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Another Boyfriend staying over thread

(25 Posts)
KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 07:15:39

20 year old dd lives at home, still studying. Going away to uni in September.
She has been going out with her first boyfriend for 6 months and he lives about 2 miles away, He is also a student. They are very close and loved up.
She often stays at his house and he at ours. However DH hates him staying at ours for several 'reasons' and the atmosphere can be awful when bf is here, although bf doesnt know why!!
Anyway DH has now decreed that he doesnt want bf to stay at ours because:
He (dh):
needs his privacy
Doesn't see why they need to stay at each other's houses
Bf costs money to feed
Doesn't like them being intimate under HIS roof
Feels awkward at bf walking around the house in dds dressing gown/night wear. (He accidentally copped an eyeful recently)grin
Personally I love to see her so happy and he seems to be good for her. He is respectful and helpful and I just don't see the problem. I have said I will talk to them; really to save DH from hurting their feelings. But I think it's wrong as it is her home too. This will just drive her away. I'm so sad

HJWT Mon 08-Apr-19 07:34:45

@KelpianCasserole he should not be walking round your house without being fully clothed that is so disrespectful and even though she is 20 they shouldn't be having sex with her parents in the house...
Other than those 2 things your DH needs to get over himself as long as its not more than once a week or fortnight x

KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 07:51:59

Thanks for that HJWT. The wardrobe malfunction was an accident! But ok I take your point about clothing. Regarding your other point though, anything they do in the bedroom we don't hear or know about.

Sarahjconnor Mon 08-Apr-19 07:59:08

I'd encourage you DH to have a rethink. If you tell DD that she cant have her BF stay, if you make a big deal of her having a sexual relationship 'under your roof', you are effective telling her that your home is not her home and that you do not respect her relationship. PIL did this to us and we never stayed there again, so they've never had their grand children stay etc. I found it humiliating to be treated like that and won't subject myself to it again.

KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 08:02:30

Thankyou Sarah thats how I feel

zippey Mon 08-Apr-19 08:03:27

Can DH walk around naked or in Speedos around the house. The bf might have a rethink on staying over withought any awkward conversations being held.

Worst case scenario is that household becomes a bit naturist, but this probably won’t happen.

Letthemysterybe Mon 08-Apr-19 08:12:08

If you don’t have a huge home, or much spare cash, I can see why your husband might not want him over every night. But to ban him from the house completely isn’t fair. I think it’s normal for parents to feel a bit weird when their kids first start having their partners to stay, but it’s important to start treating your kids like adults when they are! A few ground rules should help - eg no walking around half clothed, sleepovers limited to once a week etc. But if he is staying over I don’t think you can stop them having sex I’m afraid!

notapizzaeater Mon 08-Apr-19 08:15:47

It's a tough one - when my mum stopped my boyfriend staying over we just spent all of our time together at his parents where we could be together.

GreenEggsHamandChips Mon 08-Apr-19 08:20:17

He needs to leave a decent pjs and dressing gown at your house.

I get your DH being upset (The bf has bought it upon himself not doing the above automatically) but his solution isnt the best

thelonggame Mon 08-Apr-19 08:20:47

I agree with the other posters, your husband needs to get over it and accept she's an adult.
Would be a different story if she was having one night stands or changing partners every few weeks, but in a long term committed relationship it's got to be the right thing for then to bring their partner home.
Maybe just set house rules about clothing in public spaces grin

KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 08:21:15

Lol at a naturist house and DH in his budge smugglers!!
To be fair he's isn't banning him from the house, He just feels as though he is being a bit invaded and his home isnt his own. I do get it but surely with a bit of compromise we can find a level we can all cope with?

Flicketyflack Mon 08-Apr-19 08:27:34

It sounds like your husband is not comfortable in his dd growing up?

Personally I would prefer them staying at mine but I can see how people may not be comfortable with this!

Perhaps have a discussion about ground rules eg certain days, appropriate clothing (buy him a dressing gown for your housegrin), what your husband feels happy with.

This situation is not going to go away however much your husband might want it to wink

stucknoue Mon 08-Apr-19 08:31:30

He needs to accept his baby is grown. I'm buying my dd a double bed this week so it's more comfortable when her boyfriend stays. We allowed it from 18

KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 08:38:56

Thanks all! Please keep them coming! Are there any Dads who could give a dads perspective please?

BinkyandBunty Mon 08-Apr-19 08:52:00

I don't think it's fair that you have to have the awkward conversation for him.

If he's the one with the problem, he's the one who should sit them down and tell them. And I bet he won't, because he knows he's being unreasonable.

snitzelvoncrumb Mon 08-Apr-19 08:54:59

Could dh compromise and let her bf stay once or twice a week on certain nights?

Chocolateisfab Mon 08-Apr-19 08:55:23

Your dh should be respecting his dd and her choices.
Respect is two way.

KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 09:07:07

I can see I need to reopen this subjectcwith him. No BinkyandBunty its not fair but he says he is 'quite happy' to do it himself. Unfortunately though his soft skills are limited and he will just dictate and make it uglier than it needs to be

MIA12 Mon 08-Apr-19 09:48:11

How often does he stay over? If it’s almost every night I can see why your DH feels it’s an invasion of privacy. I also think spending every night together would probably be a bit too intense for only a 6 month relationship.

He is unreasonable to think he can dictate their sex life, especially if they are discreet enough that you’re unaware of it. And if you put a total ban in place they’ll just stay somewhere else, where they can be together, and you’ll see less of your DD.

R.e. the food costs, presumably your DD eats at his house and so it equals out? It’s a bit cheeky to let someone else feed you without making a contribution but at their age it’s probably genuinely not thinking about it rather than being a CF.

KelpianCasserole Mon 08-Apr-19 10:08:36

Hi Mia
In the past it has been a few nights in a row but this weekend it was 2 nights.
I don't think for a minute he's a CF as you say she also stays there. He also sometimes contributes food/wine and he cooks for us! DH hates change or disruption and particularly hates meeting another bloke on the landing!

Lungelady Mon 08-Apr-19 10:12:21

He is being ridiculous. Dr has been going out with his gf for 4 years since he was 16 and she has always been welcome to stay. Once I had the contraception chat with them bothgrin

jaydaddy Fri 14-Jun-19 21:59:32

Don't listen to the first reply in this thread, absolute prudish mentality. The truth is, this is your DH's problem - the reality here is that he doesn't like the idea of your daughters and her boyfriend "doing things" in his home, plain and simple. The other reasons like "it costs money to feed him" are just silly reasons to give credit to his actual problem. Let me tell you, I am a 32 year old man - I've had girlfriends in the past where their parents have been fine with me staying over and in their bedrooms and I've had the opposite, where I've not been allowed there at night, in their room or allowed to stay over. The latter mentality always causes more problems. I am now happily married with two kids, 4 and 2 year old girls, and I will happily allow their boyfriends to stay over when they hit 18. The truth is, if they're gonna do it they're gonna do it- wouldn't you rather it be in a safe environment as opposed to god knows where? It can and will also stir up resentment in your DD and her partner, as though you don't trust them to act responsibly. I think YOU OP have a very healthy attitude towards this and your DH needs a reality check.

InfiniteCurve Fri 14-Jun-19 22:42:06

Reading this I totally sympathise with DH.
This is my home,I'm out all day dealing with the public and I want to come to to my home and be all introvert in it without having to deal with random strangers.( and a 6 month boyfriend still falls into the 'someone I know' category rather than the 'friend who can stay over in my house' category.)
Particularly in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning.
I'm really not so bothered about the sex bit,but I am bothered by the invasion of privacy bit.
Luckily I haven't had to deal with this situation yet,as I do think it's DD and DSs home too,but TBH not in the same way that it's my home!
At some point they will move and make homes of their own.Hopefully.

HollowTalk Fri 14-Jun-19 23:28:02

I think it's really important for you all to keep a good relationship with him and with your DD - they may end up staying together forever. A bit of give and take is in order - the boyfriend needs to be clothed in shared spaces. You shouldn't hear them having sex. At the same time your husband should be friendly and polite. It's very uncomfortable staying with someone who doesn't want you there.

KelpianCasserole Sat 15-Jun-19 11:08:36

Jaydaddy totally agree with you- dd is not doing anything wrong and neither is her bf. To be fair DH has improved quite a lot since my post and this is because his anxiety is responding to treatment to some extent.
It's good to hear a man's perspective but I note your age - DH and I are in our early 50s and our parents' old fashioned attitudes are to some extent wired into us. I guess this dilutes with every generation as there's no way either of us would have had this freedom!

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