if you let her back. I agree that she should stay out for a few months at least, although I wouldn't say that to her. Take her stuff to her. If she won't give you an address she doesn't want it that much, and it is a ploy.

Lyingonthesofainthedark Thu 10-Oct-19 09:27:07

It really

NekoShiro Thu 10-Oct-19 09:46:30

If you're saying she's suddenly done a 180 personality wise, is distancing herself from her life long friends, partying to a point that may be abusing alcohol and is constantly in a fury then maybe something traumatic has happened to her, you don't just change for no reason, take her to counselling? Maybe shes developed some kind of mental illness that's only just started to show now such as depression or bi-polar?

I'm worried if you kick her out to live with strangers who are probably just enabling and encouraging her current behaviour you're just setting her up to fail.

But if you've tried everything I'm pretty sure you can call the police to remove her and she can stay in a hostel as the council are inclined to give her accommodation if she's homeless.

GettingRopeBurns Thu 10-Oct-19 17:46:08

I don't feel ready to leave the whole week has been really stressful. But I am wanting a change from fake apology and repeat. I really can't be doin with that any more.

I do feel powerless and stuck and scared stiff.

I might be right about those people judging having their own fears one at least I can see dd hoping they'll give her a place to stay but their elderly and sick and definitely couldn't cope with her comings and goings and ups and downs.

She won't say where she's staying.

@NekoShiro not a sudden change last few years. It's just last few months have been worst. She's been drifting away from childhood friends but the best friend kept sticking around but they been arguing more and more cos best friend been getting treated bad too, dd mainly being ok with her when she wanted a favour or nobody else wanted to go drinking.

Mental health is reason she keeps giving but me and gp made her loads of appointments which she mostly don't bother going gp have her pills but she won't take them I think cos she don't wanna have to stop drinking cos most of em you can't drink while you take em.

She says she's got somewhere to live but I am worried where it is and what it's like and if she'll be safe there. This is not how I wanted her moving out to be.

I wanted to help her find somewhere, get nice things for new home, know new place was nice and safe and know her flatmates.

This is all wrong but I dunno what to do or even say to her. She's so angry and defensive all the time, she won't listen to anyone sensible. She thinks she has it all sussed but she's making a mess of everything

I thought I'd done a better job bringing her up she weren't spoilt she had everything she needed we used to be really close and could talk about anything now it's like talking to a stranger

OP’s posts: |
AJPTaylor Thu 10-Oct-19 17:51:56

If she is working, leave her to it. I know it's so hard but forget what others think and say they are not in it.
Write down exactly what you are doing and why to remind you. Stick to it.

GettingRopeBurns Thu 10-Oct-19 18:43:29

@AJPTaylor have you been through this? I really want to hear from parents who've been through this because I have no idea if I'm doing right thing but I don't know what else to do.

I don't know what to say to her I don't wanna back down cos I've done that before and obviously it didn't help either of us. But I'm scared of losing her all together too.

I don't know how to keep us communicating without it either becomes an argument or me giving in and nothing changes.

OP’s posts: |
Lyingonthesofainthedark Fri 11-Oct-19 23:09:41

She is an adult, albeit a young one. I think you need to draw some real boundaries, mainly for yourself, but also to show her that people's boundaries are real.

Papergirl1968 Fri 11-Oct-19 23:30:07

I wish I had some advice but I’m having similar issues with my dd1, who is 18.
She left home at 16 to move to another part of the country with her boyfriend, but they split up and since then she has moved in and out a few times.
We clash because her attitude is that she’s an adult now and can do what she wants and mine is that if she lives in my house, she lives by my rules.
What helps us a bit is that she tends to spend several nights a week with friends or family. But our relationship is still very difficult, and she’s very volatile. The other night she appeared to be high on something although she insisted she’d only had energy drinks and was clearly showing off for the benefit on some lad she was on the phone to by speaking to me like dirt.
In your case, I’d be insisting your dd looks for a bedsit or shared house. Help her find one, tell her you both need your own space, give her a deadline to leave by. Is there a relative or friend she could stay with while it’s sorted out? If she really won’t leave, you’ll need to pack her bags while she’s out and leave them on the step.
You might well get on better once she’s gone.

GettingRopeBurns Sat 12-Oct-19 02:55:10

God I've tried boundaries but I'll admit I just crumble when she kicks off cos I just can't face another argument pathetic I know.

OP’s posts: |
Rachelover60 Sat 12-Oct-19 03:14:12

GettingRopeBurns, it certainly is the right time for your daughter to be living away from you but it might have been better had you helped her find somewhere to live and then help her move. I suppose it's too late for that now but if she is just sofa surfing or dossing on a floor somewhere, maybe it isn't.

I wouldn't worry too much about her drinking and OTT behaviour because that isn't uncommon at 19. If she's still doing it at 21, then I would worry.

Having a place of her own, be it ever so humble, would give her some responsibility. It would be nice if you could help her achieve that.

Good luck.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Sat 12-Oct-19 03:16:29

DH threw DSS1 out after he cleaned him out of money. I don't think he had much choice, because DSS2 and DS were affected by his behaviour, but it was difficult nonetheless. However he has lived independently ever since, and his relationship with DH improved over the years. We just couldn't tolerate drug taking and theft around the other kids.

I was kicked out at 17 for telling my mum to fuck off after she objected to my boyfriend. (She was right to). I also saw it as a wake up call and got my act together, but did it by moving in with the boyfriend. Bad mistake. But you live and learn.

GettingRopeBurns Sat 12-Oct-19 03:33:53

Not every time I mean but omg I'd just get worn down!

We clash because her attitude is that she’s an adult now and can do what she wants and mine is that if she lives in my house, she lives by my rules.

This is it! This is us! And my rules are a lot more easy going than my parents were! Basically don't treat me or my house like shit! What that means is don't talk to me like crap on your shoe, don't be noisy at night, let me know if you're not coming home at all that night, clean up after yourself, pay your way and don't expect me to keep helping you out with money when you get more money than me! I don't think that's so much to ask?

Volatile oh yes perfect word. The mood swings are chronic! I started putting HER periods in my diary so I could know to avoid the worst ones but its not just hormones, it's if she's not got enough sleep or not eaten or drunk or maybe sometimes high but I never thought she'd do the drug thing I know famous last words eh. It terrifies me the thought.

She's already been staying with friends. I've missed her like mad in some ways but in some ways it's been a relief. I've been able to relax not have to check the clock and feel tense cos she's due home, whole rooms stay clean and tidy, no arguments. But I've missed her laugh and hearing her singing, her asking me what too to wear with her outfit, does her hair look ok, occasional long setting the world right talks, shared memories.

Omg this is so hard!

She's saying she's found somewhere and is moving in Sunday but I dunno whether to believe her and if she has is it somewhere safe and nice? I love her and I want her to be ok but I'm also scared I'll lose her.

OP’s posts: |
minesagin37 Sat 12-Oct-19 03:57:43

My dd 19 was getting difficult to live with. She wasn't totally out of control but was not respecting the house, staying out late, bringing lots of friends home. Then she got a boyfriend and he was round all the time. It was getting very difficult . Fortunately she applied and got into uni and I pay her rent. About 4 months after she moved out she apologised to us for her behaviour. It's better she goes then she will be able to reflect on what you have done for her.

Pixxie7 Sat 12-Oct-19 04:08:40

It sounds as if you need some time apart, if she says she has somewhere to live, trust her.
Try treating her as an adult, perhaps give her a month and then invite her around for a meal or alternatively meet for a coffee. Let her know that no matter what you are there for her. Try and respect her right to live her life as she wants but remind her this goes both ways.
She will soon realise how much living costs are and hopefully reduce her drinking.
If she is really depressed unfortunately she needs to realise that for herself and ask for help.
All you can do is make sure she knows her your mum and love her.

timeforachange123 Sat 12-Oct-19 07:06:47

Could she have an emerging personality disorder do you think? Has she had trauma during her childhood.
Not making excuses for bad behaviour btw
I cant suggest anything you say you haven't already tried or aren't able to do. It's not uncommon for relationships to break down in families in late teenage years. I'm assuming you have been able to tell her what her housing options are in your area? Do you have a young persons hostel? Has she presented to the council as homeless? In reality the sofa surfing won't be able to go on indefinitely and it doesn't sound as if you'd actually be helping her by allowing her home while her attitude is so entrenched in this unacceptable way

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