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Can't understand or help 26 year old daughter

(36 Posts)
glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 16:31:44

I wonder if someone could offer some advice or perspective.

My 30 year old daughter married recently . A few months after the wedding she started saying she had made a mistake . They have now separated. No reason except she now says she doesn't like him

They had known each other for 7 years . How can it go wrong so suddenly

FrowningFlamingo Mon 04-Feb-19 16:37:54

You don't seem to know how old she is? Is she 26 or 30?
I've several friends whose partners have totally changed on marriage. It's like they think they've trapped them now and let their true colours show. That could be you daughter's partner - or your daughter of course!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 04-Feb-19 16:38:39

There could be a few reasons, which she may not want to divulge.

You don't need to know to support her.

Does she need to justify her feelings to anyone? Presumably she has told husband why she is leaving.

HollowTalk Mon 04-Feb-19 16:42:17

Just ask her! Go to see her and talk to her about it.

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 16:44:12

Sorry, that was a mistake - she is 30.

We are trying to be supportive . We know there may be reasons she doesn't want to describe but her attitude can come across as flippant . Her husband also wants to split . I just can't understand how things can change so fast. No violence / drugs / other person involved

Woohoo1 Mon 04-Feb-19 16:44:27

I’d be proud that she has made this decision, 26 or 30, life is too short to be with someone that you don’t want to be with.

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 16:46:16

Yes woo, I see that . But how does this happen? They wanted to be married only a matter of months ago.
I must be such a different generation .

Justmuddlingalong Mon 04-Feb-19 16:50:20

You keep asking the same question. No-one can answer that for you. There are a multitude of reasons, but if they both want to split, then the marriage sounds stone dead. She will appreciate your support, your hand wringing, maybe not so much.

Woohoo1 Mon 04-Feb-19 16:50:50

My best friend left her husband after the honeymoon!they both came back hating each other!! do they have Dc? If not it’s so much better to have a clean break.

Magicstar1 Mon 04-Feb-19 16:55:03

My friend was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. They got married and it made her realise what he was really like...the marriage only lasted for a few months.

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 16:56:28

No children thank goodness
I am hand wringing! Can't help it .

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 17:00:05

Thank you for all the responses
Magic , that is the sort of thing I've been trying to work out. If he's abusive , why marry ? If you marry and are happy ( they really were) , where does it go a few months later ?

I know you can't answer for my daughter ( and I have spoken to her and supported her but she's a closed book). People's stories of similar situations help .
I must have led a sheltered life .

HollowTalk Mon 04-Feb-19 17:03:07

I think you just have to be thankful that the marriage has ended before there are children involved and that there was no violence or infidelity.

namechangedforanon Mon 04-Feb-19 17:05:30

You probably don't know the full story by the sound of it...

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 17:07:29

Yes name,
That's what I'm thinking now

It's hard to help when you don't know the full story .

explodingkitten Mon 04-Feb-19 17:15:17

It sounds like she doesn't want to give the reason. Could be that one of them cheated or sexual abuse or something like that. It's probably too personal for her to say.

Quartz2208 Mon 04-Feb-19 17:17:36

They may well have realised that they met young and got a 7 year itch and wanted different things
One may have wanted children the other did not
They may have fallen out of love
They may be abuse involved

The question is though why does it matter to you - you dont need to know the full story to help

Hollowvictory Mon 04-Feb-19 17:19:09

Why is it hard to help without the story? She didn't like him, end of.dont be nosey. What help from you is she requesting?

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 17:21:42

She's depressed and I'm worried that is affecting her thinking.
She initiated the talk of separation and he eventually followed

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 17:22:23

Thank you everyone for replying . All your thoughts are helpful

Hollowvictory Mon 04-Feb-19 17:24:18

I would want my mum to give me a hug, ask what she could do to help and not pry or ask for reasons for the break up. Give love and support.

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 17:26:24

Thank you hollow

TheFormidableMrsC Mon 04-Feb-19 17:27:10

I did this when I was 23. Got married to a man I'd been with for the latter half of my teens. I knew I was making a mistake but huge wedding and a lot of expense for my parents and I simply couldn't back out. I really wish I had. We lasted just over a year. It's a much longer story but the truth is we had simply run our course, we were pressured into marrying and we should have been more outspoken. My Dad has since told me I could have cancelled at the church door and it would have been fine, but it's OK saying that after the event isn't it? Just be supportive and also be glad that she's not spending her life with the wrong person. I do realise it must be difficult for you flowers

Magicstar1 Mon 04-Feb-19 17:35:53

I didn’t know her at the time, but he would do things like sit her down for hours at night and tell her how useless she was, and everything that she was doing wrong. It was only after the wedding that she suddenly realised that it would bd like that for the rest of her life.

glasgowsunset Mon 04-Feb-19 17:38:24

Thank you so much for your story formidable.

I haven't given lots of details to keep my post short but we were careful to say at various points along the way re arrangements that it was fine to change your mind. I really meant it and she knew that .

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