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So upset

(80 Posts)
rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:40:33

I just need some validation that I'm not over reacting really.

This morning I woke up to a flurry of messages off family informing me that my own daughter had announced her engagement on Facebook! Her bf had asked her last night and instead of waiting till morning to let me know she put it on fb and I had to find out that way! I'm so angry but she's acting like it's not a big deal and that I've ruined her engagement! I'm actually doubting my own sanity right now

CherryPavlova Sun 12-Aug-18 16:14:27

I’d be upset if that happened to us too. We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise. It is old fashioned but then we are. It doesn’t signify the girls are ‘owned’ but rather than marriage is a huge commitment and works best with family support and approval.
They can do it privately and post on social media but I’d consider that thoughtless and immature.

starbrightlight Sun 12-Aug-18 16:14:42

I understand you feel hurt but if you can just recognise she was so excited she didn't stop to think before singing the wonderful news to the world. I think it was a mistake to voice your hurt feelings and you are completely out of touch for 'asking permission' to have even entered your head.

It sounds like you are close to your daughter so if were you I would back track rapidly and emphasise how thrilled and delighted you are and sorry for being such a menopausal twit. (Sorry if that offends anyone, I am often a menopausal twit myself.)

lovesugarfreejelly63 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:15:10

I think I would have been shocked and upset if my daughter had announced her engagement to all the world and his wife before informing her parents first, its called good manners, which appears to be lacking somewhat today.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 12-Aug-18 16:17:30

I may think it's not ideal but I wouldn't let her know. Engagements are lovely, like weddings, but it's marriage that's important. So, if he's a good person who will make her happy focus on that.

HollyGibney Sun 12-Aug-18 16:17:49

* Will she be expecting you to pay for the wedding?*

What does that have to do with anything? You seem to be implying that not being told first would impact on willingness to contribute. Incredibly controlling if so.

DartmoorDoughnut Sun 12-Aug-18 16:18:25

It wasn’t particularly thoughtful of her to not tell you first, even if it happened at 10pm a quick call saying “mum we’re engaged!” would have been fine but you’re BU with your reaction. “Darling I’m so happy for you!” to her and rant at your husband for not knowing first!

Whisky2014 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:20:11

You keep saying virtual strangers. They might be strangers to you but they wont be to her!!!

MrsJayy Sun 12-Aug-18 16:20:21

I think she has got a bit overexcited and a little thoughtless and put it on Fb but it is not a huge deal honestly it isn't please stop making it about you. The girl has come through a lot she doesn't need your grief apologise for your overdramatic reaction a nd be happy for them.

Johnnyfinland Sun 12-Aug-18 16:20:27

CherryPavlova I honestly don’t understand that viewpoint. Surely the marriage is between the two people getting married and no one else? Yes of course you’d meet each other’s families and perhaps casually discuss that you might be thinking of marriage but let’s say for example one family was dead against it? Would you expect them not to get married if the family didn’t support it?

Also, how much day-to-day involvement in a married couple’s life do you think their extended family would have? Obviously if grandparents or relatives are providing childcare further down the line then that’s a big thing, but for a childless couple it’s basically bugger all isn’t it, beyond visiting the respective families every so often? I personally wouldn’t want to marry into a family where we’d be expected to be involved in every aspect of each other’s life and live in each other’s pockets. I’d be marrying my husband not his relatives! And similarly he’s marrying me, not my family. Of course we’d keep in touch and visit etc (I speak to my parents every day) but what beyond that do you envisage happening that needs family approval?

GreenTulips Sun 12-Aug-18 16:25:18

I think it's an awful way to announce your engagement

Doing it personally creates lasts mg memories. Mum was thrilled as were DHs parents and sisters

- as apposed to what? 25 'likes'

FB does take away a lot of interaction.

'Hi mum I'm engage - yeah I like your post' .... not exactly creating a wow moment is it?

cheesefield Sun 12-Aug-18 16:26:10

Gobsmacked that in 2018 people expect for the fathers permission to be asked. Fucking hell.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:28:03

maybe I'm being old fashioned but I thought he'd ask her dads permission etc

Eugh. The sooner this horrible tradition dies, the better, imo. Good on him for NOT doing that.

Givemeabreak01 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:28:30

We announced ourengayon fb simply so that we A didn’t miss anyone out and hurt someone’s feelings (we both have big families) and B then everyone found out st the same time no one could complain we let so and so know first... so I get your upset but there maybe rational behind it

Givemeabreak01 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:29:33

Ffs our engagement!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:30:28

Ah, OP the 1950's called.... Really not very pro women, that daughters are chattels attitude. I can understand you being upset about the FB thing. Is your daughter young? IME people get more thoughtful as they get older. Don't spoil it for her though, it would be enough to let it be known, amid congratulating her.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:31:34

We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise. It is old fashioned but then we are. It doesn’t signify the girls are ‘owned’ but rather than marriage is a huge commitment and works best with family support and approval.

If that's the reason, why does it have to be your husband rather than both of you? Do you mean you think marriage works best if your husband supports and approves it? Have you taken a minute to think about how fucked up that sounds? It literally is a throwback to when women were the property of husbands and fathers- nothing else. And as someone else said, what would you expect to happen if your husband said no? For them not to get married at all?

Dreamscomingtrue Sun 12-Aug-18 16:32:04

I’d be upset too. Wouldn’t be expecting the asking Dad for permission bit these days but I’d tell close family before Facebook for sure. It’s called good manners and respect for your parents.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:33:36

We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise.

And also lol at the fact that your girls' marriage will only work if your husband approves, but your son's marriage will work fine without it, but needs the approval of his father in law. Seriously wonder how such dinosaurs are able to function in modern society.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit Sun 12-Aug-18 16:35:17

Aside from the asking permission bit, I too would be hurt if my dd didn't tell me first before posting on social media.
I think you have had some harsh comments here.

Tinkobell Sun 12-Aug-18 16:38:54

Yes OP, I'd feel pretty let down by that too. Have a chat with her and wish her well though ....lots of hugs and kisses. I'd put it down to the impetuosity of youth and nothing more. I'm sure she values your goodwill enormously.

AynRandTheObjectivist Sun 12-Aug-18 16:39:08

I'd be upset about this but I think you have to try to put it aside for your daughter's sake.

I'd be sounding off against a trusted friend though.

DaphneduM Sun 12-Aug-18 16:41:13

Times have changed, haven't they? I personally hate the attachment to the dreaded Facebook, but it's what young people do. We had a text from our only daughter to tell us that her boyfriend had proposed while they were on holiday. We were so happy, we half-expected it anyway - so it was great. When I got engaged my parents were delighted to announce it in the Daily Telegraph!!! Ironically my now husband's father was miffed and said he had heard about it via a client who had seen it in the DT (not true, he had been told by my husband - so a weird reaction!!!). I know it's not the ideal way of hearing, but you must put your feelings to one side and be happy for her. The young do things differently.

Gemini69 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:42:23

Facebook is the pits... flowers

FrozenMargarita17 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:44:01

I would have been very hurt but it's done now so I would try to move past it and get excited with her

AuntieStella Sun 12-Aug-18 16:44:36

I'd rather know before announcement to the whole world.

But it is her announcement, her special moment, and up to her (well, them - I'd hope DFiance got some say in it) how they do it.

I would however probably mention that it wasn't nice to find out from people ringing with congratulations when I had no idea there was anything to celebrate. But I'd do it in a way that meant it was a family in-joke - a tie that binds, not a rift. And cross my fingers that she does think of her dear old mum when things crop up in the future.

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