19 year old son, driving us crazy!

[JboM]

Hey all I wouldn't mind some advice, my 19 year old son from my previous marriage lives with me my husband and our 2 children aged 3 and 7, I feel guilty about this post but he's driving us crazy, he treats our house like a dumpster, comes and goes at all times of the night and talks to us like we're servants, he treats his younger siblings terribly shouts at them and doesn't care when he uses foul language and listening to rap music with racially inappropriate language in them, I am constantly in a battle with him to which he replies "grow up" I'm at my wit's end. Any advice on how to try and get him to understand we all have to live here together and his behaviour isn't acceptable? I was making excuses for him to my husband whi was saying he's got to go, that he's here and saving to move out which he was but I've recently discovered he's also spent all of his savings 🙈🙈

[Japonicaisstillahorsygirl]

I think you need to sit him down and give him ground rules. If he doesn’t want to be considerate and respectful then he should move out.

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Could he live with his dad?

What does he do? Work? Study?

[Parky04]

Does he work? Who does his laundry/cooking?

[NerrSnerr]

Does he work? If he doesn't he'll have to get a job and move into a house share if he can't live by the rules.

You have a duty to protect your young children.

[JboM]

Yes he works full time, won't go to live with his dad as he doesn't like his partner, I really don't want him to go I just want him to give us and his siblings so e degree of respect I don't think it's too much to ask for! I do his washing, I cook for him, I even get him things from the shops if and when he needs them, I wait in for his online shopping deliveries coming, we lend him money if he's stuck but he's still treating us like we owe him something 🙈

[NerrSnerr]

If you're doing everything for him and don't want him to go he has no incentive to behave better. The more you give the more you take.

Your younger children have no choice where they live. It would be really unfair to continue to let them be shouted at and exposed to inappropriate stuff because you don't want your adult son to move out.

[NerrSnerr]

The more you give the more he'll take. That's what it's supposed to say.

[JboM]

I knew all over these things coming into putting my post up I think I just needed a bit of back up I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing by my children but yeah it's going to be a sorry but it's my way or the highway chat this weekend, thank you all for ur time and constructive comments

[Prettyvase]

Why do you do everything for him op?

I thought being a parent was to help your DC grow up to be independent, responsible, respectful, kind and thoughtful young people with good social skills?

That healthy, caring and loving relationships involve give and take?

Why are you treating your 19 year old like a helpless toddler? If you treat him like a helpless toddler he will behave like one!

As soon as your child is out of nappies they learn to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, yes?

That is at the same time they learn to clean their teeth and follow you around wanting to help you so you encourage them with little jobs like giving them a mop etc, yes?

This then turns into helping around the house as part of being a family team member: learning to make their own bed, vacuum, load/ empty dishwasher, yes?

Some DC also know how to turn on the washing machine and hang out laundry as it is all part of learning life skills isn't it?

It is all part of teaching DC responsibility and we know that we get a sense of achievement from the success of being given responsibilities.

Everyone knows how happy a child is when they can do things for themselves like ride a bike, do up their shoe laces etc.

It's the same for being able to do all life skills especially when given praise and encouragement: making a cup of tea for someone if someone is tired, or a simple meal from scratch, knowing how to drive a car etc etc

These are all important things one needs to know and learn to become a responsible, reliable, kind and thoughtful and successful young person with good self esteem.

When was the last time your son made you a cup of tea because he saw you were tired? Or offered to babysit?

If you constantly "baby" a person you are not giving them the chance to gain self confidence by being able to fend for
or do things for themselves or others.

If you are kind, expect kindness in return or you will gain no respect and people will take you for granted.

Healthy relationships involve give and take. What you have written is you giving, giving, giving and he is just take take take.

Your dynamic is dysfunctional and toxic.

You have not taught your son to be kind, thoughtful or responsible.

You need to go back to basics in a kind and caring way, not a punishing, angry way as it's not his fault you have allowed him to treat you as a servant or your house as a hotel. You have enabled that!

Don't cook for him, clean up for him or do his laundry but kindly but firmly teach him how.

Keep your sense of humour because his first attempts at cooking, doing the laundry etc may not be as high a standard as you could do yourself but don't ridicule him or discourage him.

One day he will fly the nest and may even live with a partner so make sure he knows how to pull his weight around the home ( and garden) ok?

Otherwise your legacy will be of having brought up a useless, misogynistic, lazy slob and you wouldn't want that would you?

[Singlenotsingle]

Really, he has to go! I don't usually say that cos I know how hard it is, but he's ruining all your lives. I expect he knows he has to behave at his dad's which is why he won't go there. Put all his stuff in bin bags and deliver it to his df.

[Monday55]

This is the type of behaviour you nip in the bud when the child is around 5/6years old in teaching them respect and house rules. You really can't teach an old dog new tricks. only way would be to kick him out as I doubt he'll ever change.

[gladstonefive]

It will end OP. Although I did have this with DS when he was 14- taking drugs, sneaking out at night drinking, stealing money.

RE his savings- nothing you can do. If I had access to savings at that age it probably would of been spent on nights out, makeup and clothes. If you have similar savings for your DC stop saving it into a children’s ISA (assuming that’s what you have done) and put it into savings in your own name- then you have control of when they will get access to it and what it’s spent on.
We have them for our D.C.- a lot of DS has been spent on the fuck ups he made, some went of driving lessons and a car and the rest we will give him to pay off some of his student debt when he finishes university.

Stop letting him treat you like a slave- I bet you are doing his laundry and cooking his food? Stop. When he starts respecting you, start again. Throw clothes out when they start growing their own life form if they are in communal spaces, what’s in his bedroom is none of your concern as he is an adult.
Unplug his stereo, his computer or whatever and say when he starts paying to use them- he can have them.

I’m not for making teens and YAs pay their way when they live at home but I feel more strongly about people taking the piss.

The fact is OP unless YOU make changes he won’t. Nobody would.

[user1457017537]

Mother of two grown up sons here. Your DS is your first born. I wouldn’t ask him to leave and any DP who wanted my son to leave would be shown the door himself. Your son works, so continue to support him when necessary. I would get DP to mind your younger children and go for lunch with DS. Talk to him. Communicate. How old was he when you got with your partner. Reconnect with him and ask for his help with the younger siblings and ask him not to play music with offensive words they can copy. He still needs you don’t turn against him.

[JARA123]

Oh my god
I totally agree with "prettyvase"
Everything they've said is correct,
Very important to remember is
You have to start with basics like when he yells to his step siblings you turn around and say " there's no need to yell, you'll frighten them and they won't understand what you're saying, try and talk to them in a calm manner and they'll listen" ect, and then you turn away from him
Whether he listens or not you have to start being firm
But
Not ALL AT ONCE that is what they hate and don't understand at all ,they feel victimised
Remember, hormones are real
He could be feeling anxious, stressed, frustrated ect
But he will be too manly ( lol , I know ) to admit it
They need love reassurance and guidance and believe it or not, they like rules
You have to be sooo patient
But
Throwing him out will never solve it
That's like you running away
He's a sheep
And you're the shepherd
Parenting was never easy
But
Eventually, you will see improvement
Tell everyone to give him RESPECT,
don't yell or swear to him
Tell your partner also
This is very important
And then slowly lay down the rules through practice
Start voicing your emotions
All of you
Even the kids
They can start saying,"we were very upset by that comment you made" ect
He will act all tough but then he'll start thinking about what you guys have said ect
Also
Do lots of things as a family so when he enters you can say " oh do and so, do you want to join us" playing board games or eating ect
He will notice that you all want him as part of the family ect
I think the first thing everyone will automatically say is throw him out
But
understand him
be firm
Loving
Caring
Respectfull
Treat him equally
And slowly things will change
All the best to one and all
Trust me my sweets, it's hard work in this day and age, sometimes we get it wrong, sometimes we copy other parents because they have " good " children
But
All children are " good"
Becoming mature can happen at 19, or 25 or 35
Everyone's different and life experiences also make a difference
Love and hugs to all parents and children
Xxxxxxxxx