I have a 26 year old son who lives at home. He will be 27 very soon. He has a diagnosis of Aspergers which he received at age 18. There were signs that something wasn't right going back to when he was a child, although no one involved with DS at the time (teachers at school, etc) seemed to suspect autism or Aspergers as a possibility. I didn't know what Aspergers was at the time and I don't think there was as much awareness of it compared to now. I will try to describe what DS' current state of mind seems to be and what his daily routine is. He has a number of issues relating to social interaction, and some sensory issues which are centered around sensitivity to smells and bright lights. He has to have the blinds or curtains closed when he's in a room and gets agitated by what most people would consider to be normal household smells. He very rarely leaves the house and will not go anywhere on his own without having someone with him. He rarely goes out except to attend medical appointments.
He doesn’t work and has never actually had a job. He is usually up all night playing games and sleeps during the day. He has paid lip service to the idea of finding a job, but does not seem to have any plan regarding entering the world of work. I can't force anyone to give him a job, but he's shown no ability to get one of his own volition. He has GCSEs but no specific work-related qualifications or experience. He also has no friends or acquaintances, and has virtually no interaction with anyone except me for months at a time. People in the family have essentially forgot that DS exists. No one ever asks about him or what he’s doing. They stopped asking a while ago. He does not get invited to social events like weddings and parties. He has also never had a girlfriend. I can’t imagine any woman giving him the time of day because of the way he is. I unfortunately have no other children and I have reluctantly accepted that I will never have any grandchildren. He also comes across as being socially awkward and clumsy when he talks to people, and has a poor understanding of the unwritten rules of social interaction, which come naturally to most people. If he somehow obtained a job that requires teamwork and communication with the people you're working alongside, as a lot of jobs do, I honestly think he would end up getting sacked or quitting on the first day. It wouldn't surprise me at all.
On a practical level, it's difficult having two adults in a house where only one is earning any money. He doesn't claim any benefits and has no other income sources, so I'm having to prop him up financially. I have not been able to have a holiday for over 10 years as I don't think DS would cope at home on his own for a prolonged period. He can do the bare basics like getting washed and dressed and preparing food for himself, but if there is a problem that he can't sort out himself, then he will just capitulate. When events happen unexpectedly or there is a sudden change of plans, which most people just take in their stride and deal with, DS can't manage. That's been an issue since was younger. If there was a problem with something in the house - for example if the fridge or the boiler wasn't working, or there was a power cut - he would just be a headless chicken and wouldn't be able to cope. I have tried to convince myself that it could be worse and that I should just accept the situation for what it is. I tell myself that if he was going out getting into trouble with police, doing drugs etc, maybe it would be worse. That doesn't make everything fine and dandy though. I know the situation isn't acceptable or right.
The situation has been ongoing for several years now. I don't want to throw him out but I am finding the situation increasingly difficult to maintain. I'm having to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. What would other people do?
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Adult son living at home with no job or life prospects. Am I a fool for allowing the situation to continue?
24 replies
Sonwithnoprospects · 04/07/2019 11:00
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