18year old son makes me cry

(22 Posts)
Eyelashes21 Sat 26-Jan-19 15:12:00

I need desperate advise about my adult 18 year old son. I’m a single mother ( raised two babies alone) with a chronic debililating health condition-fibromyalgia and ME/CFS.

My adult 18 year old son constantly belittles me, criticises me and am walking on eggshells all the time, nothing ever good enough for him.

Example of the comments he makes-
he laughs and ridicules me over my health condition, saying how weak I am at this age, how would i be when elderly? He has come in my bedroom whilst I’m trying to survive, resting during the day and says, “it smells
Like someone’s died in here” ( I only missed
One daily shower, it didn’t smell), if I’m very rarely relaxing and am somehow able to keep my eyes open long enough, i’ll Watch half an hour of Netflix on Tv in my bedroom, he will say, “ you’ve got nothing better to do all day but watch TV”, he cruelly calls me fat, ugly and says I just eat and get fat! He yelled at me saying I have no success in life,
I have nothing to show for it, I’m a failure..when I asked him very kindly to help
Him prepare for his A levels ( I used to teach before becoming so sick), he’s got grade Us for his second year A levels as well. He doesn’t study at home and is addicted to the gym. I feel as though he is depressed but he doesn’t get help despite me trying so hard , I even got him counselling at school but he didn’t go. I can’t force him.

He shares his bedroom with his 17 year old brother,There room is constantly in a disgusting mess- clothes all over the floor including the landing and bathroom floor, he leaves his wet towels on the floor,mouldy food etc, rubbish on the floor such as empty yoghurt pots, rotting apple cores which is mainly my eldest sons mess ( 18 year old).

Worse of all, my 18 year old leaves his apple cores, banana peels on the floor of my living room, he leaves my kitchen an absolute mess - he can’t be bothered to dispose of the eggshells for example on the bin (12 eggs as his muscle building) I just dropped on the counter and even the floor— there’s a large BIN in the kitchen. He makes scrambled egg and leaves at least 4 pans that haven’t been washed in my kitchen to stink.

My arms can be extremely weak that even opening a water bottle is a struggle- I can’t pgysically scrub his pans and he leaves them for days..I can’t even make my self a fried egg as the pans need cleaning that I end up due to disgusting messin the kitchen not even eating but snacking on crisps or a sandwich.

Im finding it so hard to explain in words the agony I’m going through but the stress of dealing with him makes me very unwell. It makes my Fibromylagia and Me worse, I get very sick that includes fevers and chills constantly that I even delibaretly stay out and sit and rest in coffee shop for hours just to avoid coming home. I can’t even afford another single room just for myself to have a peaceful day.

Deep down he’s angry with his acne scars and the fact that he’s just not motivated to
study for his A levels. I have
Suggested apprentichip/ alternative courses including gym instructor:t
Or even going to work whatever makes him happy but nothing works on him. He is at a grammar school, he has seen all his friends do very well and are Going to uni but he feels very sad and takes all his anger out me. If he’s younger brother whose 17 comes home late or plays PlayStation,
My 18 year old is always having a go at me,
Everything my fault. He hates that I’m not rich so he says that I can’t afford a car for him. He always apologised afterwards but this keeps repeating again and again.

I’ve had enough and am
Constantly crying. I can’t cope. I love my son a lot but I’ve come to a stage where I can’t cope anymore. Please advise

OP’s posts: |
Eyelashes21 Sat 26-Jan-19 15:20:04

Continued from previous post..

He contributes to the mess in the house yet belittles me over it when he knows very well that I have to pace myself
And have very limited energy, I physically can’t clean up their mess. My father used to live with me and helped maintain the cleanliness but my dad was constantly emotionally abusing me as well so it seems as though my son has learnt this from his grandad although my dad was forced to leave four years a go ( had to get police involved)

OP’s posts: |
Itsallpointless Mon 28-Jan-19 22:51:53

You poor thing! I have had to contend with the filth and mess young adults make (you’ll find this is quite normal) but not with a debilitating illness.

For him to be at a grammar school, means he is fundamentally bright, but he is clearly not applying himself. This will lead to his frustration and taking it out on you.

You must not take any of this personally, it is his immaturity, it’s a tough time he’s going through. However, that doesn’t mean he can rule the roost. You have to find the energy to set some boundaries, very difficult I know, I am a single parent too and raising my son was very hard. Does he have contact with his dad? Boys do quite often need a male role model, is there anyone who can help with this? A teacher perhaps?

I wish I knew the answers, but you’re not alone. Being poorly makes it far more intolerable though.

Eyelashes21 Sun 03-Feb-19 00:43:24

Thank you for your very thoughtful and kind advise, it means a lot x

OP’s posts: |
Eyelashes21 Sun 03-Feb-19 00:48:16

Yes he does have a male mentor at school and does talk to his dad on whatsapp as he lives abroad. I hope it all worked out well with your son in the end? @itsallpointless!

OP’s posts: |
cauliflowersqueeze Sun 03-Feb-19 00:53:00

His behaviour is repulsive.
Can you tell his mentor about it - this might shame him. He’s bullying you and so far nobody is holding him to account.

Eyelashes21 Sun 03-Feb-19 21:11:02

Thank you for your reply,
“Cauliflowersquueze”, yes his behaviour is repulsive! I had almost emailed his mentor a photo of our living room and had been tempted to tell him how rude he is at home , as he’s such a “charming” and lovely boy at a school.

OP’s posts: |
cauliflowersqueeze Sun 03-Feb-19 22:53:37

Tell him. If he listens to the mentor so much the better. If not you have nothing to lose.

whiteworld Sun 03-Feb-19 22:56:31

Tell him to move out. He is absolutely disgusting - disrespectful, lazy, hateful, vile.

If he thinks it’s so easy to run a household, he can fuck off and find his own.

LooksLikeImStuckHere Sun 03-Feb-19 23:01:37

Just a thought, if he’s addicted to the gym, doing protein building etc. is it possible he is taking supplements that are contributing to his poor behaviour. Only that it’s really unnecessarily aggressive to you (I know very little about this area, so could be totally out of the ball park on this).

Are there particular times when he is at his worst?

I also think you ought to call a meeting with his mentor so that they know the whole picture.

HollowTalk Sun 03-Feb-19 23:10:41

I wondered about steroids, too.

I would speak to his mentor face to face. And I'd tell my son that he will have to look for somewhere else to stay in June, too. His behaviour's appalling.

HollowTalk Sun 03-Feb-19 23:12:16

Is there nothing that can be done about your health condition? It sounds awful.

ADarkandStormyKnight Sun 03-Feb-19 23:14:13

What’s his relationship like with his dad, eyelashes? And is your relationship such that his dad would have a word with him to support you?

This sort of thing is completely exhausting and can’t be helping your health. I really feel for you and just wanted to say that you are not alone.

HeavenlyEyes Mon 04-Feb-19 14:42:19

My love - he is abusing you. He needs to go.

And I also wondered about steroids too.

Eyelashes21 Tue 05-Feb-19 21:55:38

Thank you Whiteworld for your advise x

OP’s posts: |
Eyelashes21 Tue 05-Feb-19 21:58:36

Thank your hollowtalk for your advise. I had threatened to email his mentor but I stopped as he felt suicidal and was crying profusely over it. He doesn’t want any help in terms of counselling from school or refuses to see his GP for his depressive symptoms

OP’s posts: |
Eyelashes21 Tue 05-Feb-19 21:59:53

Thank you heavenlyeyes for your advise. No he isn’t on any steroids at all.

OP’s posts: |
Eyelashes21 Tue 05-Feb-19 22:01:58

Thank you for your advise “lookslikeimstuckhere”, he doesn’t take any steriods. I feel that he has an undiagnosed mental
Illness such as borderline personality disorder

OP’s posts: |
Eyelashes21 Tue 05-Feb-19 22:06:08

Hollowtalk- no there’s nothing I can do to control my symptoms but I do try my best to pace myself. Stress makes me very unwell sad

OP’s posts: |
Bouchie Tue 05-Feb-19 22:09:32

His behaviour is abhorrent and he needs to either sort it out or move out. Can you get any family counselling?
I have FM so understand the hell and the need for support. I have it under control now after years. I cut out gluten and used acupuncture. Well worth a go. I hope ypu find some help flowers

ADarkandStormyKnight Tue 05-Feb-19 23:02:25

He's 18 - and lots going on for him. I wouldn't be throwing him out - he's still at school!

KelvinHelmholtz Sat 06-Apr-19 11:46:45

The NHS can offer treatment if acne scarring causes severe psychological distress.

He could see his GP. Do tell him that emotional abuse - towards or from him - is unacceptable. Agree he does more cleaning and contributes.

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