Daughters new relationship with baggage, now she hates home.

[Bflat63]

My first post & I hope to find some advice to help me deal with the situation. My youngest daughter has just ended a 4 yr relationship which started just before she went to Uni. She said he wasn't adult enough, not helping with the chores, place always being a mess.They lived together for 3 yrs. She wasn't really happy the last year before the split. She had the chance to leave him after graduation but chose not to. She finally did 3months ago & moved back home. 2days later she was spending most of her night's away. 2weeks after that we found out that she has a new 'friend', he is 33, 11 years older than her, lives with is mum & a male lodger who has a 3year old child that stays 3times a week. The new boyfriend has an 8yr old son who has a benign brain tumour, cannot be operated on, is in a wheelchair & Is devolved as 4yr old. The child spends every weekend plus weds with his dad. Our daughter now works from home 8-5, the company sold the office a week after she moved back. She spends 3 evenings plus weekend with her BF. My husband & I dislike his demeanour, attitude things he says that you would not expect in polite conversation
i.e how his dad could't keep it in his pant, & when he has toothache he just takes pliers & pulls out his teeth, same with ingrown toenail. Also his joking at an airport because security thought he was Muslim so he was going to act like one..he is English but has olive skin & dark hair. We have only met him twice he came round for dinner. Our daughter kept emphasing that he wants to do things properly, my 91yr old mum who lives with us & being of different generation would certainly disapprove of the long greasy hair, scraggly long beard unkempt look.
After she started spending all her time away from home she did ask what we thought of him, she had picked up neg vibes.Both my husband & I feel the same, he has a lot of baggage for a relationship. Now our daughter doesnt go out shopping clothes or food, has stopped baking, all things she use to enjoy, feels like throwing her life away. We have another daughter 29 & an actor, living the dream with her 1st major role on tour. Our youngest has not even mentioned her new BF to her sister, maybe she knows her sister will disapprove. We do know that,to quote her sister, younger daughter hates living back at home tho she has never said that to us. So that's the situation. It seems like we just exchange small talk. I have a spinal cord tumour which limits my ability to stand & cook or do household chores shopping . I am so lucky to have a supportive husband & when my eldest visits she is a great help. With Christmas coming my brothers & sister will be coming to stay & help out. Daughters previous Bf used to join us but we really do not want this one to. It's also younger daughter's birthday next week & she has not responded to my queries as to what she would like to do..not even tempted by my offer of spa day. So that is my situation, as 55yr old parents with a daughter seeing someone who we feel has too much baggage for a relationship, with his attitude, personality & son. Also this relationship seems so soon after the previous one, almost overlapping. Our daughter hates living at home & we don't know why, & Christmas is round the corner. Any advice as how to deal with all of this would be gratefully received.

[Upoverunder]

Gosh, my specialist subject. My daughter shacked up with someone undesirable and we disliked him from day 1.

We made our feelings known but to be honest, it just drove a wedge between us.

What I learned is that you're not going to put her off seeing him but you do need to put some clear boundaries in place. If you don't like him, don't allow him to visit.

Tell your daughter that you accept her choice but you don't agree with it.

Protect your relationship with her, but keep the bf at arms length.

You can't stop them falling, your job is to catch them when they do.

Good luck, hope it works out.

[stayathomegardener]

His poor son.
And he clearly steps up to care for him are you sure he is all bad? Your Dd must see something in him.

[Bflat63]

Thank you, some one else said something similar

[Bflat63]

Thanks for your comments stayathomegardener. I think it all seems so soon after her last relationship, and she seems so young to take on a child with this illness. Plus his other traits.Yes true he has not turned his back on his responsibility.
It's been helpful being able to put this out there.

[Urbanbeetler]

Sometimes people chose partners who fulfil a need to be needed in them. Maybe your daughter on some level feels overshadowed by her sister and wants to feel needed? Not sure what you can do about it, but you could gently bring it up if you think that may be the case.