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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Parents of adult children

help getting over relationships

15 replies

Whenwewere6 · 24/09/2019 18:41

Name changed for this because I wanted the advice from those with older children that have been through this.
My Dd 17 has been in a fantastic happy relationship for 2 years with a boy a year older who adores her, to the point of wanting to take a gap year so they could attend Uni together. They have been inseparable seeing each other most days. Dd has now told me she wants to end the relationship because she is no longer attracted to him, but she hopes they can keep a close friendship. He’s become part of the family having spent so much time here and holidaying with us a number of times, it’s been like having a son. We all get along really well and I will miss him being around.
Does it get easier as they get older to stop yourself becoming fond of their partners.

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Skap · 24/09/2019 21:56

In my case while I have become fond of DSs girlfriends he has been treated very badly by two of them. What has been difficult has been remaining fond of them after they broke his heart. He has always made huge efforts to remain friends with exes.

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Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2019 22:00

It's really hard when you've formed an attachment to your child's boyfriend or girlfriend, but we need to keep it to ourselves. If our children feel they should end a relationship we need to support that 100%. Undermining their judgement is not a good thing because they have their reasons, some of which we might not be aware of.

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Ibizafun · 09/12/2019 19:24

Wish I had wise words but I understand just how you feel.. ds just ended his 3.5 year relationship with a girl who was like one of my children, like your situation came on numerous holidays with us, was part of our family. I am grieving for the loss of the future that won’t be as she was such a one off, special person.

I think the only lesson we can learn is to distance ourselves next time and never assume anything about the future.

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whenweweresix · 09/12/2019 21:50

I haven’t checked back for a while but thank you all for the hand hold and advice.
Here’s how it’s going!
@Skap 10 weeks on and they have remained close friends which has been amazing so far. They have been spending quite a lot of time still doing nice things , concerts, theatre, dinner and there does seem to be a genuinely strong friendship at the moment which is confusing their friends! His parents have remained very welcoming, she has stayed overnight a couple of times , platonically, as they can see it is all very happy although Dd still maintains she can’t ever see them being in a relationship again.
@Ibizafun I still feel the loss and I know open to being torched by MNetters as they are young etc etc but I feel the same about him being a special person. I hope she will find the same connection again in the future with someone she is attracted to. We can only hope it means there is someone more suitable waiting for them in the future.
This weekend they both decided they should have a fling with other people at a party to start moving forward, so the drive home was strange for me to listen to as they comfortably teased each other about their evening. I’m hoping they can continue this level of friendship because they really do care about each other but realistically if one of them starts dating it will inevitably change.
I realise going forward that keeping a distance and not getting too attached is the key but I’ll have to hide the fact that he has really set the benchmark high!

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Ibizafun · 09/12/2019 22:06

It’s amazing your pair have remained close friends.. that’s their way of detangling and working their way through, and if it’s working for them at the moment than that’s good. Yes when other relationships come along that will have to change though. It’s heartbreaking. I just wish my ds would have met her in 10 years time, when perhaps he would have realised what a gem she is- selfless, loyal and talented. What are we like!!!

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whenweweresix · 09/12/2019 22:46

@ibizafun yes I’m totally with you, he is good looking, intelligent, fun, romantic and loving and Dd describes him as her best friend and that he means the world to her, I’ve tried explaining it’s the ultimate dream marrying our best friend but sadly she says she is no longer sexually attracted to him. There will be one very lucky lady out there In the future!

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Ibizafun · 09/12/2019 22:54

At least she talks to you and you have a reason for it.. not that it helps maybe. Ds keeps everything to himself and won’t even tell me why. We even got close to her parents who were lovely people, we cared for our children together, I loved the whole thing. No bloody way am I ever getting so involved again till I’m a grandma that’s for sure!

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whenweweresix · 10/12/2019 15:07

Absolutely!!

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Whenwewere6 · 02/01/2020 21:39

@Ibizafun checking in to see how things are with you and how Christmas went for you?
Our situation now very odd. BF found a new GF v quickly but then admitted at new year it was to upset Dd as he really wants Dd back. Dd in tears and spent NY with him although she still doesn’t want to get back with him. Had his parents over for dinner pre Christmas as planned and tbh it’s all messy his parents adore Dd. I’m truly hoping that Uni will change everything and we won’t find ourselves involved again

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Ibizafun · 02/01/2020 22:26

Wow. Your dd sounds such a strong personality. Will they be at the same uni? You just never know, she might change her mind in time. You have to have faith in her feelings even if it’s not what you’d like, as if one half of the couple isn’t happy it won’t work. I wish I could take my own advice though!

Ds came skiing with us over Xmas and my friend commented on how he had changed.. so confident like a different person. I’m accepting it more now and am SO embarrassed to say this but I even thought about the children they’d never have!! What a lunatic am I?! She would’ve made the most incredible mother.

Will you carry on seeing his parents or will that finish? Thanks for checking in!

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Ginfordinner · 02/01/2020 22:33

It's really hard when you've formed an attachment to your child's boyfriend or girlfriend, but we need to keep it to ourselves

I agree. DD's BF of nearly 4 years dumped her just before she went to university. He used to be a nice, kind considerate lad, but going to university changed him into a cocky and arrogant and self absorbed arsehole who put DD last, so I wasn't upset when the relationship ended. I was only sad that DD was upset.

NYE was difficult for her as she had spent the last three with him, but that is now behind her.

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Whenwewere6 · 03/01/2020 14:11

@Ibizafun your DS sounds like he’s doing just fine which is great. Ikwym I’ve also irrationally thought about how they would be a great family. Sounds like DS will find someone more suited to the person he’s becoming! Have you stayed in touch with her family over Xmas?
@Ginfordinner yes I wonder too if same will happen when he gets to Uni. He leaves in September and I can see it possibly playing out that way, maybe then they will both move on.
Currently we are not moving forward as they both say they still love each other and are spending so much time together but it is described as a quasi relationship and Dd still has no sexual feelings for him. I now feel sorry for the rebound girl who must wonder what she’s got involved in.
I think contact with the parents will probably fizzle out but we do get along with them independently of our children so who knows! It’s an odd one for sure.

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Whenwewere6 · 03/01/2020 14:14

@Ginfordinner it must have been hard for your Dd. This was the the 3rd mine had spent with her BF so imagine next NY will be where yours is now! Hopefully also in the same position in being able to move on!

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Ginfordinner · 03/01/2020 15:17

TBH I didn't expect the relationship to last as long as it did. It survived the first year of the BF being at university, but I was really disappointed just how conceited and arrogant the BF became. He would say things like "I hate coming home, there is nothing here for me". It was disrespectful towards his parents, upset DD and pissed off everyone in the friendship group, and annoyed us. It was as if his hometown and everyone it it wasn't good enough for him any more.

You will find that many mumsnetters will tell you not to get over invested in your DC's relationships, but when their partner spends so much time in your home it is difficult not to.

We had no relationship with his parents. I have to say that they were rather odd and not very friendly, so I never bothered to do anything other than small talk on the rare occasion our paths crossed. They never made DD feel welcomein their home, so she rarely went there. They were like this with everyone though, not just DD.

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Whenwewere6 · 03/01/2020 17:32

@Ginfordinner I really do wonder the same may happen here. It’s sad and I do think it’s maybe the initial relief of getting away from home. You say his parents are odd, I know the BF doesn’t feel he has any connection with his parents even though they are really decent people they seem out of touch with who he is.
Hope your Dd came through this, has she managed to process it all?