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Am I being unreasonable?

(6 Posts)
MaddieDe Tue 19-Feb-19 11:56:16

So I know if I read this I would have initially have said yes but now I'm in a situation I never expected in a thousand years. I have 3 children all close together. A boy then two girls in their early 20's.
I had them but then my first husband left when they were all under 5 as he said ' I love them but can't do this 24/7' . We divorced as amicably as you can and in fairness we remained in our home and he always paid his money under a court order and saw the children for a weekend every 2-3 weeks. I met another man who had been unfaithful to his first wife twice before me but told me I was the one! I felt as I worked 3 jobs and more than full time with 3 young children that he was my Prince. He had two older children in their teens. He left his wife ( I had not initially known he was married and once I did I ended the relationship but he then left her and begged me to take him back) . I felt awful though.... anyway the children were still under 6 and within 3 years we married. He was a good husband but I continued to work full time and manage the house and children. He didn't get on with my son and he later told me he felt emotionally excluded by him and pushed out. On reflection I agree but when I was in the epicentre I tried to please all the children and my husband and when push came to shove I said if he made me choose I'd choose my son. My mum then became poorly and died prematurely and I dealt with her estate and rehoused my stepfather as well as supporting my brother. By the time I dealt with this my husband then left after 15 years by text and had run off with a woman 12 years younger. He never spoke or explained why and never has, then we had a bitter divorce as he tried to take money from my children that they had inherited from my Mum. Then my brother was found dead abroad so I had to repatriate his body and deal with complicated estate. My daughter was close to my ex and now has not seen me for a year and has become best friends with her stepfather and is buying a house with the money my mum left her 20 mins from him and 2 hours from me. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 months and has dragged her sister into this. I think she is angry because I said I couldn't go to her wedding if she expected me to watch my ex ( her step father) walk her down the aisle. Her father won't say a word in case she blanks him as well. So what should I do. I have sent emails saying how hurt I am and that I love her and hate this and had nothing except a solicitor telling me not to contact her. Blocked on fb and no idea what's happening in her life. She was with a lovely guy for years and then cheated on him and started a relationship with the guy she cheated on him with. Less than a year and now engaged to him and planning a wedding. But she cheated on her new guy with her ex so I'm concerned she is making a big mistake. As no one talks to her honestly as they are frightened she will exclude them I think it's going to be awful... it's made me very ill and now on medication from GP. Any advice appreciated sad

IWouldPreferNotTo Tue 19-Feb-19 13:33:42

My daughter was close to my ex and now has not seen me for a year and has become best friends with her stepfather and is buying a house with the money my mum left her 20 mins from him and 2 hours from me. She hasn't spoken to me for 6 months and has dragged her sister into this. I think she is angry because I said I couldn't go to her wedding if she expected me to watch my ex ( her step father) walk her down the aisle.

You said you wouldn't go to her wedding because your ex who she likes would be present. I would hazard a guess at this could be a reason why she is angry at you, as you're effectively saying "pick me or him and if you don't pick me I won't attend your wedding".

You've then contacted her enough that she's felt it necessary to seek legal advice.

If this is making you unwell then seeking some counselling could be a good first step to talk about how you could try and rebuild bridges and how to do it without making matters worse.

MaddieDe Tue 19-Feb-19 13:46:10

Thanks for replying. I agree to some respect but I'm not saying pick me or him. I've said if you want to see him that's fine but you can't make me like him. He put me through hell and I just cannot watch him take her down the aisle after he's done that to me. Especially as he would have taken her money she inherited ( 10's of thousands ) had I not fought to stop him. I put all I had on the line to protect her and her siblings and feel really let down. I have no siblings or parents as my Dad died when I was in my early 20's. I have left my door open from the outset and not contacted her since she asked me not to. My son is horrified by her behaviour. Counselling is an option but as I have removed myself from her life it's not going to change her feelings.

avacadooo Tue 05-Mar-19 17:28:19

My parents split when I was 19 and i had just moved out. I'm sorry but I think it's a shitty thing to say that about her wedding to your daughter. My dad did it to me and it was manipulative of him and I now hate his guts and refuse to speak to him. Haven't spoken to him in years.
You have to understand what you've said has torn her apart and it's such a hurtful thing to do at a stressful time in her life.
I chose my mum in the end as she didn't try to blackmail me into kicking my dad out of the wedding she was trying to be supportive of it and he dragged her into it. Now I'm expecting my first child and there's no way in hell he will ever see it.

She's an adult who has to make her own mistakes and if her getting married is one of them then it's horrible but doesn't mean you have the right to interfere.

MaddieDe Wed 06-Mar-19 21:48:37

Thankyou for your advice.... I guess it depends on the situation... the saying 'walk a mile in my shoes ' is very apt as you grow older as I think I would have agreed with you before I had my own poor experience... if I had left my husband I'd agree with you or if it had been amicable but when you have a really awful ex who has acted really badly not just to you but your children then..... but I appreciate your response. smile

Gina2012 Thu 07-Mar-19 20:15:36

and I just cannot watch him take her down the aisle after he's done that to me.

So you ARE saying pick me or him

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