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Who is unreasonable here - when to stop paying for adult children?

(67 Posts)
HoobaHooba Sat 31-Aug-19 18:30:30

DD is 23, has just graduated as a teacher but hasn’t got a job for September (not sure how hard she’s tried tbh).
She has a job which is a zero hours contract, but more than minimum wage - not office hours.
She works a f/t equivalent, but hours can vary from week to week (have been the same for a while though).
She earns more than I do (but not DH).

Lives in her student accommodation she’s had for a few years now (private rent) for which we’ve given her money throughout uni (not full amount as we have another DC at uni and one about to go).
DD seems to think because she hasn’t got a job in her chosen field we’ll still pay her money every month to cover rent/food etc. But she’s earning a f/t wage - more than me. We’d like to stop this money we give her.

Are we being unreasonable - when do you stop paying for your adult children? I could be going on for a long time as she isn’t pushing herself to get a job in her chosen field.

Advice please!

OddBoots Sat 31-Aug-19 18:35:42

You are no unreasonable in not paying for her but wasn't this discussed months ago? If it has only come up now I would give her notice that it stops in January which gives her a full term to get a job. You would be within your rights to stop now if you chose to though.

LemonBreeland Sat 31-Aug-19 18:39:48

It is fair to support her while a student. She is no longer a student, and frankly very entitled to think that you would continue paying anything for her.

HoobaHooba Sat 31-Aug-19 18:40:39

Embarrassingly we haven’t discussed it at all. DH didn’t transfer the money last month and she was on the phone reminding him the same day, saying ‘I haven’t got a proper job’.

We assumed it would be a given that after uni and into a job then they’d all stand on their own two feet. We were wrong and should have addressed it properly but thought our kids were reasonable.
No2 is having a gap year, again earning more than me and pre-empted this saying monthly money wasn’t needed and did we need rent?

I just wondered what was reasonable? We can afford it, but it would loosen things up a bit. Was interested in what others did.

bengalcat Sat 31-Aug-19 18:40:44

23 and still expecting mummy and daddy to sub her - not on - it wouldn’t be unreasonable to stop immediately however if you were being extremely kind you could give her say up to three months notice of zero input - there must surely be no shortage of jobs in her field temporary or permanent

wonderpants Sat 31-Aug-19 18:43:44

I supported my family of 4 whilst doing a pgce!
But I was 40!

Disfordarkchocolate Sat 31-Aug-19 18:44:03

I stopped a few weeks after graduation. I couldn't afford anything else. She needs to learn to budget.

dramaqueen Sat 31-Aug-19 18:44:39

Of course she's not got a proper job because you're still funding her. There's no incentive there for her and you're not doing her any favours in the long term. Just stop paying!

sunshinesupermum Sat 31-Aug-19 18:47:20

Sorry you need to talk to her and make sure she understands that now se is earning money (even if not in her 'chosen' field) that she has to self support. You aren't a money tree.

LoreleiRock Sat 31-Aug-19 18:49:56

I would cover my kids if they had to move back home (please no 😂) but I would not pay their rent/food if they were working. I think I would have started to reduce it gradually though straight after graduation.

DelphiniumBlue Sat 31-Aug-19 18:50:19

Can she earn enough to cover her rent? If not, what are her options? Do they include moving back to your house, which would be way cheaper? Would you even want that?
I hear that in some areas ( e.g. Newcastle area) it's really hard to find teaching jobs; it may not be that she's not trying hard enough.
However, you are not obliged to pay for her to play at being adult. Its one thing if she were to ask if you could possibly help out for a short amount of time, if you could easily afford it, and if she was in difficulties, but it sounds as if she's just assuming, that you can't really afford it, and that she could manage on her income.
But no-one can really advise without knowing the figures.
Just as an example, last year one of my sons was paying £ 450 rent pm including bills for a flatshare in a nice apartment, centrally located in a nice small city. If he had been earning £800 pm that would have been more than enough. If he had been earning £ 600 pm, I might have helped him out a bit. Or I might have suggested he upped his hours, maybe got a second job.
But you have 2 other DC needing support, and presumably your own life to live, so unless your DHs earnings are very high, it's probably time for to stand on her own 2 feet. And to have proper conversations with you rather than making assumptions.

ourkidmolly Sat 31-Aug-19 18:52:08

Where are you living that she can't find a teaching job? NI?

Chitarra Sat 31-Aug-19 18:52:22

YANBU to stop, but I think YABU to just not make the transfer one month. You should have phoned and discussed it properly!

AppleKatie Sat 31-Aug-19 18:53:59

I think the kind thing (and most likely to safeguard a future relationship) is to give her 3 months notice of it stopping. She can’t expect you to fund her forever!

ladyvimes Sat 31-Aug-19 19:01:17

I paid my own rent/bills from when I moved out and did my pgce onwards. I didn’t get a teaching job straight away and worked as a catering temp making minimum wage for months before doing intermittent supply. Would never have dreamed of asking my parents for money!

stucknoue Sat 31-Aug-19 19:03:32

Unless they are living at home I would expect them to support themes

Ravingstarfish Sat 31-Aug-19 19:05:31

In my family you get no pocket money and are expected to work and pay rent from 12 (weekend job £10 board) and expected to leave at 16.
Happy to say I’ll be breaking this tradition with ds!

HoobaHooba Sat 31-Aug-19 19:06:16

You’re all right - I think I just needed to hear that!
She’s picky about the year group she wants to work in and the type of school. Which is why jobs aren’t exactly forthcoming (and why I think she’s not trying hard enough).

She won’t move home and that’s fair enough. Yes we should have flagged this with her, I wish we had. We will give her three months ‘notice’. But I do think she’s quite entitled to assume the money would be there.

She worked a part time weekend job through uni as well as our contribution and minimum student loan so hasn’t struggled. She has had more disposable income than my salary would allow me for the last three years. But we wanted to support her. I don’t think this salary she’s on now will equal what she’s been getting over the past few years!

I hate feeling that we aren’t supporting her (I know this is irrational but it’s how she will make us feel!)

DrMadelineMaxwell Sat 31-Aug-19 19:06:29

Not everywhere is easy to find a teaching job. 10 of them were advertised in this County last term, to be chased by NQTs or anyone else wanting to get a job in the area. And only another 15 or so in the next County over. Lots of mnet people who live in larger cities assume that there are lots of teaching jobs as the lack of ability to retain teachers is well covered. It took me 2 terms of supply teaching to land a job.

Supply is what your DD should be aiming to do, to build up experience to help her in teaching interviews. Preferably with a job to earn her some money in the meantime. I stacked shelves at a Tesco at the weekend while doing any supply I could get in the weekdays.

If she's finished uni and can't afford to stay where she is, the usual thing is to come home isn't it? It's certainly what all my friends who didn't have jobs to fund their chosen flats did.

c3pu Sat 31-Aug-19 19:10:56

Fuck me, I lived independently when I was 20 working as an apprentice on £12k a year!

FluffyHippo Sat 31-Aug-19 19:25:06

Over the past thirty-odd years, I've had a variety of teaching jobs. For the first ten years or so, I assumed that I'd have to relocate to get the job I wanted if it wasn't local. Building my career was the most important thing at that time.

I've noticed this a lot with recent graduates - they either go home to Mummy and Daddy to live off them or stay around where they studies on minimum-wage jobs, rather than move around the country.

MummytoCSJH Sat 31-Aug-19 19:33:01

That's a joke, and she's very rude, I do hope you follow through and stop paying!

KUGA Sat 31-Aug-19 19:33:14

About time she grew up and stood on her own two feet .
The more you give the more she will take.
Who needs a job when you have the bank of mom and dad.

Frangipane Sat 31-Aug-19 19:39:58

I have a 23 year old dc who graduated last year and has been unemployed for a year. He lives with us and we pay for his food and any other (extremely minimal) costs, but the minute he gets any sort of work, and it looks like it will be minimum wage stuff if anything at all in the foreseeable future, he will start paying a bit towards his keep.

Your dd is having a laugh. Firstly, in not finding a teaching position, and secondly in expecting you to pay for her accommodation when it is her choice to incur that cost and she is earning at least some money.

CarolineKate Sat 31-Aug-19 20:43:20

Ermmm I think you were very reasonable to send her any money in the first place and she is being very unsreasobale to expect anything now! I had a job during uni to help pay things. Certainly wouldn't expect help now I'm out of uni!

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