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Will we ever get our peace?

(8 Posts)
Beyondbelief16 Mon 26-Nov-18 08:58:23

Long story short. Our youngest child moved out 18 months ago and after 30 years of parenting, we finally got to live alone.

I have to say, we never thought it would be so good. Tidy, no lights left on, no slamming doors etc. Do what we want when we want etc.

Unfortunately, one of our children's marriage ended recently and she asked if she could move back in with our 6yo grand child until she got herself sorted.

We've always said our kids will always have somewhere to stay in their hour of need and parenting lasts forever. We'd always help when needed.

Trouble is, we've since found out she's up to her eyeballs in debt and it will take at least 2 years to clear.

We really want to help to get her back on her feet, debt free so have paid it off for her (£20k) and said she has to pay us back from the money she saves from not having her own living expenses (£1k) per month.

We love her and our Grandchild dearly but we don't know if we can go back to living long term having a 6yo running round the house. We're also getting roped into child care of on days off and running around at the weekend.

Don't want to appear to being selfish, but we've raised our children and don't want to start raising more. We want to enjoy a quieter life and do the things we want to do.

We just feel so guilty for feeling this way.

Are we being terrible parents??

OP’s posts: |
Sunhill4 Mon 26-Nov-18 09:17:00

You are not at all being terrible parents. The last of our 3 children moved out in February and i totally understand how you feel. It is wonderful being a couple again and having the house to ourselves. Sex in the middle of the day anywhere in the house!! Having said all this, i don't know what the answer for you is if your daughter has nowhere else to go. You can't see them homeless. I do worry if one day 1 or all of mine might need to come back. I never expected to feel like this.

Happify Mon 26-Nov-18 10:01:36

Watching with interest. How old are your children? How old is the daughter who has moved in, and is she married (hence wanting to start a divorce which will be expensive)? Does the child’s father visit?

The money you gave - was it her debt or her ex partners? Did you insist on seeing all the documents which showed the debt?

It’s a lot of questions sorry, but I suppose what your daughter’s problems are, is relevant. As is the house set up. If they had the nanny quarters at the bottom of the garden - that might be easier, but if they’re just in the bedroom on your landing, and sharing all of your space - ugh, hats off to you I don’t think I would be able to agree to it!

My hubby says Mother Nature solves things by making the children want to leave and parents ready to let them go.

General advice is that you set out house rules. You have about the repayment of the loan.

Is she also paying rent and food bills? I hope she has a good job and/or maintenance and that she can commit to paying what is due for two years.

A lot changes in two years after a break up. It might feel that your house is not your own and that you have little choice. But you do have choice and control. It’s a case of communication and formalising the arrangements to a way that suits you. flowers

Aquamarine1029 Thu 29-Nov-18 21:35:03

You're not selfish at all. Your daughter is an adult, let her deal with her own affairs.

LadyKalila Thu 07-Feb-19 14:45:51

Its or that easy, when you're a parent you're always a parent.

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 07-Feb-19 14:52:45

Unless she has been financially abused by her husband she cannot manage money. I know you have already paid off her debts but now you need to help her learn how to manage money or she will get into debt again.

I think you need to be very clear about how much childcare you will provide, she is an adult and a parent and you can support her but only so much or she won't be able to move forward. And when she moves out you need to downsize.

Bluebell9 Thu 07-Feb-19 15:19:48

Have you spoken to her and explained that she is always welcome at home and but you arent free childcare or able to spend your time running round after her, as you still have your own lives to live?

I moved back in with my parents after a split when I was 26, although I was only there for less than a year, I tried be as considerate as possible, cooking for them, making sure I cleared up after myself etc.

jinglewithbellson Thu 07-Feb-19 15:21:33

The joys of parenting adults confused

After nearly 12 months of allowing ds gf to stay three nights a week (at one point it was 5 without even asking shock) we've had to put our foot down and limit it to one night a week during the week.
With two younger dc and two full on full time jobs we seem to have totally lost all chance of the time or option to even sit and watch a film without having to pause it at least four times while they are in and out bumbling around shock

Added that they aren't always the most considerate (although not deliberate)just unaware we end up tidying up after them and nagging at them to tidy after themselves,stop leaving towels on floor ,dishes in rooms etc etc.
Our lovely home we have created feels like a hotel and like our privacy and time isn't even considered confused

Having put our foot down and discussing it like adults ds has taken a disliking to it and we've had two weeks of him not being at home much and not having much contact.

It's kept me awake at night due to the emotional card he seems to be playing at the moment about how we don't understand they want to be together all the time etc etc so I just keep reminding him in that case as an adult earning decent money he needs to get a place of his own.
My house is already full and it's our sanctuary. You'd think we'd said she was never to appear ever again the way he's carried on.

We make her very welcome and arrange to do things with them both when we are all off as we really like her.

Sorry for jumping on op it's just your thread makes me realise it's not just me that finds adult dc a worry or difficult

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