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Where to go from here

(4 Posts)
whycantlifebesimpler Mon 09-Sep-19 10:59:16

I thought life was meant to be simpler as our kids get older...
I have a 26 yo ds still living at home, has good well paid job but lots of debts. He has ADHD, smokes cannabis (and possibly taken other stuff in the past but I don't know for sure) spends most of his time playing games on the computer in his room and drinks a lot - out of boredom I think as he doesn't have many friends.

Now he has had a massive fall out with my oh who tried to stop him going out one evening because he was really drunk. Ds has said he is going to move out now and wants me to write a letter to the council saying I am kicking him out and thinks he will be entitled to a council house - I have told him this won't happen as he has no kids.

It's really horrible because he's now really angry and I just feel our whole household is in a relationship breakdown. He said he has spoken to mental health professionals who said a lot of his behaviour is learned behaviour from me.

Tbh part of me feels like just leaving and getting away from it all, but I won't.

I feel at his age it probably would be good for him to move out because he can definitely afford to and then if he wants to go out at 4 in the morning or whatever it wont affect anyone else.

Parenting is tough. If anyone has any advice please can you share, please don't be judgey, I never would have imagined either of my kids being like this towards me.

redcaryellowcar Mon 09-Sep-19 13:43:35

I'm sorry as I don't really know what is best to do and realise you are in a very difficult situation. I have experienced the 'backlash' of counselling, my sister came and told me that most of her mental health issues was because she felt smaller than me. It's ruined our relationship. The irony of it all, is she is my younger sister, is shorter than me, and sadly my mother made huge efforts to treat us equally and celebrate our individuality. Please don't let a comment from counselling as a one off shape your whole relationship? With hindsight it's a journey, and I wish my sister had continued counselling and included me in the next steps as I feel it wasn't just a one stop comment, or at least shouldn't have been.

whycantlifebesimpler Mon 09-Sep-19 17:31:50

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I am sorry that the relationship between you and your sister has been ruined. What an idea for the counsellor to put in her head - did she not think about what damage could have been caused by this! So sorry but I do hope that one day things will work out ok and you can get over it x

shiningstar2 Mon 09-Sep-19 17:54:07

26 is not a child ...but on the other hand they are always our children in that we want to protect them and don't want anything horrible to happen to them. We all learn an awful lot of life lessons in the first couple of years after moving out from parents. Especially if the adult child has lived at home with the same expectations he/she had as a child and hasn't had to be properly responsible for their own provision. Often the adult child is quite happy not to pay much board ext but still expects to be free to be an adult when it comes to drinking/gaming/work/socialising ext. This is a recipe for disaster ...especially if there are also younger kids in the house. It's probably time he moved out op. If he can't get council accommodation can you help him with first deposits ...either as a gift or a loan and maybe with a few pots and pans bedding ext. Then stand back and see how he does. Not easy I know.

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