Prob with 22yo son feel like a rubbish parent

[Writercat]

Hi, I feel like a crap mother right now. Son got sacked from his job of six months for being late constantly. Now he back to lying in bed all day and either gaming or watching gaming. We've been down this road before. I want him to get up and do something, anything! So today I confiscated the router. Now we're at a standoff. I won't give the router back until he does something and he says he won't do anything until he gets the router back. He has internet on his phone but says that's no good. He's upset and won't get out of bed. I feel awful and scared. His father has talked to him but we not getting very far. Son says he's applied for loads of jobs but my issue is that while he's not working he could be doing something around the house or he could learn something. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

[mcmen71]

There is another good thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health

[Writercat]

Thanks for this but he's not a teenager.

[Sofasurfingsally]

The thing is, he isn't paying for the router. Keep it away from him until he gets himself sorted. And dont give in. He is an adult now.

[Usingmyindoorvoice]

I’m guessing his confidence will have taken a knock if he got the sack, even if he did ‘deserve’ it.
Would you be able to nudge him into something like this?
www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people/get-job/boost-your-confidence

[Knitclubchatter]

stay strong. he's 22 but acting like a 12 yr old.
no job means his new job is finding a job. up at 0800 researching then helping around the house while he waits for e-mails etc.

[NeverSayFreelance]

I could be completely wrong here, so I apologise, but is he okay mental health wise? Sometimes telling the difference between laziness and depression is difficult.

If he is just lazy, then you are right. Playing games all day is a bad habit to get stuck in. But I would check up on him in case he is struggling especially after being sacked.

Good luck OP

[Maniak]

I wonder if you could come to some agreement about when he could have the internet? Like, after 4 pm or whatever. If he could agree in advance and if he had his own goals then it would seem like support and not punishment?
My sons are still young so I don't know, but I think we have to keep on having high expectations for them (?)

[Maniak]

The internet is very compelling. I should probably get off it and go do something. Thanks op. You sound like a brilliant mum who cares by the way.

[Writercat]

Thanks for your replies.
I will find out if the Prince's Trust is in Wales - not sure he'll go to see them though. He rejects anything I suggest.
I would like to come to an agreement about the internet and I've tried to in the past but he won't talk about it and gets angry.

He's been in bed now for twenty-six hours. His dad took him a cup of coffee and he threw it out of the window.

[Trickyteens]

How are things now OP?

[Writercat]

Hi Trickyteens, virtually back to normal. Thanks for asking. It was awful and it didn't achieve anything. I was in such a panicked mess that I got my husband home from work early. DS had barracaded his bedroom door. His dad got in there and talked to him and the upshot was DS was basically not drink until he got the internet back. He knew you could die that way. So we gave in because it was too risky and painful not to. The next day I felt as if I'd gone three rounds in a ring but...DS was okay and phoned up about some jobs and got an interview tomorrow. So fingers crossed :)

[Knitclubchatter]

well somewhat encouraging i guess.
i've had 3 go through that age and stage but honestly none or any friends behaved like this; barricaded in their room, refusing to drink, refusing to get out of bed.
op does he have identified special needs? these are not the normal behavior of 22 year old young men and women? do you have other children to compare him to?

[justasking111]

He got sacked because of his timekeeping, not your fault. The not drinking I would have held out longer he could have been putting his head under the bathroom tap. He has had a lot of time to think lying in bed bored, so perhaps it may have helped. Young men are late maturing sometimes.

[thinkimtrying]

really hope things are better. we are struggling with our 2 adult children we love them to bits and it really hurts but we've given them a month's notice to move out😢

[CandyFlossSkies]

From what you've written, it sounds like your son sees all these things as something that helps you, not him. He doesn't seem to be interested in doing these things to help himself. Also, I think he needs counselling maybe. If his self esteem isn't good, then he won't want to go for rounds and rounds of interviews. It's important that he doesn't go spirallingdown into depression, which he might. His form of medication right now is escapism, but just because it isn't substance abuse doesn't mean it's healthy.

[user1483387154]

this is not normal behaviour. he needs some counselling or something. threatening to not drink until he gets the internet is extreme.

[Writercat]

Thought I'd post an update. Son talked to me about his anxiety and went to the doctor. He was given antidepressants and though he was sceptical he took them. Now he's like a different boy. He even admitted he felt better. I take nothing for granted though! As far as jobs go, he hasnt jumped that hurdle - yet. Thanks for your responses.