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My 19 year old daughters boyfriends mum does not like my daughter

(38 Posts)
hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 07:13:44

My daughter is 19 years old has a boyfriend who she loves and he loves her, they seem to be serious. They met a university. She quiet, studies hard, works and in her first relationship. He is the complete opposite, they have a good relationship. My daughter has met his mother for the second time when she went to stay at his house. The family are very loud and like to show off about holidays and what they have. My daughter has been brought up the complete opposite to be understated and humble. The mother has been picking holes in my daughter telling the son, she finds my daughter not very sociable because she is quiet, saying how there is a barrier between them, her and my daughter. The mother complained about every little thing that my daughter did.My daughter said she the mother hardly spoke to her did not really show any interest in her and did not make her feel welcome. Not like I did when I met her boyfriend. My daughter got told all this by her boyfriend and now my daughter does not like his mum, feels very nervous around her. I will be seeing the parents tomorrow when I collect my daughters belongings from university. How am I going to act in front of the mum, when I feel like i really just want to say how dare you! She is so upset, how is her relationship really going to last?

Vasya Sat 10-Aug-19 07:19:30

Your daughter's boyfriend is either very stupid or not very nice, to have told your daughter those things.

You should just behave normally tomorrow when you meet them. It's for your daughter to decide whether she wants to continue with the relationship or not. All you can do is support her whatever she chooses.

It may be that the truth to this story is a little different to what you've been told anyway - you're hearing it third hand. There may have been exaggerations or misunderstandings. It's therefore possible that it will all resolve itself without drama in time.

Teacakeandalatte Sat 10-Aug-19 07:22:51

Its not your problem to solve, just be polite to the parents if you meet them. Be supportive to dd but let her sort this out herself. Tell her you like the bf but support her whatever happens with the relationship.

Mintjulia Sat 10-Aug-19 07:31:09

Be calm, cheerful and polite. Anything else will not be helpful, no matter how tempting.

hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 07:31:58

True I thought it was strange that he told her, in fact the mother said to her son, well i am only being honest! my daughter is not very confident as it is. I am not going to say anything to the mum tomorrow but there will be an awkwardness between us. I could say a lot of things that I dont like about her son, but have not said a word. My daughter loves him and I dont feel that i should interfere.

AuntieStella Sat 10-Aug-19 07:41:30

Stop making comparisons between your household and theirs.

Agree that you are reacting to hearsay, at quite a distance from what actually happened. All you can do is support your DD. Has there been any change in her opinion of, and feelings towards, her BF now that she has met his family?

And of course you conduct yourself as if you had not heard anything at all,about his family. But that's what would cime naturally, isn't it, from the way you describe your norms

RonnieScotts Sat 10-Aug-19 07:41:30

Agree, you should be friendly and charming, be a mature adult about it. Absolutely nothing will be gained from acting rude or awkward, except to prove to this family that you and your daughter are indeed socially awkward.

I really think you should stay out of their relationship (although I doubt the other mother will) only support your DD but make. Make comments about her BF or his family.

I could say a lot of things that I dont like about her son

^comments like that are very unhelpful and bitter / really just rise above it all. To be perfectly honest it doesn't sound like the relationship will last anyway.

RonnieScotts Sat 10-Aug-19 07:42:15

*but make no comments

hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 07:50:19

of course, i am not going to say or act differently towards the family when i meet with them. I believe no one will be good enough for her son. My daughter is really upset and thats what is concerning me, she is texting me and saying how is she meant to act in front of this woman when she knows that she does not like her. I have told her to be polite and be herself. She has the problem not you.

hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 07:52:23

my daughter loves this boy and he says he loves her. My daughter feels that the mother will change his feelings towards my daughter with her nasty comments.

Teacakeandalatte Sat 10-Aug-19 08:02:22

If I were your dd I'd just avoid seeing the bf family for now. Find out what time they are coming and leave earlier or later, with some excuse.

LizziesTwin Sat 10-Aug-19 08:02:48

She’s 19, if he starts acting like a jerk she needs to split up with him. In fact he’s already behaving poorly and the chances are they’ve been dating less than a year. Time for her to move on.

theendoftheendoftheend Sat 10-Aug-19 08:06:16

As pp said BF is either very naive or not very nice to have told her all those things.
Partner's who tell their OH that friends/family don't like them for x, y, z reason are a bit of a red flag actually and what they say isn't always very accurate.

Soontobe60 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:12:26

I already don't like this boy. Your DD should just tell him to get lost! There is absolutely no need for him to have said that to her. It sound s like it could be controlling behaviour, trying to get your DD to be more like him in front of his family. 'My family don't think you're good enough so neither do I ' kind of scenario.
Keep your eye on him, OP.

hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:23:50

I know, totally dont understand why he has told her. She is now currently at his family home staying over.My daugter feels this has really knocked her confidence. She has a minor word dyslexia problem and she says that this has brought it out even more. So is making her feel really anxious to even speak. Seriously what is wrong with people why do they feel the need to put other people down. She loves him and does not feel that him telling her is in anyway his problem.

Barbarafromblackpool Sat 10-Aug-19 08:26:28

I went out with someone at 19 who I'm pretty sure didn't like me and couldn't hide it. Tbh, it put me off him a bit and agree with a pp that it probably won't last (we're no longer together). It made me realise that young women can get a hard time from older women sometimes, there's an easy temptation to judge and pick holes in their behaviour and I've resolved to not be like that.

Teacakeandalatte Sat 10-Aug-19 08:29:12

If she is not happy staying at his family home tell her to say you called her with an emergency reason to go home and she needs to go right away. No need to stay there if she is not happy.

NaturalBornWoman Sat 10-Aug-19 08:30:17

She's 19. Hopefully she'll have lots of boyfriends before she settles down and there will probably be a fair few upsets along the way. It's odd that you're so invested.

growlingbear Sat 10-Aug-19 08:30:33

You've never net them, so don't judge them in advance. When you do meet them, be polite and cheerful. But there's no need to spend much time at all with them. Just collect her, say hi and bye and go on your way.

AChickenCalledDaal Sat 10-Aug-19 08:33:30

Go and meet them. Be polite but observant. See what you think of the family dynamics and then take it from there.

For what it's worth, my mother didn't warm to my husband when we started going out. But she grew to like him very much. We've been married 25 years now, so I'm glad I didn't pay much attention to her initial reaction.

On the other hand, there are plenty of stories in here about toxic in-law relationships, so it's reasonable to be concerned how things will evolve.

OtraCosaMariposa Sat 10-Aug-19 08:33:57

Do you really see a long term future in this relationship where the mother us so antagonistic? And more importantly, does your daughter? Bad enough that the mother is apparently awful. But a decent boyfriend would have told his mother to keep her opinions to herself, and definitely not have passed them on to your daughter.

hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:40:01

I am invested, as she is my daughter and she is upset. I don't feel the need to meet them and will try and avoid this tomorrow.

Medievalist Sat 10-Aug-19 08:40:04

* a decent boyfriend would have told his mother to keep her opinions to herself, and definitely not have passed them on to your daughter.*

^^ This

Aria2015 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:41:29

I had my first serious boyfriend from 16 to 21 and his mother was the same with me to start with. She was very possessive of her sons and I think it was the whole ’no one is good enough for my little boy’ syndrome. After being together a while she warmed to me more and we had chance over the years to chat a bit more and it did get better when she realised I was sticking around. Plus I was always polite and friendly so after a while his dad and brother would jump to my defence if she ever said anything unpleasant about me.

So my advice would be to kill her with kindness. Definitely don't say anything. If you’re chatty and friendly then any gripes she has will just stand out as unreasonable.

I would also try and encourage your daughter to do the same. It's natural that she feels like she dislikes her but she shouldn't write of a relationship with her at this early stage. Although I struggled initially, as I got to know my boyfriends min I discovered that she actually has quite a sad and lonely life so I think that's why she wanted to cling so much to her son. What I'm saying is, if she likes him then as disappointing as this initial meeting has been, she should stay open to things improving one she's got to know her more.

hon12 Sat 10-Aug-19 08:45:42

They love each other and he says she is the "one" and they are making long term plans. The boyfriend is upset by his mothers comments. He told my daughter apparently because he wanted to be honest with her as she asked him what does your mum think of me. I dont like to interfere and am keeping out of it, i just wanted to know what you guys think.

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