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Adult son at home - feel like a mug

(29 Posts)
totaleclipse84 Mon 29-Jul-19 18:59:54

My 22 year old son is intelligent, kind and attractive. He dropped out of uni and now does a bit of acting - but the jobs are generally at the other end of the country so getting to them costs him as much as he earns. He lives with me and contributes nothing to the household income. He has done nothing to find other employment. He has no friends locally and a very limited social life overall. He seems to regard himself as “above” working in coffee shops etc. I have no idea what he does all day - I think it’s mostly sitting in his room on the internet. I’ve tried pretty much every technique (supporting/nagging/ignoring) to try and get him to buck up. The only thing I haven’t tried is some kind of “tough love” approach ie ultimatum of getting a job or he leaves. The truth is I would find it very hard to kick him out. He’s a good lad but has utterly lost his way. I’m worried we’re going to end up in some awful Ronnie Corbett “Mum” set up ...he has told me he has some depressed feelings and anxiety and it’s not that I don’t believe him - but with his layabout lifestyle I’m not surprised he’s down. And also don’t see why him feeling a bit miserable legitimises him sponging off me, his 50 year old single mum. Anyway - as you can tell I swing between anger/despair/disinterest in the emptiness and lack of direction of his life and would appreciate some advice...

EyesOpenWide Mon 29-Jul-19 22:38:58

He can not work because you facilitate it and won’t follow through with any ultimatum. That’s how.

RosaWaiting Tue 30-Jul-19 10:52:13

Hotterthanahotthing has made a great list of advice IMHO.

I've had depression and anxiety for 20 years. Some days I thought I was going to pass out from panic on the Tube en route to work. But I had to pay rent so...

I admit, I did once have a bit of a breakdown and thought about living with my parents, took the Friday off and was back at work on the Monday, then got an increase in my medication. A few people commented I didn't look right but it was okay in the end.

I'm not saying everyone is the same but I can't help wondering if he is using illness as a excuse - he's not seen a doctor? And feeling "above" certain jobs? That's ridiculous.

jennymanara Tue 30-Jul-19 18:16:02

His lifestyle would make anyone depressed. You are at risk of his depression getting worse if this continues.
You are also allowing him to behave like this. Part of good parenting is not supporting them to do things that are ultimately harmful to them.

totaleclipse84 Wed 31-Jul-19 20:49:24

Thanks all for your wise words x

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