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Revelation about DD's boyfriend's father

(7 Posts)
birdseatworms Sun 25-Aug-19 18:44:30

No idea where to post this so I'll start here. So as not to drip feed, we are in the US. I am American, lived in the UK for 20 years, married to a Brit, 18 year-old DD born and raised in the UK until we moved back to the US 3 years ago. All 3 of us were on board with the move.

DD has had mental health issues, depression, anxiety, ADHD. She's taken 2 overdoses and was also hospitalized for 2 weeks because she had thoughts of harming herself. She is currently on a few meds, in counselling and her counsellor thinks she may be bi-polar. None of this may be relevant, but just want to put all that out there.

She has a newish boyfriend, 22 years old, very, very nice guy. They are talking of moving in together, no pressure for sex from him. He wants to spend time with DH and I and we think very much of him. He and DD seem very happy together and they share the same values and are both hard working. I have a good feeling in my gut about this relationship. He knows about DD's mental health problems and is fully on board and supportive of her well-being.

Last night her boyfriend revealed that his dad was charged with Third Degree Sexual Exploitation of a Minor 20 years ago. I've done some research and I think it means possession of child pornography. He spent a year in prison and rehab.

DD is really freaked out by it. Boyfriends parents live about 800 miles away, and she met them a few weeks ago when they were here visiting. She said she would never have guessed and he seemed like a really nice man.

She stayed at her boyfriend's this weekend but is coming home later today and said she needs to talk this through with us. DH and I have been discussing this together ahead of time.

I'm not really asking what we should do, just what others thoughts are. Our first reaction is the boyfriend is not who his dad is, this happened when the internet was relatively new and people had easy access to things they didn't previously. DD's initial thoughts are if they had children, she wouldn't want them around boyfriend's father; she wouldn't want to take his name if they married; and what if boyfriend turns out like his dad. Her first point I fully accept. I don't think I'd want my children around their grandfather unsupervised. The not taking his surname thing, I'm not quite sure how I feel, but many women don't take their husband's surname these days (although here in the US most still do). And while you can never really know what someone is truly like, I feel in my gut that boyfriend does not have his dad's child porn "issue" for lack of a better word.

DD and boyfriend are both looking for a relationship, not a fling. DD has had some very negative experiences with guys in her young life and boyfriend seems like a different sort, very caring, responsible, hard working. DD overthinks things and she knows she does (but this issue absolutely needs thinking about). People tend to marry much younger in midwest America and if they can get past this I would not be at all surprised if they married in a couple of years.

Apologies for rambling or if I've given too much information. I just wonder if anybody has any thoughts they would like to share?

Azeema Mon 26-Aug-19 08:46:20

Does not matter what his dad did, boyfriend should be judged on own merits. Too, they are 800 miles away. Not likely to see them much and they would always be with any children at same time. No need to panic, just don’t leave children alone with him.
Criminality is not inherited but behaviour. So there is no extra risk boyfriend might turn out like his dad than any other man. Might even be less risk. My DH grandmother sexually abused him, and he did not “inherit” an “abuse gene” from her. Instead he went into social work to protect children and is exact opposite from her.
Name when marry does not matter. Every family has criminals in it. Even yours for you go back far enough. So trying to have surname that has never been in prison pretty silly. Not saying take his name, just that this should not be factor in decision.

birdseatworms Mon 26-Aug-19 15:20:23

Thank you for your reply Azeema. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH. I agree with everything you have said. That's how I felt, but wasn't sure if my judgment was clouded because I really like her boyfriend. We had a good talk about it when she got home and she did some googling and watched some documentaries and is feeling better. I believe the topic came up because he has not tried to push her for sex and she told him he's not like other guys she's dated and asked why he is like that (she's not unhappy about this) and he said he needed to tell her something about his family to explain.

As for your comment about us all having criminals in our family, we do - I have 2 cousins in prison!

I appreciate your thoughts. I'm not sure what I was asking in my post, but really just needed to talk about it anonymously rather than revealing this to my friends or family who know him. I don't feel that's fair.

Wehttam Wed 28-Aug-19 09:59:13

Whilst I completely agree with Azeema I feel there is slightly more to this story than he has revealed especially if it has affected his sex drive or at least ideas around sex.

perdigal Tue 03-Sep-19 20:40:57

Couple Of concerns:

You seem charmed by this boyfriend- and by what you write he is a bit obsessed with his girlfriends parents and you and your DH liking him. Is there a chance he is manipulating?

Secondly he actually give the reason for his lack of asking for sex based on this family revelation- that's a bit odd? He's tying the two things together - why is that ?

Thirdly yes he is his own person but if your DD marries him she will need to ensure that the father of her child is 100% on board about not leaving him
With the grandfather, that would be potentially catastrophic if his view differs.

Your daughter would risk he child being taken away if she were to leave child with a known paedophile. I know someone this happened to In the UK (ok US might not work the same way) but basically not protecting child.

Personally I'd steer clear, massive future complications, something sounds off

perdigal Wed 04-Sep-19 23:32:45

@birdseatworms

Lowbrow Thu 05-Sep-19 00:07:47

OP your DD is only 18, she is young and should be still enjoying her teenage years. All this talk of moving in together and marriage is too soon. What’s the rush?

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