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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Parents of adult children

So upset

79 replies

rachelw73 · 12/08/2018 15:40

I just need some validation that I'm not over reacting really.

This morning I woke up to a flurry of messages off family informing me that my own daughter had announced her engagement on Facebook! Her bf had asked her last night and instead of waiting till morning to let me know she put it on fb and I had to find out that way! I'm so angry but she's acting like it's not a big deal and that I've ruined her engagement! I'm actually doubting my own sanity right now

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LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 15:44

You're allowed to be hurt and angry, but visiting that on her is ridiculous. WTAF? It's not all about you. It's her engagement. Why can't you just be happy for her? That's so manipulative and immature to strop at her when she announced this event in her life the way she sees fit.

FissionChips · 12/08/2018 15:46

You are completely overreacting! Wtf is wrong with you?! Stop being so pathetic.

MissConductUS · 12/08/2018 15:47

She's an adult, correct?

I think that she was likely quite excited and wanted to get the word out as quickly and easily as possible.

Do you feel that she should have sought your permission or advice first?

Aria2015 · 12/08/2018 15:50

I think it's not great that you had to find out that way but she may just have got over excited and not really thought it all through and been desperate to share it with everyone. Maybe let her enjoy her engagement and once the excitement has died down a bit just tell her that you felt a bit hurt that she didn't tell you first and in a more personal way and then leave it at that. Hopefully she’ll keep that in mind for big news in the future. At the end of the day it's her news and she can share it how she likes but it doesn't hurt to consider other peoples feelings in such matters. Don't let it spoil her or your excitement over what should be a happy occasion.

rachelw73 · 12/08/2018 15:50

Wow I'm shocked that people honestly think it's ok to announce the engagement on social media before telling your parents!!! It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

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Aprilshowersinaugust · 12/08/2018 15:51

I also would have been devastated op.

FissionChips · 12/08/2018 15:53

It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

No, it’s special for her and you’ve ruined it.

Whisky2014 · 12/08/2018 15:54

I would have waited (and did) but younger folk dont think of things like that. Its all about fb these days. And even if you were upset, i wouldnt have told her because that is just guilt tripping her in what is supposed to be a happy time.

llangennith · 12/08/2018 15:56

Are you people real???
I don't think it's ok at all OP. I'd have been very hurt if any of mine had done.. Fortunately social media didn't exist at that time.
Tell her you're actually very hurt and maybe that's manifesting itself as anger. Will she be expecting you to pay for the wedding?

Talith · 12/08/2018 15:57

Unless she was getting engaged to you, you haven't any right to be notified ahead of an announcement. She's an adult. Don't make this all about you. It's her news. Her excitement.

FlibbertyGiblets · 12/08/2018 15:58

I know you're upset, you would have liked the moment to have been a special one. Hearing from others is a bit pants BUT pull on your big ones and laugh at how modern love is.

A nice cup of tea is in order.

Whoisalanbrazil · 12/08/2018 15:59

We told all of our close family and friends before updating facebook after a couple of days. My mum would have been devastated to have not been told beforehand and I can understand completely why, but I'm not sure if I agree with you taking her to task on it. What was done was done and now you're both upset.

rachelw73 · 12/08/2018 16:00

I'm hurt because we are so close and I've helped her through a previous violent relationship then the ensuing ptsd and depression. She's been amazing and come so far, met a lovely lad. So proud of her. I just thought when she got engaged she would tell me herself, maybe I'm being old fashioned but I thought he'd ask her dads permission etc

Maybe I'm wrong and this is how the modern world us nowadays where you tell virtual strangers before loved ones of your good news

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butlerswharf · 12/08/2018 16:01

It's her engagement so she was excited and posted about it as soon as it happened. Please don't ruin it by making it all about you.

FlibbertyGiblets · 12/08/2018 16:03

Deffo park asking permission! Your daughter belongs to no one! That is a yukky idea, seriously ugh.

LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 16:03

Tell her you're actually very hurt and maybe that's manifesting itself as anger. Will she be expecting you to pay for the wedding?

With a mother like this by the time she marries she might not be inviting her at all. God forbid people grow to be adults and decide their going to run their own lives how they see fit.

PotteringAlong · 12/08/2018 16:03

You’re making an occasion all about her all about you. Stop it. You will ruin your relationship.

madja · 12/08/2018 16:04

Ask her dad's permission? Really?
I know you must feel a bit upset, but she won't have thought about that with all the excitement. Just be happy for her.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/08/2018 16:05

I think she made a mistake, but everyone does from time to time. Please don't allow your upset at this mistake to become a barrier between you and your DD. You need to bite your tongue, congratulate them and look to the future.

LeftRightCentre · 12/08/2018 16:05

maybe I'm being old fashioned but I thought he'd ask her dads permission etc

For real? She's not a piece of chattel. It's 2018, not 1964. Are you on her FB? If so, then she announced it to all and sundry at the first time. I've helped my daughter through all kinds of things, but I did that freely as she's my child, certainly don't think that entitles me to be the alpha in her life.

FissionChips · 12/08/2018 16:05

With a mother like this by the time she marries she might not be inviting her at all

^ this.

rachelw73 · 12/08/2018 16:08

Ok thankyou everyone

I'm an older mum and have old fashioned views. Really appreciate everyone's views honestly xx

Got some making up to do now!! Xx

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Johnnyfinland · 12/08/2018 16:09

YABU. If I got proposed to I’d most likely post it on Instagram before I actually phoned/texted anyone to tell them individually. Also, as much as I’d obviously share it with my parents I wouldn’t consider them to be in any way involved with it. It’s my life and my engagement! And before anyone asks yes I do have a close and positive relationship with them, we speak every day. But it’s not them getting married is it! I don’t think they’d bat an eyelid, they don’t use social media so they wouldn’t see what I post on there anyway. And asking my dad’s permission? Get out of here. I wouldn’t marry a man who thought it was appropriate to do that.

FogCutter · 12/08/2018 16:11

I think it's up to the engaged couple to announce their engagement any way they like.

As a middle aged person not on social media I would have told my family first BUT I appreciate that other people - especially the younger generation - use social media more for this sort of stuff

CherryPavlova · 12/08/2018 16:14

I’d be upset if that happened to us too. We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise. It is old fashioned but then we are. It doesn’t signify the girls are ‘owned’ but rather than marriage is a huge commitment and works best with family support and approval.
They can do it privately and post on social media but I’d consider that thoughtless and immature.

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