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Am I being unreasonable with my pregnant daughter?(27 Posts)
Hi everyone, this is my first posting and I apologize if it's long winded it here goes.
My daughter is 23, and generally funny and full of giggles and I love her so much but right now I'm scared of losing her because she's pregnant and her boyfriends "mam" ( not his real mother, she got him after her sister passed away) and before you ask, yes I do admire her for doing that but I don't a admire her for the way she treats people including my daughter's boyfriend, my daughter, myself and the rest of my family.
Yes, she's had a mental breakdown, she's extremely controlling and she feels she is the boss and takes over everything and everyone.
A little back story is her "daughter" is nearly 30, had a baby 2 years ago, currently has nothing to do with her child, stays in her room all day everyday watching Netflix and eating McDonald's and this is because when the baby was born "mam" took over and we now have a very confused 2 year old and an extremely depressed 30 year old.
My daughter has been dating her boyfriend and because of pressure from "mam" they are now pregnant - I should say at this point I'm excited about becoming a grandmother and don't have any problems with her being pregnant and living at home - I work and can support her and the baby.
"Mam" won't let them get a place together as she thinks her son is irresponsible (she won't even let him control his own finances) and yes I hear you screaming RED FLAG! THE FLAG! RED FLAG!
This "mam" is now taking over, booking appointments, telling my daughter what she can and can't do being pregnant, making arrangements without consulting or consideration to us or anyone else and the icing on the cake is that when my daughter and baby come home she has informed us that she will just walk in our house and take the baby! On hearing this my partner went ballistic and is now changing the lock on the door so it will be permanently locked.
This situation has upset myself, my other daughter and my partner all in the space of about 10 days of her finding out about the pregnancy!
If this is what's happened in 10 days, imagine what the next 8 months and beyond are going to be like!
I also understand when you all start shouting "so tell daughter it's your house, your rules and if she don't like it tell her to move out" but I'm her mother. This will be my first grandchild and I don't want to loose them - yes I'm scared! so please, any advice would be grateful
Thank you for bearing with me while I rant, maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know?
FIRST: I don't usually advise this, but invite the BF to come and live in your house with your daughter. You will have a chance to help them make some decisions on their own.
SECOND: If this is not possible, then urge your daughter NOT TO PUT HIS NAME on the birth certificate. This will give her legal rights and deny them to the Mam.
THIRD possibility: Send your daughter to live with relatives far, far away until the baby is born. Do not give BF or Mam her location.
What does your daughter want?
Yikes. 'Mam' sounds like a nightmare.
As above - tell your DD that boyfriend can move in with you. That way they can be away from her influence.
What, if anything, has your daughter said about this woman? Is she really aware of how much control she exerts over her BF & how much she's now looking to control her too? How long have they been together & how old is BF?
It's very early days so you've time to (subtly) influence your DD & her BF away from so much interference in their lives - nice little chats about all she, he & you can look forward to once the baby's here, what names they have in mind, what kind of pram they think best etc etc. Anything & everything to reinforce that they are the parents & these decisions are theirs alone to make.
Could you look at suggesting he moves into your home? Once he's there the way may be paved to help him take control of his own finances etc. Living cheek by jowl with a family with no toxic control freak in charge might be enough of an eye opener for him to find the strength to step up & become a partner/father rather than a little boy for the rest of his life.
Playing it by ear & drawing the BF further into your DD's life instead of her being hijacked into "mam's" dysfunctional one can only be good.
What does your daughter think to the whole situation? Does she realise it's totally unhealthy?
I would be just as worried as you, the woman sounds bonkers, I would do as the PP suggested and invite BF to stay with you, his mam can't stop him, and she can't stop him getting his own place either, he's going to be a dad now and needs to grow some balls and act like the adult he is.
As for your daughter, explain if she doesn't nip it in the bud now, she will end up in the same situation as BFs sister, she needs to take back control over her pregnancy and all appointments.
So to make mam happy , your DD got pregnant? The whole set up sounds odd. I'd get your daughter and her child as far away from mam as possible.
I think I would also look at getting a non molestation order against "mam" she sounds controlling and abusive
So is this the BFs Aunt in fact? She doesn’t have any rights to the baby whether F name on birth certificate or not. Be encouraging to your daughter to stand on her own feet and make decisions for herself, talk to her as Pp said about how she wants to raise the baby and her preferences for birth, using things etc.. help her to see she is in charge and it is ok to stand up to the ‘mam’ and the ‘mam’ does not have any power over her or the baby.
The whole thing sounds like a horror movie.
MAM: Coming to a maternity ward near you.
Sounds like this horror movie
Suggest that boyfriend moves in with you, make the necessary adjustments. Encourage them then (I assume they are low income on age grounds) to at least register for housing, they probably won't qualify for ages but it gets them into the system. Once they are under your roof you can influence them both more, and assess if the boyfriend is as hopeless as mam presumes (he may be). Sometimes things aren't what they seem, perhaps the sister has pnd in the first place but I do recommend keeping your door locked (we learnt the hard way when I guy came in and I'm sure if it weren't for my collie would have made off with my bag even car keys, collie has a rather nasty snarl, you can see the wolf ancestry! (but huge softy for non burglars)
Move your dd as far away from mam asap.
What a nightmare.
MAM: Coming to a maternity ward near you.
MAM: Coming to a maternity ward near you
Anyone else picturing Mam as the criminal Mother in 'The Goonies'?
whats your pregnant daughter thinking/saying about all this?
Watch your back, OP
i'd put mam under the patio with a stake through the heart - just in case !
Your need to tell your daughter that if she wants to be a mother, she has to be strong. She has to be in charge. She is in control of her own life and for the time being, her Child.
Firstly thank you so much for the "goonies mam" and "coming to a maternity ward near you" - myself, DD1 and partner haven't laughed this much in ages and reading the other comments it helped give us all a bit of clarity!
What I should add is that DD2 & BF don't have a lot of confidence ( mam has seen to this) and there have been a few times when I have had to say something and believe me, mam wasn't happy with me and this has lead to comments of "if I don't like someone I will smash their face in"
Oh please don't worry - I had an alcoholic, abusive mother who did this every night and I would happily take the beating and then have her prosecuted.
Done, dusted and finished!
But I don't want this! Why should things come to this?
Having said that BF stays here every other weekend and all of us as a family have seen BF grow and mature and it's heartbreaking to see her squash it out of him every time he goes back home.
I think our best course of action is to keep encouraging them both to grow more and give lots of love and support. We will also be having a long conversation with DD2 when she returns because deep down she knows something isn't right but she was never one to discuss things and now she needs to grow up and be a mum herself.
I don't know if BF would move in but he is always welcome but he has 2 untrained terrier type dogs (not in my house thank you very much!) But they would get dumped here too
I will keep you updated as the situation unravels, which it will
One day we might get it easy - that would be nice
Mam certainly needs to be taken down a peg or 2. Your dd organises her own appointments for a start. She does not turn up for any that mam arranges. She should really stay as far away from mam as possible from now on as mam sounds completely unhinged. You all need to stand up to her and encourage dd to do so too.
The dogs could be a problem but, if finances allow it, if he moves in with you could you get the dogs into a training/obedience class that he & DD2 take them to together? With a baby on the way they don't want to risk unpredictable dogs on the scene.
Although come to think of it if the dogs stay at "mam's" it's a perfect excuse for them never ever to go there with the baby. It could be win-win there.
Did the demented one ever have children of her own? Whenever the opportunity arises impress on DD2 & BF that "special bond" they'll have with their baby that no-one else can ever have, but that you & DH understand because, well, you're actual parents yourselves. Make sure DH has lots of heartwarming stories (these may of necessity have to be semi-fictional because let's face it it's not all a bed of roses) about his own emotions on impending fatherhood, waxes lyrical about dad stuff etc.
BF sounds like he would blossom if given half a chance, so I hope he gets that chance.
What a situation!
I think it's really important to listen to your daughter and BF and support them in asserting themselves as parents and let their confidence grow. The danger is they become more disempowered if this becomes a power struggle between her and you.
Share Mumsnet with her, with a "MIL" like that she's going to need us! I found being in a Mumsnet antenatal group really helpful and real life support from other mums to be.
Listen to your daughter and hear what her concerns and hopes are for her family.