Daughter partner

(40 Posts)
Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 05:30:52

My adult daughter is dating a nice chap who is 29 she is a student at uni and he works in london which is where I live . He rents a room in a shared flat in London and pays his rent every month however she prefers living at home with me and he now stays at my house pretty much 7 nights a week. I've sajd he needs to contribute here and even suggested he pay rent to me as he is using all my facilities and my utility bills have increased plus he enjoys my home. He seems reclutant to sort getting a new tenant to replace himself at his flat share and is wasting £1,000 a month paying for a room he isn't using. I am divorced. Pay all my bills myself and could also do with the monthly help taking into account he is 29! I don't want to seem forceful but can't afford to subsidise anyone as adults

OP’s posts: |
ivykaty44 Sun 24-Mar-19 05:42:13

What happens if he splits up with your dd? Where will he live then?

Monty27 Sun 24-Mar-19 05:42:57

A student paying 1k pm for a room?
Are you sure? hmm

CurlyWurlyTwirly Sun 24-Mar-19 05:47:06

The daughter is a student

CurlyWurlyTwirly Sun 24-Mar-19 05:49:23

Sit them down and explain the situation. He should definitely be contributing. However are you sure you want him there full time?
He could pay for a storage unit for his stuff near to you, then pay you rent, say £500 a month.
Then if they split up, he doesn’t have too much stuff to move

Abillity2019 Sun 24-Mar-19 05:49:58

He’s working, it’s the daughter that’s the student.

OP - This would drive me round the twist, not just the money but the fact you’ve had another adult move in by stealth. Why can’t your daughter stay at his place?

NaturalBornWoman Sun 24-Mar-19 06:11:01

Rather than asking him to give up his place and move in with you when they haven't necessarily come to that point in their relationship, I would say that he can't stay that often. He's got his own place, your daughter is an adult and can stay at his if she wants to spend every night with him. When they want to commit to a permanent arrangement they can find a place together.

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 09:28:25

My daughter won't stay at his shared flat as she likes her own bed. I have told her he needs to find a replacement tenant and then he can pay me rent at reasonable level as their not married and I am not prepared to subsidise. I don't mind him living in my home as he already doing this 7 nights a week which is why I've told her and him rent needs paying as I'm a solo parent and never thought after my divorce I'd still have two adults living at home one a student and the other due home from travelling then seeking a job .

OP’s posts: |
Ragwort Sun 24-Mar-19 09:35:42

What is your issue? Personally I just wouldn’t let my DD just move her ‘boyfriend’ into my home shock.
Why are you being so passive about it?
If you are genuinely happy to share your home with two adults then make it clear that the ‘board & lodgings’ contribution is £X per month. Don’t call it rent.
And what 29 year old man just moves into his girlfriend’s mother’s home without a proper discussion? It doesn’t sound as though either of them have much respect for you.

Strawberry2017 Sun 24-Mar-19 09:40:10

Another adult using the facilities and eating the food is going to cost more so it's only fair he contribute some way. If he doesn't want to contribute then they probably need to look at the sleeping arrangements.
Not your responsibility to subsidise him. X

RainbowWaffles Sun 24-Mar-19 09:48:49

It’s your daughter causing the issue here. He is a grown man who has his own place which he seems keen on keeping yet your daughter will only stay with him at your home not his. I doubt he wants to give up his independence and be at the whim of his girlfriend and her mum. I actually feel sorry for him. There is a difference between him paying for the increase in cost as a direct result of his staying there and him contributing the ‘bills and rent’ in general. He would no doubt prefer to stay in his own place with his girlfriend staying over without having to deal with her mother. Seems a pretty rubbish situation for him.

Gruzinkerbell1 Sun 24-Mar-19 09:58:11

Did your daughter ask before moving her adult boyfriend into your home? There’s no way I’d be so passive about this. Bloody find a new tenant for his flat share?! He’d be allowed to stay over twice a week, maximum. Your daughter needs to grow up and start staying with him sometimes.

Send them pillow shopping so she feels more at home in his bed and lay down the law on how many nights he can stay per week.

The problem is not him increasing your costs, he has his own home and associated costs. It’s your daughter refusing to leave mummy’s house that is causing this.

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 10:17:45

My daughter is a student cannot contribute toward her partner rental and therefore prefers to live at home until she finds a job once she graduates to be able to contribute and they are talking about finding a joint place together. It's a early relationship stage (7 months ) so their still building on relationship. I'm sure I'm not the only solo parent or even married parent with similar issues with adult siblings still living at home as it's not always affordable in this current market to have own home. The partner is a decent guy which is why I've not stamped my foot hard at this stage ! I am hoping he finds a replacement tenant and then can contribute towards rent or house keeping under my roof I don't actually have any issues him at my home other than increased utlity bills

OP’s posts: |
ThatFalseEquivalenceTho Sun 24-Mar-19 10:20:47

Tell them both he can’t stay another night until he starts contributing. They’re taking the piss and you’re letting them.

crimsonlake Sun 24-Mar-19 10:33:26

I can see both sides. He wants to spend time with your daughter, she will not stay at his. However I can see why he does not want to commit to giving his flat up and I do not think he should. If their relationship does not work out he would have nowhere to go. This is your daughters doing and you need to give an ultimatum. Either she starts spending at least half the week at his, or you majorly cut down on his stays at yours to a couple of nights a week. She cannot have it both ways.

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:33:55

* Rowstock78* It's absolutely understandable and sensible that a 29 year old doesn't want to give up their own independent accommodation in order to properly move in with a student they've been seeing only 7 months, and that student's mother.

It is not 9k that he's at yours 7 nights per week using your hot water and electricity - are you also paying for his food? Does he do laundry at yours?

The argument that your daughter "likes her own bed" and therefore won't stay at his isn't a reason for him to be at yours 7 nights per week, and is frankly completely ridiculous.

Do you actually just see this man as a cash cow to subsidise your adult children's living costs?

If it's not that but the understandable unwillingness to subsidise a working adult in a new relationship with your daughter the answer isn't to demand he move in and give you £1000 per month when he doesn't want to make that commitment!

The answer is to set boundaries - no matter how attached your daughter is to her bed, her boyfriend only stays over two nights per week. Your daughter can sleep alone in her own bed or go to his the other nights. If she actually starts going to his(balancing out the use of utilities) you could offer 3 nights - if she's at his 3 nights too that will balance things in both places.

If she likes her own bed so much she has to sleep in it every night she'll have to sleep alone sometimes, until their relationship is long term and stable and they both want to move in together - because they're ready, not because you could do with an extra £12,000 per year!

Btw if he's going to share with your DD you won't be able to reasonably ask for anything like as much rent as he pays to have a room to himself in his flat share!

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:34:51

That should be ok not 9k

MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 10:37:39

I wouldn't allow this your Dd and her boyfriend are taking advantage You need to decide if you want him living in your house or not speak to her about it but staying over is fine for a night but not all week

llangennith Sun 24-Mar-19 10:43:35

I wouldn't be happy about him moving in but as you're ok with it then you need to sort out his financial contribution asap. As a starting point tell your DD he cannot stay at yours during the week, only at weekends, until he can pay rent. I'm sure that will spur him on to find a solution and start paying you bed and board.

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 10:43:51

I didn't give a amount ? Per month I stated he currently pays £1,000 for his flat share. It's not about money it's about the principle to contribute towards London living which is much higher than most places to actually live. I have said he needs to go back to his rental several times a week and if he wants to contribute as he been staying more recently up to 7 nights he will have to pay towards the extra charges which I am currently paying accommodating another adult in my home

OP’s posts: |
Holidayshopping Sun 24-Mar-19 10:44:13

I would tell him to to stay at my house 7 days a week. He must be costing you a fortune. Say one or two nights a week at most?

I wouldn’t want to give up my home in his situation.

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:48:21

It sounds as though you're not being clear at all. Your 10:43 post says two contradictory things in one sentence. I expect that's how you're communicating with your daughter and her boyfriend too.

You can't say "Go back to your own place several nights a week do you want to contribute, and if you stay here 7 nights, you'll have to pay to cover extra charges"

Rowstock78 Sun 24-Mar-19 10:49:09

I've spoken to them both as I am looking to move and said if they are seeking to live together then if he cuts his £1,000 month current rent and contributes at my home it will give him chance to build part of a deposit and I will give my daughter part to enable them to look at buying a place as a investment as both are serious at this stage and I see my contribution as a way to also get my daughter on the property ladder and become independent when she starts new job

OP’s posts: |
MrsJayy Sun 24-Mar-19 10:50:58

I wouldn't want him staying either boyfriends can come and go they either need to move in together properly or not your dd can take her own bed with her.

blueskiesovertheforest Sun 24-Mar-19 10:54:20

Sorry pressed post too soon.

It sounds as if you're not sending a clear message at all, you're saying "do X, maybe give me some money. If you don't do X but continue doing y give me some money". It's no wonder they're ignoring you.

Perhaps the problem is not wanting to be forceful, as you say in your opening post.

It sounds as though you need to be clearer and more forceful.

He'd be mad to give up his flat share and move in with his new student girlfriend and her mum though. Utterly stupid. Students break up and make up every 15 minutes. 7 months together with a student who lives with her mum and "likes her own bed" so much she won't sleep over in a flat share is not the basis for putting all your eggs in one basket!

Just sit them down and lay down in no uncertain terms that he cannot stay over more than 2 nights per week starting today because it's costing you money to host him. Then stop talking.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in