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stressed by 17 & 19 yr olds

(28 Posts)
thinkimtrying Thu 18-Oct-18 15:32:10

i am fed up of the swearing, arrogance, disrespect, laziness being shown by our children. we also have a 12 year old and the older 2 undermine the boundaries we try to set up for him.

i have asked them to leave but they would not! really stressful i have thought of going myself ...

thinkimtrying Fri 22-Mar-19 23:43:30


it's case to case basis but we are all entitled to say "enough"

i'm trying v hard to depart from my "family always stays together" motto because there comes a time it's best to live separate - when there's no respect, when you're tiptoeing in your own home, when there's aggression. we will always love our kids and they are always welcome if they adhere to reasonable house rules. we love them that's why we need to let them go & by doing so they'll hopefully learn. some kids choose to learn the easy way, some choose the hard way unfortunately.

so be it que sera sera God bless them.

hope it's nice & calm your end

thinkimtrying Fri 22-Mar-19 23:34:05


how are you?

i didn't go in the end, hubby reminded me it's giving in to them if i did. he's right on this one. but he did not want them to be kicked out either - he's wrong on this.

how are you doing? as much as we value our family we do need to keep distance from toxic relationships - for everybody's sake.

Staringcoat Tue 13-Nov-18 10:07:47

<argh sorry didn't mean to kill the thread> blush

Staringcoat Tue 13-Nov-18 00:07:08

sense of entitlement?

Staringcoat Tue 13-Nov-18 00:06:34

Also meant to add that I think our parenting is more hands on nowsdays than it ever was, whereas in the seventies, I think a lot of parents adopted the "benign neglect" approach. Maybe this is also adding to our DC's sees of entitlement?

Sorry, rambling with no answers, just wondering about causes. And knowing the cause doesn't necessarily make it any easier to live with flowers

Staringcoat Tue 13-Nov-18 00:00:37

I came on here because my 15 yr old and I are clashing quite a bit ATM. Was hoping things would be better by the time she is 17/19 yrs of age so am a bit dismayed to read all of this but very sympathetic to everyone who is finding life with their offspring tough going currently flowers. My sister went through similar things with her son and found it very difficult.

(Genuine question) are people seriously considering moving out of their own homes because of their teens behaviour? Surely this is madness/the wrong way around? Also, if that happens, their behaviour is not confronted?

I'm interested in what one pp said about the causes of this too. I reckon phones and tech in general have a lot to answer for. Tap a button on your phone, and the world is at your finger tips. It's all too easy! No effort required. And no necessity to negotiate, interact face to face with others, or consider anyone else or their feelings. It also requires no physical effort.

Another factor perhaps is the way our collective parenting style has evolved over the years? When I was brought up in the late 60s/70s my parents definitely ruled the roost and made the decisions unilaterally. We obeyed out of fear of the consequences if we failed to do something. As a pp said, I couldn't wait to get away to university! Whilst I think most parents wouldn't want to raise their DC like that nowadays and we involve our DC much more in decision-making and are more collaborative in our approach which is good, maybe this has led in turn to our teens feeling more entitled about their home and how they live in them. Who knows?!

buckingfrolicks Mon 12-Nov-18 23:33:35

op i have been in your shoes. I too left. Have been away from the family home for 7 months, just bought my own house. My DD is living away and has a good relationship with me. My DS hates me and has said I'm dead to him. He is still in touch with his (lovely but enabling and over protective DF) and now at uni. Living away frim my DP (their dad) has helped our own relationship enormously. But I'm so sad and hurt and angry that those years of decent parenting, have ended up like this. Possibly never to see DS again. The last year of our all living together was horrendous - exactly as you describe - and I bore the brunt of everyone's unhappiness. I'm so sorry. Do feel free to pm me.

thinkimtrying Fri 26-Oct-18 23:34:52

i've had enough and will be looking for a rental place myself. it's breaking my heart to even think about it but hubby does not support me it's too much i need time away. thanks for all your support

thinkimtrying Fri 19-Oct-18 09:53:28


i know seems harsh. but the 17 year old keeps complaning she's too stressed in the house so she goes partying. we really do encourage them to have a social life weekends as long as they've cleaned after themselves and a chore a day but ... would even leave washing up for us & gets mouthy when see i always raised them up assuring they are most welcome as long as they respect our boundaries...but i think enough is enough they need to learn how to stick to their part of the agreement

i had it real hard as we were poor but i learnt to work hard & finish a degree.

thinkimtrying Fri 19-Oct-18 09:46:31

ok...let's inhale...exhale...we all need it peeps

CantWaitToRetire Fri 19-Oct-18 08:59:55

I clicked on this because I too have teens of 17 and 19 and find them a challenge at times. Mine are both working, but very low wages so can't afford to move out yet. The 17yo is easier to get on with. She works long hours and travels to the city each day, but she gets very tired and can be snappy and irritable at times. She's also very messy and doesn't help out with chores. My 19yo works locally but took forever and much nagging to get a job and after 2 months she hates it and wants to quit. She spends every evening and all weekend at her boyfriends house, so she also is not helping at home. She's also gone from being quite a shy, quiet girl into a more confident, mouthy brat. I wish I had all the answers for you, but really responded to say you're not alone.

Miggeldy Fri 19-Oct-18 08:43:16

No one said to turf out the younger ingnoramous. And seeing as the 19 year old knows it all, getting a job should be no bother. Sometimes ignorant teenagers need a good hard kick up the arse.

boux Fri 19-Oct-18 08:00:38

Why would you kick your 17 year old out when they are still in school and doing their A levels? Seems very harsh.
I wouldn't be kicking the 19 year old out either but they would need to get a job.

thinkimtrying Fri 19-Oct-18 01:05:29

time to let them be responsible for their actions and face real life

thinkimtrying Fri 19-Oct-18 01:03:59


now you mention it, yes wifi has been a very big factor in deterioration of behaviour here! and ps4, and youtube! i have always tried to limit but then they got phones - total downhill for us.

we've had family meetings about limitations / boundaries but so far the 17 & 19 year old just can't help it, even run a 3-figure bill! the 12 yr old obviously feels victimised and continue to push his luck.

you're right, time to

Miggeldy Thu 18-Oct-18 23:58:22

Throw the 19 year old out. Bag up all his stuff and put in the front garden gate and change the locks. And turn off the Wi-Fi and hide the code. Sit the younger one down with your dp and tell them it's your way or the highway. No more Wi-Fi, money treats or nice food ever till they stop being such pricks.

thinkimtrying Thu 18-Oct-18 23:52:26

another stressful evening - oh well seems to be the norm these days gulp

we discussed renting a place for the two 6 months ago - give everybody a space to relax/re-think/respite but no they don't want to - i'm evil for even thinking about it & all the guilt-trip being thrown at us (me particularly the evil witch/bitch coz hubby is so over-bearing).

c'mon i don't understand kids these days. if that was my parents offer i would have embraced them/THANK YOU and jump around crying "freedommm / paarttyyy"

i would have gladly taken on cleaning jobs just to escape but no, my lovely kids thinks cleaning/tills/shop floors are beyond them! they want fun jobs or maybe banking!

well this evening we told them since things have got worst they need to find a place we are not brave enough to change the locks & leave them out - we'll help them max 3 months rent (hubby whispered 6 i told him shhh).

this is really cruel but as we explained to them we all deserve to enjoy our lives. maybe we can have saturday/sunday dinners together here. they obviously did not take it well - shouting, slamming doors, gone to friend's! i still don't's the fact they need to do shopping & washing up & cleaning & look for a job?!

ww3 here God help us all!

notangelinajolie Thu 18-Oct-18 21:24:47

We were down to one and now there are three again. The aim is to help them save up for a deposit rather than throw money at rent. The transition from adult/child happy family to adult/young adult moody lodgers has been interesting. Yes to tension - I'm sure they feel it too.

We will get there in the end ... as I'm sure you will flowerswine

BigGreenOlives Thu 18-Oct-18 16:26:14

Maybe the 17 yo is stressed about their UCAS form application? Personal statement & choosing courses/unis could be getting to them? Also worrying they are going to make the wrong choice as their old sibling chose not to go. My 17 yo (have 3 children) said that this half term has been very angsty.

thinkimtrying Thu 18-Oct-18 16:23:48


the 17 year old's finishing A-levels. bright but that attitude and mouth! planning of going to uni but i don't think i can bear another year anymore.

yes, hubby is really struggling too.

BigGreenOlives Thu 18-Oct-18 16:22:27

I hope that your 19 year old works out what they'd like to do, maybe they could save up & go travelling for a few months.

notangelinajolie I know they come back but I enjoy their absence. I'm encouraging one to do a masters next year rather than come back home...

thinkimtrying hope they move on soon, or at least grow up a bit. I was talking to a friend yesterday about how much harder it is when unhappy young adults are at home.

Before those with toddlers start telling us how lucky we are and how we should be grateful they want to spend time with us, I know and I appreciate things could be worse.

thinkimtrying Thu 18-Oct-18 15:58:28


i assume yours have come back?

at least you had some respite for a couple of days/months or so.

the most difficult is the daily tension i'm not able to enjoy my home anymore.

can't they feel the tension? why can't they just go live independently they can make their own rules

thinkimtrying Thu 18-Oct-18 15:54:38

thank you very much for the replies, really helps my feelings of guilt and despair. didn't expect to have such ungrateful kids. hurts big time when you really try your best and all you get is mockery

thinkimtrying Thu 18-Oct-18 15:52:07


wow good for you!

19 year old withdraw uni offer as he's not sure what subject to take and he does not want to have debt unless he's sure about what he wants to do (he can be sensible)

gosh it really hurts!

RatherBeRiding Thu 18-Oct-18 15:39:00

Is the 17 year old still at school? As for the 19 year old - she or he is an adult and if they don't like living by your house rules then you really must ask them to leave.

Does he/she work? If they did leave, do they realistically have the means to support themselves living elsewhere, or are they living with you free gratis and still behaving badly?

Is their father on the scene - you mentioned a 12 year old?

I guess you could pack their stuff, leave it outside and change the locks, but that could well destroy any relationship you have with them.

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