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What to do....?

(2 Posts)
juztme Thu 01-Nov-18 06:41:19

I have no one who understands my problem and would love to talk with someone who else who actually "gets it". I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I have an adult child who is almost 32. My kid was and is a sensitive child. I wasn't married to the father, broke up w him when we were engaged due to some extreme lies and learning he had been lying to me about many things. He was not involved in my kid's life. I provided an excellent income but I worked too much, had a bad relationship that lasted 3 years that sucked for my child from age 11-13. For some reason, my kid has always struggled with confidence. In addition my kid seems a little emotionally immature and makes poor decisions, seems to not take possible consequences seriously, and just doesn't seem to really "pay attention" to daily life... my child is depressed and gets stressed out at the drop of a hat. Maintaining jobs have always been a problem. My kid is verbally self abusive at times and struggles to think positive whatsoever. Without insurance, my kid can't afford a good therapist, (the ones covered by the gov health plan are worthless). I have paid for therapy at times, but "going" doesn't always last and I'm not always convinces that "full disclosure" actually happens in these sessions. So - I've used gender neutral terms to lead up to today - my daughter is now a son. He married a young lady two years ago, she is 7 years younger and also immature with some issues. (Oh my son wont drive, he has been in car accidents and has always had a fear of driving). She drives and she maintains a massage therapist job, but is terrible with money. They have not maintained their own place. They lived w my mom for two years and then moved into an apt with a roomie. The roomie thing wasn't working and now they are in my house. I am spending so much money on them being here - my son hasn't gotten a job yet and is waiting for a legal name change to go through on his SS card and the wife is so lazy! She doesn't do anything but eat and sit when she isn't at work. My son sleeps most of the day and says it is due to depression. I've gotten $250 from them since The beginning of Sept. My son helps around the house and outside a bit. He just started taking Lexapro. The wife took 2 extra days off this week to go see friends when they are struggling with money. My son gets upset at me when I question anything about their choices. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home. I get so frustrated when I go in the kitchen and see dirty dishes, crumbs on the counters and the food going faster than I can fill it. I get upset when I keep asking for the light/fan to be turned off in their bedroom when they aren't in there...and an array of other things... They think I'm a nitpicker and act OCD. I'm my child's mom... I have massive guilt about getting lost in my job when he was little and even more guilt about getting into a relationship that was bad for him and for moving too many times. I blame part of his issues on myself and I think that some are due to bad dna from the father, (some of the issues are similar to his father's issues). I worry about him a lot! Even more so now with this gender thing! I can't handle the idea of him being in a bad or unsafe place... I let them move in for free in August, they paid nothing in Sept, they were supposed to give me $500 in October but his wife said she only had $250, which I basically spent on my son for a couple of things he needed help with). I'm anticipating she is going to try that again for Nov. I am not okay with that and will explain to her that $500 a month is basically allowing my son to be here for free. They eat my food and raise the utility bills. He needs to get a job and she needs to clean up after herself. Honestly, I have started disliking his wife and I am getting depressed and feel like a dark cloud is hanging over me more and more... I'm frustrated and unhappy... but I want to know my son is safe and don't want him on the street. I'm scared to come right out and lay it on the line because I am not sure I can handle him going to her nasty mother's house. Her mom lives in filth in bad area. (I'm not exaggerating that.) ...and then he does something really sweet, like right now, he made cookies and brought me a couple to my room. I love my kid so much, I just don't know how to help fix things... I'm on my way to being a lonely, depressed old woman taking care of her grown son and scared of whether or not he will be okay when I'm gone.

madyogafan Fri 02-Nov-18 13:10:51

This sounds very difficult for you and there are clearly some complex issues going on with your son. It seems that for whatever reason, be it mental health related or something else, that he doesn't share the same values as you/ doesn't want to live the way you do.

I have similar issues with my daughter at the moment.....I have tried to change her ways and offered lots of help but have come to the realisation that I can't change how she behaves so I have to change the way I react. This is not easy!!

My daughter doesn't live at home now and probably won't in future unless it is very temporary but I will always try to ensure she has somewhere safe to live. She will, however, live in a dirty and disorganised mess I imagine. I find that very upsetting but ultimately its her choice.

You have given your son a lot of support and it seems he chooses to live the way he does. I think it would be entirely reasonable for you to explain you don't want to live like this to your son. Maybe say you will help him find alternative accommodation and then leave him to it! If he ends up with his mother in law it will probably not bother him that much and would it be that bad? Maybe he wants to live like she does?

Ultimately he is an adult and has to make his own choices. Life is short and I think you should look after yourself-selfish as it sounds.

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