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So upset

(80 Posts)
rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:40:33

I just need some validation that I'm not over reacting really.

This morning I woke up to a flurry of messages off family informing me that my own daughter had announced her engagement on Facebook! Her bf had asked her last night and instead of waiting till morning to let me know she put it on fb and I had to find out that way! I'm so angry but she's acting like it's not a big deal and that I've ruined her engagement! I'm actually doubting my own sanity right now

Namechanger1404 Mon 13-Aug-18 21:25:33

I cannot believe some of the vitriolic responses on here, but it is mumsnet ehhmm

OP I would’ve been devastated to have learned, that such a special moment in my child’s life, was shared on a public forum before I knew. I agree, as parents we have ‘no rights’ however, would you tell your FB ‘friends’ that you were pregnant before telling your partner? It’s about sharing something special with those who are special and important to you. So though there are ‘no rights’ there are the emotional attachments we have to people very close to our hearts, that cause the hurt described in the OP.

This is NOT ‘all about the OP’ it’s about someone who feels very hurt. However, I would not have got into an argument about it.

People on here sometimes make me shudder with their vile comments..

Oh and FB is a pile of showy off shitehmm

Johnnyfinland Sun 12-Aug-18 19:54:33

Cherry I think you’re misinterpreting that because my parents don’t interfere in my life, that my relationship with them is nothing more than “polite visits” - that couldn’t be further from the truth. They’ve made quite clear on several occasions that I always have a room there if I need it, they’ve supported me through incredibly dark times, listened to my life/love/career dilemmas, I can literally tell my mum anything. Our relationship is much closer than many of my friends and their parents. They don’t have a pot to piss in financially so they won’t be giving me a house deposit any time soon but even if they were millionaires why should they? I don’t expect financial assistance from them although they have of course helped me with food shops etc when I’ve been super skint.

However, one principle of paramount importance in our relationship is that I should do what I feel is right/what makes me happy. They’ll always be there to support but they’d never try and interfere and influence me (I wouldn’t listen even if they did, I’ve always been naturally inclined to rebel!)

if they started going on about my boyfriend asking their approval to marry me or trying to influence my life choices or relationship, I’d think they’d lost the plot (and they’d say similar about people who try to exert that kind of influence over their adult children). Neither would they expect to be involved in the lead-up to my engagement, I think they’d think I’D lost the plot if I tried to bring them into it besides talking about it with them. I wouldn’t expect them to pay for my wedding either

SassitudeandSparkle Sun 12-Aug-18 17:39:34

I'd have been upset as well OP, and I know that something similar happened to my MIL (not via social media) and she was upset. It took a few days to tell my MIL by which time they'd booked the wedding venue shock

BakedBeans47 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:38:19

She really should have told you before sticking it on Facebook or instagram.

bubbles108 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:36:06

I don't think that you have any RIGHT to be told before the rest of the world @rachelw73

However I think it's KIND to tell those people closest to you, your closest family and best friends, about the news first

I think young people can be quite unkind, sometimes, totally unintentionally

And with social media being so immediate and young people being used to the immediacy of life, the thought of holding off announcements until family is informed, can be something which is completely forgotten

Tinkobell Sun 12-Aug-18 17:29:12 negatives, it's because you've officially become someone's MIL-to-be. MILs always get a hard time on MN. I'm dreading becoming one for the virtual negative press.

Tinkobell Sun 12-Aug-18 17:27:17

Ah that's nice to hear OP. Not worth having a major tiff over. Crack the bubbles and celebrate!

bellalou1234 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:19:54

I'm be upset its totally understandable your bound to be hurt. Cant believe people saying no big deal. Really?

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 17:16:21

She's sorry for being a bit thoughtless and I'm sorry for over reacting and because we are close it's all forgiven and we can now celebrate her and her lovely fiancés news eeeek!!!!!!

Lovely news OP, time for a celebration! gin there’s no champagne emoji so gin will have to do grin

rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:13:17

We've made up xx

Quite shocked at the nasty comments I got to be honest lol the asking her dads permission is just a daft family tradition where the dad obviously says yes then takes him for a beer good times lol

She's sorry for being a bit thoughtless and I'm sorry for over reacting and because we are close it's all forgiven and we can now celebrate her and her lovely fiancés news eeeek!!!!!!

Just hope I don't find out in the future that I'm going to be a granny via fb 😂😂

cherry2727 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:11:01

Op I do feel your anger, I'd feel hurt too and I'm not even old fashioned! Majority of the posters going against you wouldn't have liked it if a lot of important moments surrounding their family members were posted on fb without first being informed!
Just play koool and let them enjoy their moment. It's nice to know that there are still people like you around who care about respect . I too recently found out something from a very close friend via fb which she never shared with me until two weeks after the posting. I didn't say anything to her but since then I have devalued our friendship. Chin up and celebrate with her thanks

sunshinesupermum Sun 12-Aug-18 17:11:01

I'm so sorry that your daughter did this OP - I would also have been devastated if my DD had announced her engagement to all and sundry before telling me. My DD does announce other stuff on social media though. One day your grandchild may do the same to your daughter. You haven't ruined her engagement - she's done it herself by her thoughtlessness. flowers

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:06:40

I’d be upset OP. Think some pp are getting a kick out of making you feel bad.

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 17:03:01

It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

I think YANBU to feel hurt and upset, but I think YWBU to take the shine off her news by being angry with her.

I hope you can both resolve this and get round to celebrating!

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 17:02:23

CherryPavlova omg are you Crumbs with a new username????

cricketmum84 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:57:41

I really don't think that it's ok sad and to the pp who say that's just what young people are like these days stop making excuses for them!!
With any huge event like this surely everyone, regardless of age, makes sure all their family know before anything is announced on fb?
OP I would be fuming too. Although I would leave it for now as I'm sure your daughter will realise that it was out of order in time. Bloody Facebook is the source of all evil.

BellaShLex Sun 12-Aug-18 16:54:54

I don't think you're wrong to be hurt! I'm 26 and when I got engaged earlier this year, we didn't tell anyone until the morning after and the first people I told was my mum and then our other parents.

It's just about respect and actually sharing that excitement with family, changing a Facebook status to engaged is fine but I don't get why it would be okay to expect your own mum to find out that way. It doesn't take much to send a text or make a quick phone call, but it's done now!

Enjoy celebrating her engagement with her and I hope any sadness over not being told properly blows over soon for you. smile

CherryPavlova Sun 12-Aug-18 16:53:18

Johnnyfinland - each to their own. We’d be concerned if an engagement came out of the blue. We are involved in our adult children’s lives and those of their partners. Partly that’s financial but money is not the driving force. Their partners families are also involved in their lives.
It goes a bit deeper than the odd polite visit - and long may that last.
It’s about using our networks to help them in their careers, providing a (hopefully) wise counsel, supporting when life is tough (and as junior doctors and young military officers, life can sometimes be very tough). It’s about overt approval and validation of their choices. It’s also about house deposits, furniture, decorating, gardening, wedding costs, holidays and helping with unexpected costs.
We have lots of involvement in their lives but that’s their choices. It’s lovely.

zippey Sun 12-Aug-18 16:52:59

Asking the father for the daughters hand - what if the father says no? If it isn’t sexist, then why does the sons eife not ask the father for her husbands hand.

YouCanCallMeNancy Sun 12-Aug-18 16:52:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonnieF Sun 12-Aug-18 16:51:37

Announcing the engagement on social meeja before telling one’s parents is a bit thoughtless, but it’s nowhere near as selfish as the parents having a petulant tantrum about it and ruining the occasion.

Stop making this about YOU and be happy for your daughter.

RaininSummer Sun 12-Aug-18 16:49:56

I think it was very thoughtless of her to put it on fb before telling you OP. But she probably didnt.think, hurtful as that seems. Some young people forget that not everybody is glued to their phones 24/7. Don't make a big fuss but maybe ask her nicely if she could at least remember to text you when something.huge happens before.hitting social media.

Anyonewhoknows Sun 12-Aug-18 16:49:40

Thank goodness she isn't with the kind of man who needs to ask permission from someone else to marry her.
I can see how it would hurt finding out at the same time as everyone else but I think you need to let it go.

Firenight Sun 12-Aug-18 16:49:35

And my husband was expressly told by me NOT to ask permission. I walked myself up the aisle too.

NerrSnerr Sun 12-Aug-18 16:48:28

We no longer tell my side of the family anything before FB because we told them and they announced on FB my first pregnancy, our engagement and that I was in labour! That's a different issue though, I bet my mum still moans though.

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