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Daughter partner

(40 Posts)
Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 05:30:52

My adult daughter is dating a nice chap who is 29 she is a student at uni and he works in london which is where I live . He rents a room in a shared flat in London and pays his rent every month however she prefers living at home with me and he now stays at my house pretty much 7 nights a week. I've sajd he needs to contribute here and even suggested he pay rent to me as he is using all my facilities and my utility bills have increased plus he enjoys my home. He seems reclutant to sort getting a new tenant to replace himself at his flat share and is wasting £1,000 a month paying for a room he isn't using. I am divorced. Pay all my bills myself and could also do with the monthly help taking into account he is 29! I don't want to seem forceful but can't afford to subsidise anyone as adults

NaturalBornWoman Sun 24-Mar-19 15:38:02

My post is about contribution in my home with all adults residing.

But people will pick up and comment on the bigger picture, which is that this young man is clearly not yet ready to give up his own place and move in with his girlfriend and her mother. Quite understandably at this point in the relationship. I don't understand why you'd think it would be a good idea in all honesty, it's too soon and you should be encouraging your daughter to be more independent too. You do sound like an enabler, "she likes her own bed"; she's 25!

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 14:26:00

Well ask the guy directly when is he going to start paying rent but i do think you are pushing it if you want to move move she is 25 years old hardly a teenager. Btw not everybody hands over deposit money my dc saved their own money i can't afford to help them get a mortgage

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 14:21:16

My daughter is 25 works part time and contributes she went back to uni to better herself to seek a better job with more skills under her belt . Me helping with a deposit for buying a shared scheme home is because I am looking to move home and it's not uncommon for parent or parents to help towards a deposit as she has a saving account which she also put some savings into for this use. I was 25 when I purchased my first house and walking down the aisle after 8 months then married 24 years everyone is different when it comes to relationships she not seeking to marry at this stage. My post is about contribution in my home with all adults residing.

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 14:02:18

cory I think youare spot on

corythatwas Sun 24-Mar-19 13:25:41

I think somebody should suggest to this young man that if your daughter isn't even prepared to give up her bed to see him a few nights a week she really isn't girlfriend material. What she is basically doing is expecting him and you to fund her comfort at no cost to herself. Either he gives up his security (he'd have to be mad!) or you pay his keep (you'd have to be mad!). Tell her to grow up.

Ragwort Sun 24-Mar-19 12:18:20

How old is your DD?

I have a teenage DS and there is no way I would allow him to move a girl friend of 7 months in [ shock]. I would hope that my DS will be out and about making lots of new friends and having lots of different experiences when he is at uni rather than shacking up with someone when he is a student. Your DD has got years ahead of her to have serious relationships.

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 11:47:09

Is your Dd contributing to her home? The boyfriend wants to be with his gf you are facilitating this by allowing him to stay because you don't want to upset your daughter so you have come up with this idea of contributions and giving her money for a deposit they have been together 7 months calm down tell her he can't move in

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:40:58

Far from it I want everyone adults in my home contributing like adults as I provide a lovely home over their heads and always worked since I was 16. I don't have any issues anyone residing long as they contribute. Once again thank you for all replies

Holidayshopping Sun 24-Mar-19 11:06:24

They have been together for less than a year! Stop thinking about them living together. It sounds rather like you just want his money tbh!

FrancisCrawford Sun 24-Mar-19 11:04:41

My daughter won't stay at his shared flat as she likes her own bed

Let her take her bed to his place

And she can get a part-time job, something most students do in order to afford to live

She’s moved him in by stealth and expects you to shoulder the extra costs? That’s really unfair and more than a bit selfish. Time for her to accept more responsibility for herself.

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:03:31

Thank you for your responses 👍🏻

howhowhow Sun 24-Mar-19 11:00:58

You sound grabby. It's your daughter you need to speak to. Just don't let him stay if it's such a problem.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 24-Mar-19 10:56:51

They’ve been together 7 months! Why are you pushing them towards buying a property together?!

If I was this guy I’d be running for the hills. You’ll be ring shopping next.

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 10:55:54

I think you need to back off tbh he hasn't given up his place for a reason

Arowana Sun 24-Mar-19 10:55:25

I can see why he doesn't want to give up his rental if they've only been together a few months - what if they split up? A new tenant would probably require a six-month notice period.

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:54:20

Sorry pressed post too soon.

It sounds as if you're not sending a clear message at all, you're saying "do X, maybe give me some money. If you don't do X but continue doing y give me some money". It's no wonder they're ignoring you.

Perhaps the problem is not wanting to be forceful, as you say in your opening post.

It sounds as though you need to be clearer and more forceful.

He'd be mad to give up his flat share and move in with his new student girlfriend and her mum though. Utterly stupid. Students break up and make up every 15 minutes. 7 months together with a student who lives with her mum and "likes her own bed" so much she won't sleep over in a flat share is not the basis for putting all your eggs in one basket!

Just sit them down and lay down in no uncertain terms that he cannot stay over more than 2 nights per week starting today because it's costing you money to host him. Then stop talking.

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 10:50:58

I wouldn't want him staying either boyfriends can come and go they either need to move in together properly or not your dd can take her own bed with her.

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 10:49:09

I've spoken to them both as I am looking to move and said if they are seeking to live together then if he cuts his £1,000 month current rent and contributes at my home it will give him chance to build part of a deposit and I will give my daughter part to enable them to look at buying a place as a investment as both are serious at this stage and I see my contribution as a way to also get my daughter on the property ladder and become independent when she starts new job

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:48:21

It sounds as though you're not being clear at all. Your 10:43 post says two contradictory things in one sentence. I expect that's how you're communicating with your daughter and her boyfriend too.

You can't say "Go back to your own place several nights a week do you want to contribute, and if you stay here 7 nights, you'll have to pay to cover extra charges"

Holidayshopping Sun 24-Mar-19 10:44:13

I would tell him to to stay at my house 7 days a week. He must be costing you a fortune. Say one or two nights a week at most?

I wouldn’t want to give up my home in his situation.

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 10:43:51

I didn't give a amount ? Per month I stated he currently pays £1,000 for his flat share. It's not about money it's about the principle to contribute towards London living which is much higher than most places to actually live. I have said he needs to go back to his rental several times a week and if he wants to contribute as he been staying more recently up to 7 nights he will have to pay towards the extra charges which I am currently paying accommodating another adult in my home

llangennith Sun 24-Mar-19 10:43:35

I wouldn't be happy about him moving in but as you're ok with it then you need to sort out his financial contribution asap. As a starting point tell your DD he cannot stay at yours during the week, only at weekends, until he can pay rent. I'm sure that will spur him on to find a solution and start paying you bed and board.

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 10:37:39

I wouldn't allow this your Dd and her boyfriend are taking advantage You need to decide if you want him living in your house or not speak to her about it but staying over is fine for a night but not all week

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:34:51

That should be ok not 9k

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:33:55

* Rowstock78* It's absolutely understandable and sensible that a 29 year old doesn't want to give up their own independent accommodation in order to properly move in with a student they've been seeing only 7 months, and that student's mother.

It is not 9k that he's at yours 7 nights per week using your hot water and electricity - are you also paying for his food? Does he do laundry at yours?

The argument that your daughter "likes her own bed" and therefore won't stay at his isn't a reason for him to be at yours 7 nights per week, and is frankly completely ridiculous.

Do you actually just see this man as a cash cow to subsidise your adult children's living costs?

If it's not that but the understandable unwillingness to subsidise a working adult in a new relationship with your daughter the answer isn't to demand he move in and give you £1000 per month when he doesn't want to make that commitment!

The answer is to set boundaries - no matter how attached your daughter is to her bed, her boyfriend only stays over two nights per week. Your daughter can sleep alone in her own bed or go to his the other nights. If she actually starts going to his(balancing out the use of utilities) you could offer 3 nights - if she's at his 3 nights too that will balance things in both places.

If she likes her own bed so much she has to sleep in it every night she'll have to sleep alone sometimes, until their relationship is long term and stable and they both want to move in together - because they're ready, not because you could do with an extra £12,000 per year!

Btw if he's going to share with your DD you won't be able to reasonably ask for anything like as much rent as he pays to have a room to himself in his flat share!

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