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Uni budget

(28 Posts)
Dollyparton3 Thu 05-Sep-19 13:42:48

Another similar question to a recent thread.

DSD is off to Uni this year and living at home with her mum for the first year.

We will of course help out with essential purchases. Books, tech, parking fees near uni, living costs in her mums home.

DSD seems to have wild expectations of what she needs to live on and insists it's not enough. We've heard estimates of £600 a month to be at uni, when we break it down, petrol will cost her £100 max and we've paid for her car already.

On the flip side, "living costs" to her seem to be eating out every day, buying more clothes than she'll ever wear and eyebrow tints, gel nails and Russian eyelashes. That's £100+ on beauty treatments that I can't even justify whilst working full time. She regularly goes to clubs and drinks cocktails at £10 a pop.

She works 3 evenings a week and we've offered her a couple of days a week looking after the dog whilst she studies. I'd pay her what I pay the daycare company. It's win win for her, she can study whilst getting paid. But she can't commit to when she'll be free so won't help us out there.

So. My question is, whilst uni students are living at home with you what's the expectation of support? Apparently we're being unfair in not giving her money to go out and spend in the student bar, and we've said her allowance will now need to go towards something tangible so that she can start to learn how to budget in preparation for living out of home next year.

Until she winds in her lifestyle to a level that isn't beyond our own means we refuse to fund it.

I should add she'd not taken a student loan for this year and doesn't want to work any more than she already does. And she won't sit and work out a sensible budget with us so we're at a bit of a standoff

Herocomplex Thu 05-Sep-19 13:47:22

Wow. Everyone’s different, and it’s up to you what you give your kids.

But to be honest I think she’s got high expectations about what her life ‘essentials’ costs and being funded by someone else.

If she’s really grateful and appreciative and you can afford it then it’s up to you.

Dollyparton3 Thu 05-Sep-19 14:24:45

That's the thing. Essential isn't really essential.

We keep reminding her that it's not a champagne lifestyle at Uni but it falls on deaf ears. We can't afford it so if she was mature enough to see that expectations don't always match reality as an adult we could negotiate.

In an ideal world we'd contribute to the cost of living at uni, rent/food etc. But for the next year it's going to be tricky to strike a balance. If she'd worked hard all summer and put some savings away we'd be pleased as punch but she's spent everything that's come into her account every month. That's why we want to start with the budget lessons

Ribeebie Thu 05-Sep-19 14:39:36

Wow she sounds to have very unrealistic and unreasonable expectations. She's very lucky to be able to live at home rent free and have some additional help from parents financially.

When I went to uni I felt very lucky that my mum and dad paid for my accommodation. I then took our student loan and used that to live off, tipping it up with working in the holidays. It's made me really appreciate what I earn and I think I'm financially quite savvy as a result of that.

I'd offer her what you can afford and feel is reasonable, she can take

Ribeebie Thu 05-Sep-19 14:40:08

It or leave it. And how she finds the rest of her extravagant lifestyle is up to her - work or student loan would be my suggestion to her.

Herocomplex Thu 05-Sep-19 14:42:18

Ok. One of my DC’s lived at home for uni, had a part time job. I provided meals and basic toiletries, and gave them £25 a week to cover lunch, in the holidays as well. That’s it. They took out their full loans. Their wages were more than enough for the fun stuff!
Many of my friends just don’t have spare money to give to their DC’s so they have to get jobs.

GCAcademic Thu 05-Sep-19 14:47:22

As a senior lecturer in a university, I don't have £600 a month to spend on eating out, cocktails, clothes and beauty treatments! She is demanding a lifestyle that she most likely won't be able to afford once she graduates and starts earning her own money.

greentheme23 Thu 05-Sep-19 14:51:56

Yes it's a constant challenge. We pay rent for my dd but she then has to sort herself out with money to go out from her maintenance loan and her evening job teaching art classes. We don't fund her in that respect.

ArsenicChip Thu 05-Sep-19 14:56:37

Wow! She should be taking her loan and living off it! Perhaps you could help her mum out with her housing costs if you really want to help, but she needs to use the loan!

Dollyparton3 Fri 06-Sep-19 07:59:20

Phew, good to get some perspective on this, thanks everyone. Neither me nor my OH has any help from our parents with uni, I keep telling her that in our day students used to live off baked beans wearing home knitted jumpers but it's falling on deaf ears.

We will definitely help out with living costs at her mums in the first year, it's the demands of cash with no accountability for where it goes that frustrate us.

Herocomplex Fri 06-Sep-19 08:24:40

Are they demands or expectations though? I think young people can feel a weight of expectation on appearance and establishing themselves in new surroundings, so I understand if that’s her concern. The problem is when I went in the 80’s jumpers, jeans, boots and eyeliner was all I needed to fit in!
I hope you find a good solution, it does sound as though she needs to get a better understanding of how money works!

HybridHetty Fri 06-Sep-19 08:29:50

Good on her for working three evenings a week, I wouldn’t think more than that is reasonable really with the demands of study as well.

Your opening post was loaded with judgements about her so I won’t go down that route but in answer to the question about financial support, mine have £100 a week to pay for everything after rent and essentials are paid for.

It’s up to them to budget and I don’t want or expect a detailed breakdown of where they spend their money.

ChangeItChild Fri 06-Sep-19 08:48:46

If it were my child I would cover her petrol, and mobile phone (obviously feed and house her too!) Most of the shopping, cooking, housework & laundry will be done my me so that's a huge perk too.

I'd give her £30 a week for spending.

Anything other than that I'd expect her to earn herself.

Looking after the dog etc. helping out around the house, giving younger siblings lifts etc. Would not be seen as work that she gets paid for, I would absolutely not be paying her to look after the family pet, she should offering to do this willingly. Family life is about give and take.

CherryPavlova Fri 06-Sep-19 08:56:01

There is huge variation in what parents can or will provide. Ours sit in the middle of the range. It’s about money but also the level of support.

We pay accommodation £750 a month for a house share. We cover bills including insurance, electricity etc.
We pay opticians and dental costs.
We pay phone contract.
We pay all books, laptop, printer and do a bulk buy of stationary at beginning of term.
I do a big online food basics shop for the house (spices, detergent, olive oil, salt, pepper, pasta, rice, foil, lavatory paper, bin bags etc). Another set of parents farm, so fills the freezer with meat for sharing. Another set do the household shop - first aid and simple medicine chest stuff as well as shared toiletries like hand wash, tea towels, hand towels, laundry baskets, shower mats etc.
They take loan for tuition but we’ll pay off if the graduate with 2:1 or above.
We pay travel costs to come home or for special events and from and usually drive them once a term each way.
We then give a set amount to support their living costs and they budget (more or less).
They call their father and wring more out of him every few weeks but know those extras are luxuries not essentials ( dresses for balls, hotels when going to 21sts etc).

Some get far more, some get far less. You do what you can and the best by your children.

Farahilda Fri 06-Sep-19 09:02:59

How much was CM when she was under 18 and at school?

She's probably going to be costing her DMum a similar amount for her keep, so perhaps you shouid expect to pay much the same, split between DMum (for household expenses) and DSD directly. You might also want to look at how much student loan se is getting for living costs and how much is parent top-up and compare that to CM figures

The give her a separate 'set up' sum - some for when she starts, and some when she leaves home and needs to buy stuff for her own accommodation.

Catforaheadrest Fri 06-Sep-19 09:13:22

Has she previously been getting a large allowance? How has she been funding her lifestyle up to now?

£600 a month “fun money” is far in excessive of what I have. Probably explains my eyebrows.

simbobs Fri 06-Sep-19 09:17:52

I don't know which uni she is gong to but the majority of students are not such high maintenance; there are plenty of soap-and-water girls around who are actually going there to study. If she thinks she is going to need money for the things you suggest I would worry about her motivation in the first place. My dd is in her 3rd yr and wears quite a lot of make-up (her mask against the world) and spends a lot of time on her (curly girl method) hair, but is probably in a minority in this regard.
We ferry ours to and fro and stock them up with groceries and toiletries at the beginning of term, but that's it.

Dollyparton3 Fri 06-Sep-19 09:37:35

Has she previously been getting a large allowance? How has she been funding her lifestyle up to now

No she's not been getting a large allowance, this is just the figure she's mentioned to us but that includes (we suspect) eating out 3 nights a week. A £50 spend Saturday nights, mani/pedi/lashes/brows etc etc.

This is where the conflict is between wanting and needing things. I want nice nails. I can only afford to pay for them on special occasions. I want to eat out all the time but we only do that twice a month max.

So the lifestyle is new and aspirational. But it's very much demanded not based on anybody's reality until now

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis Fri 06-Sep-19 09:42:29

£750 pcm for a house share?

CherryPavlova Fri 06-Sep-19 20:02:27

@Ihatemyselffordoingthis I know, student landlords fleece parents in some cities. Four pay £750 and two pay £600 for second floor rooms. So much money for a fairly ordinary, Victorian, six bedroom house. They don’t even all have en-suite bathrooms.The garden is quite small and there’s only two parking spaces.
I think the closer to the university the more it costs, unfortunately.

jelly79 Fri 06-Sep-19 22:12:16

Is your DP still paying maintenance? Then anything above this would be his choice and she will have to budget / earning accordingly?

Dollyparton3 Mon 09-Sep-19 07:58:58

Yes we are. I say that as "we" as it's a joint household expense from us

WaxOnFeckOff Mon 09-Sep-19 10:17:46

Ds1 is staying at home, he gets food and board, his mobile phone paid and his car and insurance (shared with DS2) is paid. We give him £250, this covers his train and petrol with not a lot left over. Socialising etc is his cost. DS2 is away, we pay his halls and mobile and he also gets £250 for food etc, he only gets access to the car when at home during the holidays. No idea if this is right or wrong, trying to be as fair as possible.

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 11-Sep-19 22:03:01

I know this won’t be a popular view and obviously depends on what you are able to do, but I do think what THEY see as reasonable is the level of support their friends have. It depends on her crowd if all her friends have Russian lashes... I don’t think it’s an unreasonable amount to ask for and if she is working to help fund it AND you can afford it, ok. If you can’t, fair enough!

OhTheRoses Wed 11-Sep-19 22:18:50

Well mine haven't lived at home but we have paid their rent and DH gave or gives the same as the minimum student maintenance grant each term (which they don't claim) which for dd was £1300 per term I think.

I give dd £100 pcm standing order, phone contract and pay for dentist, optician, prescriptions, the occasional haircut etc, and buy her a few clothes and sub the odd ball ticket. We also take and collect each term.

No nail, lash or expensive night out habits here. And no requests for extras. No overdrafts either.

Both ours have had summer jobs to earn a bit extra.

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