Help! Divorced Daughter in My Home

[Smith888]

My divorced daughter is in her late forties. She is living in my spare room with her son. I have chronic illness and finding it very stressful. I am supposed to try new medication that requires staying as calm as possible and have been putting it off. Without going into detail she has been mentally abusive in the past, which was worse when she was married She has a new man who is homeless (illegally living in a stable on land she bought in his name). They are waiting for planning permission which has been rejected twice but are persevering - their argument is the council is in the wrong and biases. I have been told she may be at my home indefinitely because buying an apartment or renting is "not an option". She does not contribute to bills and I am having to pay the extra because "that's what parents do." My husband does whatever she wants to keep the peace.

My biggest concern right now is I opened a bill by mistake and she owes £400 in electricity as she has not paid the bills at her last rental. She does have savings but will not use them as she needs them to build a house. I have not opened other mail.

Of course I love my daughter very much but she has never been good with money and while her boyfriend is nice enough he is a bit of a wheeler dealer. I don't trust him or the decisions they are making. She is making bad decisions and been very cruel in the past. It is hard to forget that.

My other daughter wants me to come and live with her and I am now scared that all these unpaid bills may blacklist my address and make it hard for me to sell?

Any advice very welcome!

[LilyMumsnet]

Hi OP,

We're just giving this one a bump for you. Let us know if you'd like us to move it to somewhere with a bit more traffic (just report it to us asking for a thread move).

[musicposy]

I think you have to kick her out, tough though that is. Renting is only "not an option" because you're allowing it to be so. I'm in a very similar situation to you, though with a younger but still adult daughter. She has an irresponsible boyfriend living with us and is gradually accruing debt collectors etc. Like you, the upset is affecting my health.

It's hard because you always love them at the end of the day but I'm starting to realise I need to be cruel to be kind. Your daughter will never get her act together when you're there to pick up the pieces.

Definitely do not move out of your own home; that would just compound your problems as who know what would happen to it in your absence. Give her a month's notice to leave. You'll be doing the kindest thing for all of you.

[TheRedBarrows]

How old is her son?

This is very difficult because you need your husband to be fully on side. Have you told him how stressed you feel and what harm this is doing?

[happystory]

She doesn't sound very loving to you, or grateful for you helping her out. If she is late 40s I assume you are in your late 60s, and it's terrible that this is making your own health worse. Agree that you and your husband need to present a united front. I know how difficult it is, we have a family member like this. I think although it's against your nature, but you need to be tough and set a deadline for her moving out. Is your dgs a child?

[buckeejit]

Ugh. Get her to buy a caravan & put it on the land & live there? Tell her your dgs can stay if that's an option?

You need to be tough as she is not willing to pay what she owes. Very foolish not to pay her bills when she has money. Does she work?

[Smith888]

Sorry I have not checked back for awhile. I am in my late 70s. I now have anemia and am pre diabetic and other health problems so I feel very drained. I very much need my home to myself. My dgs is 8. I worry about the strain on him. My other DD is renting a storage room so as I start to clear my things out (I plan to eventually sell my home and downsize or move in with her) we are hoping she will get the hint. I’m just furious as DD has bought a horse, ducks, chickens, and many other things with this “money she doesn’t have” and still no planning permission. I’ve made it clear she must be out at the end of the year...

[barryfromclareisfit]

If you move out, you’ll never get the daughter out. She needs to be out first. She’ll have your house.