My teenage twins are making my life a misery

[Lifeisjustpoo]

I’m so ashamed to say this but after years and years of perseverance I just can’t take anymore I have now come to a point we’re i no longer can tolerate my eldest childrens behaviour and it’s getting increasingly more difficult for them to remain in the family home.
I have twins they are 17 both boys, for years they have been disrespectful, nasty, ungrateful, rude and aggressive all aimed at me and at times each other.
I’m a single mum and I also have three other children aged 13, 11 and 4, two of my children have a disability so life can be challenging at times.
So where to start....well my twins have never been model kids but that hasn’t ever made me love them any less or give up on them however this past couple of years their behaviour towards me has become worse and worse.
They tell me on a daily basis I’m a lazy fat b even thou I work six days a week, I’m a useless mother however I have always and I mean always supported them and gave them love and attention all their lives, they say I’m a tramp but I pay all my rent, bills and feed my kids independently, they call me ever name under the sun imaginable and constantly remind me of what a bad job I am doing being a mum.
They get arrested on a regular basis never anything major but still i don’t for a second think it’s acceptable to be like that and I always give them consequences for their actions....it’s so frustrating because they are worth so much more than this but they just don’t care.
I have had to move several times because everyone judges me and hates me because of them shouting and screaming and swearing it’s so embarrassing and for me it’s humiliating that others think of me and my kids like that.
My home is not mine anymore or the youger ones home it is their home Well that’s what they think anyway and it is literally like I have two husbands that think they can boss me around and tell me what to do and when it’s an absolute joke and so draining and mentally exhausting. They basically are bullies.
They are aggressive and at times I have had to separate them from each other punching and kicking one another I just don’t get it how they can be like that to each other.
I have asked and gratefully had help from family solutions, social services and even mind and I have worked so hard to implement changes and strategies but nothing gets better nothing changes.
I had a complete mental breakdown two years ago where for a long time I struggled to find there being any reason for me to even be alive anymore thankfully I realised that without me my children would have no one that’s all that kept me going and in time I got better.
I love all my children so much and I am a good mum but I just look in the mirror and all I see is a deflated person struggling to exist from day to day smiling on the outside to everybody but inside I’m just dying.
It has now got to the point where my poor younger children are getting upset with the twins behaviour and it is affecting them they hate the arguing, swearing and aggression I just don’t know what else to do except ask them to leave the family home.
It makes me feel like a complete useless human being because I can’t guide or control two 17 year olds I felt so blessed to be given twins and the future in my head I had for them as baby’s in my arms is nothing like the reality of what they are today.
If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful...please remember I am a mum trying the hardest i possibly can so please stay positive if commenting as negativity doesn’t ever help...thanks

[buckingfrolicks]

That sounds utterly appalling, I'm so sorry. I think you're getting to the point where you need to talk to them about their plans for leaving home at 18. Make it matter of fact. They'll be adults in x months, and will doubtless as young men not want to live with mum. So what are their plans?

If they don't make plans to leave, then I think you're perfectly entitled to say "time to fly the nest, lads".

[Ginsodden]

How awful for you, day to day life must be so hard. They are obviously not happy either. Happy, confident people don’t treat others this way. Have they had any scary experiences growing up that may have affected their developing relationships?

Do your local childrens’ service provide any non-violent resistance courses? Or any courses specifically aimed at child to parent violence? Google it, it’s the only thing I’ve known to work in these circumstances. I don’t think they will leave willingly ... 😞

Holes in the wall is a good website.

[greenlanes]

I find this lady's page quite helpful: www.facebook.com/thespecialparentshandbook/?hc_ref=ARQqXO_HvHrrTA2lJZCz3DKejxPaFJS6SJ2NxUXr47ih8snUYTVwoPJCk_OqHOIi8X8&fref=nf&xts[0]=68.ARBav-eHaONtFgf0mFiGm3KdRcNwQpRjoxsra_qzIRNzxJsGmicg5fnx9TFoSIMtRRyXN8EciUhm1lBlvNIgOo-Kgkm33bCTugKPNk-l7mFoGFqNOMfa4gtuXjJPb7WIdaAkwr4LTF0iGWfGLP7RkOKqMeuw1g-CYgHei64GOnm4kgvLwMi8TQ&tn=kCH-R

[Coolaschmoola]

It's time for them to leave. I say this as a teacher of 16-19 year olds, mainly boys, predominantly with behavioural issues.

They do not respect you, and that won't change whilst they are ganging up on you and ruling the roost.

If they are in education, call their college, ask to speak to learner services and tell them what is happening. Tell them everything. Ask them to help you. They will know of the local independent living facility, and who to contact. They will know what they need to do to sort out benefits and bursaries.

Alternatively call social services and tell them they are causing emotional harm to your younger children and they have to leave, and ask for their help in moving them out.

It's time for tough love.

[MeteorGarden]

Kick them out and change the locks/ move - immediately!

They sound utterly appalling. As a mid 20’s who lived at home pre/post university (and with a brother their age) I can say without a doubt that we would NOT have expected to be allowed to behave that way without being thrown out on our ear!

[callitamay]

Kicking them out is not practical at the moment as they are 17. However it does sound wretched OP. I’m sorry

[Soontobe60]

If you live in local authority accommodation, and get evicted for their Asb, you could end up homeless!
I'd like to think there was a solution, but I think it's probably too late to change their ways. They need to be moved out. It worries me that they've been arrested several times but you say it's nothing serious. Getting arrested is VERY serious. Next time, they may well have a different experience of arrest than they have had so far, as they will be treated as adults.
Harsh as it may sound, their behaviour is a result of your parenting. You say you've already tried everything available, and well done for that. However, such challenging behaviour is almost impossible to change without getting really tough. You will find your younger ones copying their behaviour very soon. They need to move out, and you need to get them out now. As another poster advised, find out what support is out there for young adults first.

[lljkk]

1. I think you'd be fine to kick them out. But I don't think you're feeling tough enough to do that.
   
2. I want to understand more about "getting arrested on a regular basis". Doesn't that mean things like cautions, probation, fines, social services involvement? I want to say "who pays bail", but maybe not in UK.

[SouthWestmom]

''Harsh as it may sound, their behaviour is a result of your parenting. ''

I don't think is fair or true. My son has asd and is awful , similar to these two. I hate parenting, I hate what is said to me regularly. But unless you've neglected and abused them I don't think being a fairly normal person creates monster children.

Friends, tv, internet, personality - it's not all parental nurture