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Will we ever get our peace?

(4 Posts)
Beyondbelief16 Mon 26-Nov-18 08:58:23

Long story short. Our youngest child moved out 18 months ago and after 30 years of parenting, we finally got to live alone.

I have to say, we never thought it would be so good. Tidy, no lights left on, no slamming doors etc. Do what we want when we want etc.

Unfortunately, one of our children's marriage ended recently and she asked if she could move back in with our 6yo grand child until she got herself sorted.

We've always said our kids will always have somewhere to stay in their hour of need and parenting lasts forever. We'd always help when needed.

Trouble is, we've since found out she's up to her eyeballs in debt and it will take at least 2 years to clear.

We really want to help to get her back on her feet, debt free so have paid it off for her (£20k) and said she has to pay us back from the money she saves from not having her own living expenses (£1k) per month.

We love her and our Grandchild dearly but we don't know if we can go back to living long term having a 6yo running round the house. We're also getting roped into child care of on days off and running around at the weekend.

Don't want to appear to being selfish, but we've raised our children and don't want to start raising more. We want to enjoy a quieter life and do the things we want to do.

We just feel so guilty for feeling this way.

Are we being terrible parents??

Sunhill4 Mon 26-Nov-18 09:17:00

You are not at all being terrible parents. The last of our 3 children moved out in February and i totally understand how you feel. It is wonderful being a couple again and having the house to ourselves. Sex in the middle of the day anywhere in the house!! Having said all this, i don't know what the answer for you is if your daughter has nowhere else to go. You can't see them homeless. I do worry if one day 1 or all of mine might need to come back. I never expected to feel like this.

Happify Mon 26-Nov-18 10:01:36

Watching with interest. How old are your children? How old is the daughter who has moved in, and is she married (hence wanting to start a divorce which will be expensive)? Does the child’s father visit?

The money you gave - was it her debt or her ex partners? Did you insist on seeing all the documents which showed the debt?

It’s a lot of questions sorry, but I suppose what your daughter’s problems are, is relevant. As is the house set up. If they had the nanny quarters at the bottom of the garden - that might be easier, but if they’re just in the bedroom on your landing, and sharing all of your space - ugh, hats off to you I don’t think I would be able to agree to it!

My hubby says Mother Nature solves things by making the children want to leave and parents ready to let them go.

General advice is that you set out house rules. You have about the repayment of the loan.

Is she also paying rent and food bills? I hope she has a good job and/or maintenance and that she can commit to paying what is due for two years.

A lot changes in two years after a break up. It might feel that your house is not your own and that you have little choice. But you do have choice and control. It’s a case of communication and formalising the arrangements to a way that suits you. flowers

Aquamarine1029 Thu 29-Nov-18 21:35:03

You're not selfish at all. Your daughter is an adult, let her deal with her own affairs.

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