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Unhappy that my 19 year old daughter wants to live with her non student boyfriend in her final year

(51 Posts)
Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:34:02

Hi my daughter has told me that she will be moving in with her non student boyfriend in her final year at uni. I have told her to wait until she finishes uni first. She is now threatening not to complete her degree as I won’t help her finance her accommodation. Any thoughts would be helpful please?

PurpleDaisies Mon 01-Apr-19 19:35:45

What’s your objection to them living together?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:36:28

When is her final year?

stucknoue Mon 01-Apr-19 19:38:11

Whilst there's complications (eg it won't be exempt from council tax) she's an adult, surely you fund her at the same level as before

exexpat Mon 01-Apr-19 19:39:26

What exactly are your objections? Do you not like the boyfriend? Have they not been together long enough? Do you think she will be distracted from her studies?

I can't really see an issue otherwise. Disclaimer: I lived with my boyfriend (later husband) from age 20, during the last two years of university, when he had already graduated and was working. We bought a house together in my final year.

DS is also about to graduate but is planning to stay in his current university city and and live with his girlfriend next year while she completes her final year. It sounds sensible to me.

I think threatening to withdraw funding just because she is living with her boyfriend will just backfire and could affect your relationship with your daughter permanently.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 01-Apr-19 19:39:57

She is now threatening not to complete her degree as I won’t help her finance her accommodation.

At 19 she is choosing to move out of university accommodation and play house with her boyfriend. She can finance it herself! The cheek of her expecting you to pay! Doesn’t her boyfriend have a job?

Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:41:04

This is her first boyfriend she has not known him long. He is 3 years older than her and since he left school has been working in a bar. I feel he is manipulating her and she is rushing to live with him. Her final
Year is important and her degree is very demanding. I am advising her to wait until she graduates.

Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:42:07

Starts this Sept.

CallMeCarolDanvers Mon 01-Apr-19 19:42:11

Tbh OP unless there's a massive drip feed about the boyfriend I think you're being an arse. Why won't you fund her at the same level as currently? You're forcing her to choose between living in a place and with people she doesn't want to, or drop out of uni to get a job. If you don't have a cast iron reason then you will come across as controlling and unkind.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:42:48

Is he supportive of her studies? Ultimately I can’t see that there’s a lot you can do about it.

Honeyroar Mon 01-Apr-19 19:42:57

I can see your point. I lived with just my boyfriend (who graduated the year before) in my final year of uni and we broke up a couple of months before my exams. I had to find a new place to live and cope with all the upset on top of doing finals. It wasn't good.

GinUnicorn Mon 01-Apr-19 19:43:29

I think when you have to leave this up to her. Fair enough to not give her any extra money but don’t cut her off.

Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:46:47

I have to sign a Guarantor form to pay her rent if she defaults. I am worried if he decides to leave then she will be left trying to pay his and her rent etc and I can’t afford to cover it financially. Also, when I was introduced to his mother she made it clear she did not like me. She is divorced and depends on him financially etc and I am worried he is moving in with my daughter to escape his mum. I do not want her stressed or distracted by him in her final year.

Bamchic Mon 01-Apr-19 19:48:06

I lived with DH at uni. He never went. He was a barman. I have never met anyone so proud of me.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 01-Apr-19 19:49:35

I have to sign a Guarantor form to pay her rent if she defaults.

Are they signing as joint tenants? If so surely he will have a guarantor too? If not then no way would I sign as guarantor for him to cocklodge in her house.

Horehound Mon 01-Apr-19 19:50:38

Do not be a guarantor.

AuntieCJ Mon 01-Apr-19 19:51:09

No. Don't sign.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 01-Apr-19 19:51:55

He’s moving from his mothers house? Has he ever lived independently?

happyhillock Mon 01-Apr-19 19:54:00

She's 19 old enough to do what she want's i certainly wouldn't be given her extra money, she can get a part time job like most student's do.

CallMeCarolDanvers Mon 01-Apr-19 19:54:16

This is the massive drip feed I was waiting for. "AIBU to not want to act as guarantor for my DD and her minimum wage, unstable job new boyfriend when I couldn't afford the rent if they default?" is an entirely different question.

DantesInferno Mon 01-Apr-19 19:56:30

This is the massive drip feed I was waiting for. "AIBU to not want to act as guarantor for my DD and her minimum wage, unstable job new boyfriend when I couldn't afford the rent if they default?"

This ^

You cant stop her from moving out, but dont be an idiot and sign a guarantor contract

Nix32 Mon 01-Apr-19 19:58:00

She starts uni in September and you're already thinking about her final year accommodation? Surely it wouldn't be the same property so any guarantor agreement would have to be agreed when she moved into a place with him. Her final year is a long way away - I wouldn't worry about it yet.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 01-Apr-19 20:00:52

No nix her final year starts in September so accommodation needs to be sorted soon.

Ginger1982 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:01:58

Nix i think the OP means her final year starts this September.

alliejay81 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:04:10

I moved in with my BF in my second year. He was six years older and had a job. It all turned out fine. I got a much sought after graduate job and we're now married with a DC.

She's a grown up, I'm afraid.

Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:22:16

At no point have I told her I will cut her off. I said I cannot risk get getting into a situation where he could split with her and she will then come to me for money that I have not got.

Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:24:31

No he has not lived independently this is the first time he has lived with anyone apart from his mum. This is why I am so worried.

ILoveMaxiBondi Mon 01-Apr-19 20:25:32

Yeah I wouldn’t be funding that at all. Who is he using as a guarantor?

Taneartagam Mon 01-Apr-19 20:26:54

I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) during my final two years. He also worked in a bar and so mostly worked nights which meant I had peace and quiet to study. Even if he was working day shifts he wasn't home til 7 whereas I would be home earlier but he also appreciated my need to study. Especially because he hadn't.

This was 25 years ago and my parents didn't approve either though they did support me financially and do (appear to) love him now.

Georgie1710 Mon 01-Apr-19 20:30:19

I have asked her for more information and waiting to hear from her. I think she mentioned he is putting forward deposit money. What she needs from me is to give my income details to Student Finance to her her maintenance loan and for her second year where she is living now I had to sign a rent Guarantor form which I think
I might have to do in her new place with him. In my mind she is an adult when she graduates and earns her own money which she isn’t doing at the moment.

CallMeCarolDanvers Mon 01-Apr-19 20:36:31

So you don't know that you would need to be a guarantor? You're back to sounding controlling and a bit unpleasant.

Taneartagam Mon 01-Apr-19 21:08:42

Have just read your last post OP, my bf had a dependant mother and young daughter and ex girlfriend to support! He worked very hard to do so and definitely I was an escape route. My parents were horrified but never said as much straight out. In the beginning they, and I, probably did support DH quite a bit but he always worked hard and encouraged me in my studies especially because he was not in a position to go for a third level education.

Taneartagam Mon 01-Apr-19 21:10:30

Oops sorry i meant your second post! Got distracted.

Ginnymweasley Mon 01-Apr-19 21:15:18

Has she asked you to be guarantor or have you just presumed you will be?
I lived with my dh for the last 2 years of uni, he worked. How long have they been together?
I have to admit you are sounding a bit judgemental of him without having the full details by the sound of it.

Expressedways Mon 01-Apr-19 21:21:11

I moved in with DH in my final year of university whilst he was doing his master’s degree and interning. I don’t see the issue to be honest. Is this a snobbery thing about the fact that he’s not a graduate? However, I think it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to be his guarantor. DH and I had a guarantor each (our Fathers). If his salary isn’t sufficient for him to rent without a guarantor either then it’s perfectly ok to say that he’ll need to find his own. That said, it doesn’t sound like they’ve asked you yet so you may be jumping the gun slightly.

woolduvet Mon 01-Apr-19 21:49:33

I'd offer what I'd be offering if she'd stayed in Halls etc.
No guarantor that covered all the rent etc, and I'd only contribute what I'd planned.
Outwardly be supportive, but keep your reservations for yourself.
If you're still not happy, make sure you fail the guarantor but send it direct to them.

woolduvet Mon 01-Apr-19 21:51:41

Just make sure the guarantor for is just for her portion not the whole rent, as it often seems to be.

exexpat Mon 01-Apr-19 21:53:42

If he is a few years older and has not lived independently before, I would be having a chat with her about making sure that he is not going to expect her to take over where his mother may well not yet have left off, i.e. to agree before they move in together that all housework, cooking, shopping etc will be shared, how they will deal with finances and so on.

Also talk to her about what she will do if they split up before September or during the course of the next year - would that leave her in a financially difficult position and having to scramble around for somewhere to live at a time when she should be working for finals?

Obviously no one aged 19 and in love for the first time thinks they are going to split up or argue about washing-up and bills, but it is a big commitment with real-life consequences.

ScarletBitch Mon 01-Apr-19 21:55:44

Tell her to get on with it as it's her future at risk not yours. If she wants to move in with her boyfriend fine, but why should you finance it?

If she is old enough to emotionally blackmail you, she is old enough to deal with the consequences that comes with the fallout from it!

NicoAndTheNiners Mon 01-Apr-19 21:58:38

If it's not for 2years don't argue about it now. Smile and nod. They may well have split up by the time she's in her final year. My dd said the same to me, they split a few months later.

ScarletBitch Mon 01-Apr-19 21:59:02

I can't see how she is in her final year at Uni if she is only 19?

PCohle Mon 01-Apr-19 22:07:12

His mum not liking you sounds a pretty shit reason not to support your DD.

Not signing her student loan form seems petty and unnecessary. However agreeing to act as a guarantor if you couldn't actually afford to pay is always a bad idea.

Expressedways Mon 01-Apr-19 22:07:49

I can't see how she is in her final year at Uni if she is only 19?
From what the OP has said I think this relates to accommodation for next year’s academic year, starting in September. So it’s reasonable to presume that the OP’s DD will turn 20 between now and end of August.

QueenDoria Mon 01-Apr-19 22:09:42

To answer the age question, if she didn’t take a year out she could still be19 and starting her final year in the autumn. If she turns 20 during this school year (between now and August) she will be graduating at 21.

Tartanwarrior Mon 01-Apr-19 22:11:14

f it's not for 2years don't argue about it now. Smile and nod. They may well have split up by the time she's in her final year. My dd said the same to me, they split a few months later

Yes!!

Can you go on a today and leave them to look after your house? Maybe a few weeks of blinkers - off living will put things in perspective.

Is there a problem that the mum is divorced? And that he's a barman?

Tartanwarrior Mon 01-Apr-19 22:11:43

* holiday !!

Iflyaway Mon 01-Apr-19 22:24:29

Is there a problem that the mum is divorced? And that he's a barman?

OFFS of course not! What fucking century do you live in?!

Mum's just worried that DD will forget about graduating or her studies once she moves in. And as for having to be guarantor, why would she want to do that?

Mum, just tell her if she wants to live with him she will have to get a job to help pay the bills, like we all have to, while studying.

I did it in the 1970's/80's/90's too. (Cos I never stopped learning)..

Brought up a kid too meanwhile....

eastereggtime Mon 01-Apr-19 22:55:07

I moved in with my 5 yrs older non uni boyfriend in my third year. 3 kids and 20 years later we are still together.

My parents were completely against it and i think that's why we ended up together. However I didn't ask my parents to pay for it, personally i think if she's old enough to move in and play house with her boyfriend they can support them selves

We had nothing except an empty flat and everything we had we worked for together. I left university with student debt which we worked hard to pay off together

FamilyOfAliens Mon 01-Apr-19 23:05:55

Iflyaway

Why are you calling the OP “Mum”?

BorsetshireBlew Mon 01-Apr-19 23:10:08

If she would do something so stupid as dropout of university if she can't live with her boyfriend then she's not grown up enough to live independently at all! Silly girl. Let her make her own mistakes but don't sign a guarantor form if you think it's a risk at all.

Tartanwarrior Tue 02-Apr-19 20:47:30

iflyaway
The OP mentioned it? I'm wondering why it's an important point.

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