I don't recognise my child any more relationship wrecked

[HeartbrokenMum]

I'm a single mum to a 19 yr old who has become a complete nightmare to live with.

Disgusting, dirty habits that are affecting my health, taking mick financially massively, hugely disrespectful even aggressive, emotional blackmail if I try to put foot down or even just try to discuss in a way that isn't just me giving in to all their demands, does nothing to help at home even waking me to cook for them

I feel like I am living with a stranger and an aggressive unpredictable one too.

I have tried so many different things to try and sort this out and none of it has worked at all

Endless talking promises and apologies from them too quickly forgotten next day

I'm completely exhausted and heartbroken but also angry

I dunno what to do

Dad not on scene at all I have nobody to turn to in real life I feel on verge of collapse even physically help me please

[Madwomanuptheroad]

My second child is a similar age. A couple of years ago he turned nearly overnight from a lovely intelligent articulate teen into some hoororfilm carricature of disaffected young person. He had to move out. Still has a massive chip on his shoulder as he now has to take responsibility for himself.
He will grow up and grow out of it but it takes a good few years.
That does not make it any easier as a parent

[MumUnderTheMoon]

Unfortunately I think all you can do is remove them from your home and change the locks.

[HeartbrokenMum]

I've said they have to go it's all blown up today but it's been coming for many months up to 2 years

Getting all the usual apologies promises to change but mixed in with some real nastiness when that's not working

Totally fed up

[HollowTalk]

The thing is that when teenagers go to university then often parents breathe a huge sigh of relief and the teenager grows up (eventually, for some!) but they're not in their parents' faces all the time.

Your son could have done with moving out when he was 18, too. If you tell him to go now you're only putting him in that situation - it's completely normal for teenagers to live away from home.

He needs to go into a house share. Can you afford to pay for his first month's deposit and rent? People his own age won't put up with that behaviour.

Does he work?

[HollowTalk]

Are there any other children at home?

What was your relationship with him like when he was younger?

[missyB1]

This is why kids really need to move out once they are 18. They are adults and need to be independent.
Tough love required now OP. Do they have a job or any chance of going away to Uni?

[FlibbertyGiblets]

It is hard. Agree that University has made suuuuuch a difference - the older two are delightful now (yay). Strangely the baby (well 16 years old but still the baby) is sailing through blithely.

Back to OP. You've been careful to refer to as them. I wouldn't assume boy, girls can be very difficult too. Oodles of sympathy, mixed with a small amount of holding your hand as you think of whether best to ask them to be off to pastures new by such and such date.

Good luck.

[HollowTalk]

Sorry, don't know why I assumed it was a boy.

[HeartbrokenMum]

Thank you for listening just been crying on my mums shoulder but she's sick and can't offer anything but emotional support and even that is something I feel guilty doing

[HeartbrokenMum]

They're working full time not really academic type good job but they find it stressful in some ways and seem to think that there must be a job of some kind that doesn't have any downsides lol

I've done a lot of mainly low paid jobs some better than others but none are all good stuff

[HeartbrokenMum]

No other children at home we had a fantastic relationship until this really close 'us against the world'

That's something I really don't understand can't make sense of how it's gone so wrong

[Madwomanuptheroad]

It does sound like difficulties to grow up/ separate from you. She/ he needs to go and experiment/ experience life away from you. The relationship is likely to sort itselc out over time

[HeartbrokenMum]

I really don't know what to do

I left home at 17 for a job

[Decormad38]

My dd 19 turned into a selfish swamp rat too. She’s living in student accommodation now and its been a steep learning curve for her. She’s also beginning to realise how much I did for her. She can still be a pain and totally egocentric but we no longer have to live with it and only see her when she’s nice. Please try to launch him to a different abode.

[ssd]

Dc may be a girl

[justasking111]

He/she needs to move out. They do get bolshie and you get on each others nerves. Ours is off to uni. in September, he is a bit shouty these days flexing his muscles and thinks he knows everything.

[HeartbrokenMum]

Been dealing with dd (might as well reveal that as it may be relevant now)

Things calm at the moment. Though how I'm staying calm I really don't know because a friend of hers has been in touch, I knew they'd had a falling out I didn't know why. Turns out its because friend doesn't like how dd is being either and thinks it may be to do with the weed she's smoking although apparently only occasionally.

I am so so so so so so so out of my depth here. I know nothing about drugs and I am terrified. As I started out saying I don't recognise her any more her behaviour is not like her at all she's always been so bloody laid back she's half asleep stood upright now she's a bloody banshee! I am worried sick and bloody furious too.

What the fuck do I do? It's not like I can ground her and not give her pocket money. Might explain where all my fucking money has been going though that's stopping right now

But what about all the rest of it? I can't take her wage off her so she's still got that money.

Part of me wants to lock her in the other throw her out can't stop shaking what do I do?

[Madwomanuptheroad]

She needs to move out. Her wages will have to on things like rent, electric etc and she needs to grow up. I don't think the cannabis use is the central bit here. She needs to become herself and take responsibility for herself.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Could she do some sort of gap year abroad type thing or travelling? (not sure what's available these days especially with Brexit). I'm really cynical about not ever living away from home at this age, all the people I've met who have never lived away from home by their twenties have always come across as emotionally stunted and lacking in life experience.

[HeartbrokenMum]

Had a horrible night feel like a completely shit useless total failure of a mum.

More apologies from dd seemingly sincere but I have been a complete bloody mug and fallen for that before and it's like the minute I forgive she just goes right back to the crap behaviour

At this point as far as dd is concerned she doesn't know if I'm gonna let her come back home and so that's what's behind her being all nice and sorry and apologetic I don't think I'm explaining myself very well to you helpful people

So she thinks at the moment that I'm 'only' angry so she's maybe waiting on me calming down and thinking that like before once I've calmed down things will all just go back to normal I really really can't have that happen I can't cope with that something everything has got to change and a lot

[SnuggyBuggy]

I think you two need some distance.

[HeartbrokenMum]

I was dreading a reply like that though I think you're probably right I'm just scared it will lead to a permanent rift which is last thing I want I'm also angry at her for putting me and us in that position and possibly wrecking our relationship for good which until quite recently was fantastic to the point people even told us individually that they envied it and is how the hell did it go so wrong so quickly?

I don't want her to hate me I honestly could not bear that but I can't go on with things as they are either

[Oddsocksandmeatballs]

You are not a failure of a mum, honestly you are not, in many ways I think parenting teens is far harder than parenting a toddler. How about approaching an organisation like Ask Frank for support for you?

[justasking111]

I believe a developing brain can be seriously affected by cannabis use. Her friend has no idea how much she is really using. In the first instance Mum, phone the samaritans who will be able to advise you an put you in touch with an organisation for families who are suffering as you are.

[cstaff]

I hate these mothers who say things like "oh we're like sisters". Well that is not how a healthy mother daughter relationship should be.

So go be a good mother to her, put her right - this is what she needs now even if it feels wrong. Good guidance from her mum. The chances of a real fallout between mother and daughter are pretty slim. Not sure about you OP but me and my mum fought like hell all through my teens - I don't know how she stayed sane tbh coz there is no doubt that it was my hormonal fault - all of it.

You probably do need a break from each other right now but that is all it will be - a break.