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So upset

(80 Posts)
rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:40:33

I just need some validation that I'm not over reacting really.

This morning I woke up to a flurry of messages off family informing me that my own daughter had announced her engagement on Facebook! Her bf had asked her last night and instead of waiting till morning to let me know she put it on fb and I had to find out that way! I'm so angry but she's acting like it's not a big deal and that I've ruined her engagement! I'm actually doubting my own sanity right now

LeftRightCentre Sun 12-Aug-18 15:44:13

You're allowed to be hurt and angry, but visiting that on her is ridiculous. WTAF? It's not all about you. It's her engagement. Why can't you just be happy for her? That's so manipulative and immature to strop at her when she announced this event in her life the way she sees fit.

FissionChips Sun 12-Aug-18 15:46:59

You are completely overreacting! Wtf is wrong with you?! Stop being so pathetic.

MissConductUS Sun 12-Aug-18 15:47:20

She's an adult, correct?

I think that she was likely quite excited and wanted to get the word out as quickly and easily as possible.

Do you feel that she should have sought your permission or advice first?

Aria2015 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:50:46

I think it's not great that you had to find out that way but she may just have got over excited and not really thought it all through and been desperate to share it with everyone. Maybe let her enjoy her engagement and once the excitement has died down a bit just tell her that you felt a bit hurt that she didn't tell you first and in a more personal way and then leave it at that. Hopefully she’ll keep that in mind for big news in the future. At the end of the day it's her news and she can share it how she likes but it doesn't hurt to consider other peoples feelings in such matters. Don't let it spoil her or your excitement over what should be a happy occasion.

rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:50:57

Wow I'm shocked that people honestly think it's ok to announce the engagement on social media before telling your parents!!! It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

Aprilshowersinaugust Sun 12-Aug-18 15:51:21

I also would have been devastated op.

FissionChips Sun 12-Aug-18 15:53:06

It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

No, it’s special for her and you’ve ruined it.

Whisky2014 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:54:12

I would have waited (and did) but younger folk dont think of things like that. Its all about fb these days. And even if you were upset, i wouldnt have told her because that is just guilt tripping her in what is supposed to be a happy time.

llangennith Sun 12-Aug-18 15:56:55

Are you people real???
I don't think it's ok at all OP. I'd have been very hurt if any of mine had done.. Fortunately social media didn't exist at that time.
Tell her you're actually very hurt and maybe that's manifesting itself as anger. Will she be expecting you to pay for the wedding?

Talith Sun 12-Aug-18 15:57:26

Unless she was getting engaged to you, you haven't any right to be notified ahead of an announcement. She's an adult. Don't make this all about you. It's her news. Her excitement.

FlibbertyGiblets Sun 12-Aug-18 15:58:43

I know you're upset, you would have liked the moment to have been a special one. Hearing from others is a bit pants BUT pull on your big ones and laugh at how modern love is.

A nice cup of tea is in order.

Whoisalanbrazil Sun 12-Aug-18 15:59:41

We told all of our close family and friends before updating facebook after a couple of days. My mum would have been devastated to have not been told beforehand and I can understand completely why, but I'm not sure if I agree with you taking her to task on it. What was done was done and now you're both upset.

rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:00:59

I'm hurt because we are so close and I've helped her through a previous violent relationship then the ensuing ptsd and depression. She's been amazing and come so far, met a lovely lad. So proud of her. I just thought when she got engaged she would tell me herself, maybe I'm being old fashioned but I thought he'd ask her dads permission etc

Maybe I'm wrong and this is how the modern world us nowadays where you tell virtual strangers before loved ones of your good news

butlerswharf Sun 12-Aug-18 16:01:47

It's her engagement so she was excited and posted about it as soon as it happened. Please don't ruin it by making it all about you.

FlibbertyGiblets Sun 12-Aug-18 16:03:00

Deffo park asking permission! Your daughter belongs to no one! That is a yukky idea, seriously ugh.

LeftRightCentre Sun 12-Aug-18 16:03:14

Tell her you're actually very hurt and maybe that's manifesting itself as anger. Will she be expecting you to pay for the wedding?

With a mother like this by the time she marries she might not be inviting her at all. God forbid people grow to be adults and decide their going to run their own lives how they see fit.

PotteringAlong Sun 12-Aug-18 16:03:58

You’re making an occasion all about her all about you. Stop it. You will ruin your relationship.

madja Sun 12-Aug-18 16:04:53

Ask her dad's permission? Really?
I know you must feel a bit upset, but she won't have thought about that with all the excitement. Just be happy for her.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 12-Aug-18 16:05:11

I think she made a mistake, but everyone does from time to time. Please don't allow your upset at this mistake to become a barrier between you and your DD. You need to bite your tongue, congratulate them and look to the future.

LeftRightCentre Sun 12-Aug-18 16:05:32

maybe I'm being old fashioned but I thought he'd ask her dads permission etc

For real? She's not a piece of chattel. It's 2018, not 1964. Are you on her FB? If so, then she announced it to all and sundry at the first time. I've helped my daughter through all kinds of things, but I did that freely as she's my child, certainly don't think that entitles me to be the alpha in her life.

FissionChips Sun 12-Aug-18 16:05:52

With a mother like this by the time she marries she might not be inviting her at all

^ this.

rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:08:40

Ok thankyou everyone

I'm an older mum and have old fashioned views. Really appreciate everyone's views honestly xx

Got some making up to do now!! Xx

Johnnyfinland Sun 12-Aug-18 16:09:31

YABU. If I got proposed to I’d most likely post it on Instagram before I actually phoned/texted anyone to tell them individually. Also, as much as I’d obviously share it with my parents I wouldn’t consider them to be in any way involved with it. It’s my life and my engagement! And before anyone asks yes I do have a close and positive relationship with them, we speak every day. But it’s not them getting married is it! I don’t think they’d bat an eyelid, they don’t use social media so they wouldn’t see what I post on there anyway. And asking my dad’s permission? Get out of here. I wouldn’t marry a man who thought it was appropriate to do that.

FogCutter Sun 12-Aug-18 16:11:10

I think it's up to the engaged couple to announce their engagement any way they like.

As a middle aged person not on social media I would have told my family first BUT I appreciate that other people - especially the younger generation - use social media more for this sort of stuff

<blimey I sound like a right old woman saying that!>

CherryPavlova Sun 12-Aug-18 16:14:27

I’d be upset if that happened to us too. We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise. It is old fashioned but then we are. It doesn’t signify the girls are ‘owned’ but rather than marriage is a huge commitment and works best with family support and approval.
They can do it privately and post on social media but I’d consider that thoughtless and immature.

starbrightlight Sun 12-Aug-18 16:14:42

I understand you feel hurt but if you can just recognise she was so excited she didn't stop to think before singing the wonderful news to the world. I think it was a mistake to voice your hurt feelings and you are completely out of touch for 'asking permission' to have even entered your head.

It sounds like you are close to your daughter so if were you I would back track rapidly and emphasise how thrilled and delighted you are and sorry for being such a menopausal twit. (Sorry if that offends anyone, I am often a menopausal twit myself.)

lovesugarfreejelly63 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:15:10

I think I would have been shocked and upset if my daughter had announced her engagement to all the world and his wife before informing her parents first, its called good manners, which appears to be lacking somewhat today.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 12-Aug-18 16:17:30

I may think it's not ideal but I wouldn't let her know. Engagements are lovely, like weddings, but it's marriage that's important. So, if he's a good person who will make her happy focus on that.

HollyGibney Sun 12-Aug-18 16:17:49

* Will she be expecting you to pay for the wedding?*

What does that have to do with anything? You seem to be implying that not being told first would impact on willingness to contribute. Incredibly controlling if so.

DartmoorDoughnut Sun 12-Aug-18 16:18:25

It wasn’t particularly thoughtful of her to not tell you first, even if it happened at 10pm a quick call saying “mum we’re engaged!” would have been fine but you’re BU with your reaction. “Darling I’m so happy for you!” to her and rant at your husband for not knowing first!

Whisky2014 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:20:11

You keep saying virtual strangers. They might be strangers to you but they wont be to her!!!

MrsJayy Sun 12-Aug-18 16:20:21

I think she has got a bit overexcited and a little thoughtless and put it on Fb but it is not a huge deal honestly it isn't please stop making it about you. The girl has come through a lot she doesn't need your grief apologise for your overdramatic reaction a nd be happy for them.

Johnnyfinland Sun 12-Aug-18 16:20:27

CherryPavlova I honestly don’t understand that viewpoint. Surely the marriage is between the two people getting married and no one else? Yes of course you’d meet each other’s families and perhaps casually discuss that you might be thinking of marriage but let’s say for example one family was dead against it? Would you expect them not to get married if the family didn’t support it?

Also, how much day-to-day involvement in a married couple’s life do you think their extended family would have? Obviously if grandparents or relatives are providing childcare further down the line then that’s a big thing, but for a childless couple it’s basically bugger all isn’t it, beyond visiting the respective families every so often? I personally wouldn’t want to marry into a family where we’d be expected to be involved in every aspect of each other’s life and live in each other’s pockets. I’d be marrying my husband not his relatives! And similarly he’s marrying me, not my family. Of course we’d keep in touch and visit etc (I speak to my parents every day) but what beyond that do you envisage happening that needs family approval?

GreenTulips Sun 12-Aug-18 16:25:18

I think it's an awful way to announce your engagement

Doing it personally creates lasts mg memories. Mum was thrilled as were DHs parents and sisters

- as apposed to what? 25 'likes'

FB does take away a lot of interaction.

'Hi mum I'm engage - yeah I like your post' .... not exactly creating a wow moment is it?

cheesefield Sun 12-Aug-18 16:26:10

Gobsmacked that in 2018 people expect for the fathers permission to be asked. Fucking hell.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:28:03

maybe I'm being old fashioned but I thought he'd ask her dads permission etc

Eugh. The sooner this horrible tradition dies, the better, imo. Good on him for NOT doing that.

Givemeabreak01 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:28:30

We announced ourengayon fb simply so that we A didn’t miss anyone out and hurt someone’s feelings (we both have big families) and B then everyone found out st the same time no one could complain we let so and so know first... so I get your upset but there maybe rational behind it

Givemeabreak01 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:29:33

Ffs our engagement!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:30:28

Ah, OP the 1950's called.... Really not very pro women, that daughters are chattels attitude. I can understand you being upset about the FB thing. Is your daughter young? IME people get more thoughtful as they get older. Don't spoil it for her though, it would be enough to let it be known, amid congratulating her.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:31:34

We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise. It is old fashioned but then we are. It doesn’t signify the girls are ‘owned’ but rather than marriage is a huge commitment and works best with family support and approval.

If that's the reason, why does it have to be your husband rather than both of you? Do you mean you think marriage works best if your husband supports and approves it? Have you taken a minute to think about how fucked up that sounds? It literally is a throwback to when women were the property of husbands and fathers- nothing else. And as someone else said, what would you expect to happen if your husband said no? For them not to get married at all?

Dreamscomingtrue Sun 12-Aug-18 16:32:04

I’d be upset too. Wouldn’t be expecting the asking Dad for permission bit these days but I’d tell close family before Facebook for sure. It’s called good manners and respect for your parents.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 16:33:36

We expect my husband to be asked for the girls hands and we expect our son to do likewise.

And also lol at the fact that your girls' marriage will only work if your husband approves, but your son's marriage will work fine without it, but needs the approval of his father in law. Seriously wonder how such dinosaurs are able to function in modern society.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit Sun 12-Aug-18 16:35:17

Aside from the asking permission bit, I too would be hurt if my dd didn't tell me first before posting on social media.
I think you have had some harsh comments here.

Tinkobell Sun 12-Aug-18 16:38:54

Yes OP, I'd feel pretty let down by that too. Have a chat with her and wish her well though ....lots of hugs and kisses. I'd put it down to the impetuosity of youth and nothing more. I'm sure she values your goodwill enormously.

AynRandTheObjectivist Sun 12-Aug-18 16:39:08

I'd be upset about this but I think you have to try to put it aside for your daughter's sake.

I'd be sounding off against a trusted friend though.

DaphneduM Sun 12-Aug-18 16:41:13

Times have changed, haven't they? I personally hate the attachment to the dreaded Facebook, but it's what young people do. We had a text from our only daughter to tell us that her boyfriend had proposed while they were on holiday. We were so happy, we half-expected it anyway - so it was great. When I got engaged my parents were delighted to announce it in the Daily Telegraph!!! Ironically my now husband's father was miffed and said he had heard about it via a client who had seen it in the DT (not true, he had been told by my husband - so a weird reaction!!!). I know it's not the ideal way of hearing, but you must put your feelings to one side and be happy for her. The young do things differently.

Gemini69 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:42:23

Facebook is the pits... flowers

FrozenMargarita17 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:44:01

I would have been very hurt but it's done now so I would try to move past it and get excited with her

AuntieStella Sun 12-Aug-18 16:44:36

I'd rather know before announcement to the whole world.

But it is her announcement, her special moment, and up to her (well, them - I'd hope DFiance got some say in it) how they do it.

I would however probably mention that it wasn't nice to find out from people ringing with congratulations when I had no idea there was anything to celebrate. But I'd do it in a way that meant it was a family in-joke - a tie that binds, not a rift. And cross my fingers that she does think of her dear old mum when things crop up in the future.

nuttyknitter Sun 12-Aug-18 16:45:32

Both my sons in law took me and my DH out for a meal and told us they were going to propose to our daughters, and I know my DS did the same with his now in laws. None of them was asking permission, but they were asking our approval and we were very touched. However, I wouldn't have been at all offended if they hadn't and I wouldn't have minded how they chose to announce it - it wasn't my news it was theirs.

Missingstreetlife Sun 12-Aug-18 16:46:47

What daphne said, it is hurtful but young people don't rate family so much.

Firenight Sun 12-Aug-18 16:47:31

I did that. Honestly, it was not intended as a big announcement, we just tweaked our status, and it didn’t occur to us we needed to ring round the parents first. No offence was meant.

Timeforachange68 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:47:47

I'd be upset too so don't question your sanity OP, having said that nothing would surprise me with my ds and as they live their lives via social media it will most likely become the norm!

Anyonewhoknows Sun 12-Aug-18 16:47:51

You helped her out of an abusive relationship but want her to be with the kind of man who seeks permission from your husband to marry his daughter as though she was a possession and? That is some fucked up thinking.

NerrSnerr Sun 12-Aug-18 16:48:28

We no longer tell my side of the family anything before FB because we told them and they announced on FB my first pregnancy, our engagement and that I was in labour! That's a different issue though, I bet my mum still moans though.

Firenight Sun 12-Aug-18 16:49:35

And my husband was expressly told by me NOT to ask permission. I walked myself up the aisle too.

Anyonewhoknows Sun 12-Aug-18 16:49:40

Thank goodness she isn't with the kind of man who needs to ask permission from someone else to marry her.
I can see how it would hurt finding out at the same time as everyone else but I think you need to let it go.

RaininSummer Sun 12-Aug-18 16:49:56

I think it was very thoughtless of her to put it on fb before telling you OP. But she probably didnt.think, hurtful as that seems. Some young people forget that not everybody is glued to their phones 24/7. Don't make a big fuss but maybe ask her nicely if she could at least remember to text you when something.huge happens before.hitting social media.

BonnieF Sun 12-Aug-18 16:51:37

Announcing the engagement on social meeja before telling one’s parents is a bit thoughtless, but it’s nowhere near as selfish as the parents having a petulant tantrum about it and ruining the occasion.

Stop making this about YOU and be happy for your daughter.

YouCanCallMeNancy Sun 12-Aug-18 16:52:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippey Sun 12-Aug-18 16:52:59

Asking the father for the daughters hand - what if the father says no? If it isn’t sexist, then why does the sons eife not ask the father for her husbands hand.

CherryPavlova Sun 12-Aug-18 16:53:18

Johnnyfinland - each to their own. We’d be concerned if an engagement came out of the blue. We are involved in our adult children’s lives and those of their partners. Partly that’s financial but money is not the driving force. Their partners families are also involved in their lives.
It goes a bit deeper than the odd polite visit - and long may that last.
It’s about using our networks to help them in their careers, providing a (hopefully) wise counsel, supporting when life is tough (and as junior doctors and young military officers, life can sometimes be very tough). It’s about overt approval and validation of their choices. It’s also about house deposits, furniture, decorating, gardening, wedding costs, holidays and helping with unexpected costs.
We have lots of involvement in their lives but that’s their choices. It’s lovely.

BellaShLex Sun 12-Aug-18 16:54:54

I don't think you're wrong to be hurt! I'm 26 and when I got engaged earlier this year, we didn't tell anyone until the morning after and the first people I told was my mum and then our other parents.

It's just about respect and actually sharing that excitement with family, changing a Facebook status to engaged is fine but I don't get why it would be okay to expect your own mum to find out that way. It doesn't take much to send a text or make a quick phone call, but it's done now!

Enjoy celebrating her engagement with her and I hope any sadness over not being told properly blows over soon for you. smile

cricketmum84 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:57:41

I really don't think that it's ok sad and to the pp who say that's just what young people are like these days stop making excuses for them!!
With any huge event like this surely everyone, regardless of age, makes sure all their family know before anything is announced on fb?
OP I would be fuming too. Although I would leave it for now as I'm sure your daughter will realise that it was out of order in time. Bloody Facebook is the source of all evil.

PeakPants Sun 12-Aug-18 17:02:23

CherryPavlova omg are you Crumbs with a new username????

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 17:03:01

It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

I think YANBU to feel hurt and upset, but I think YWBU to take the shine off her news by being angry with her.

I hope you can both resolve this and get round to celebrating!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:06:40

I’d be upset OP. Think some pp are getting a kick out of making you feel bad.

sunshinesupermum Sun 12-Aug-18 17:11:01

I'm so sorry that your daughter did this OP - I would also have been devastated if my DD had announced her engagement to all and sundry before telling me. My DD does announce other stuff on social media though. One day your grandchild may do the same to your daughter. You haven't ruined her engagement - she's done it herself by her thoughtlessness. flowers

cherry2727 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:11:01

Op I do feel your anger, I'd feel hurt too and I'm not even old fashioned! Majority of the posters going against you wouldn't have liked it if a lot of important moments surrounding their family members were posted on fb without first being informed!
Just play koool and let them enjoy their moment. It's nice to know that there are still people like you around who care about respect . I too recently found out something from a very close friend via fb which she never shared with me until two weeks after the posting. I didn't say anything to her but since then I have devalued our friendship. Chin up and celebrate with her thanks

rachelw73 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:13:17

We've made up xx

Quite shocked at the nasty comments I got to be honest lol the asking her dads permission is just a daft family tradition where the dad obviously says yes then takes him for a beer good times lol

She's sorry for being a bit thoughtless and I'm sorry for over reacting and because we are close it's all forgiven and we can now celebrate her and her lovely fiancés news eeeek!!!!!!

Just hope I don't find out in the future that I'm going to be a granny via fb 😂😂

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 17:16:21

She's sorry for being a bit thoughtless and I'm sorry for over reacting and because we are close it's all forgiven and we can now celebrate her and her lovely fiancés news eeeek!!!!!!

Lovely news OP, time for a celebration! gin there’s no champagne emoji so gin will have to do grin

bellalou1234 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:19:54

I'm be upset its totally understandable your bound to be hurt. Cant believe people saying no big deal. Really?

Tinkobell Sun 12-Aug-18 17:27:17

Ah that's nice to hear OP. Not worth having a major tiff over. Crack the bubbles and celebrate!

Tinkobell Sun 12-Aug-18 17:29:12

....re: negatives, it's because you've officially become someone's MIL-to-be. MILs always get a hard time on MN. I'm dreading becoming one for the virtual negative press.

bubbles108 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:36:06

I don't think that you have any RIGHT to be told before the rest of the world @rachelw73

However I think it's KIND to tell those people closest to you, your closest family and best friends, about the news first

I think young people can be quite unkind, sometimes, totally unintentionally

And with social media being so immediate and young people being used to the immediacy of life, the thought of holding off announcements until family is informed, can be something which is completely forgotten

BakedBeans47 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:38:19

She really should have told you before sticking it on Facebook or instagram.

SassitudeandSparkle Sun 12-Aug-18 17:39:34

I'd have been upset as well OP, and I know that something similar happened to my MIL (not via social media) and she was upset. It took a few days to tell my MIL by which time they'd booked the wedding venue shock

Johnnyfinland Sun 12-Aug-18 19:54:33

Cherry I think you’re misinterpreting that because my parents don’t interfere in my life, that my relationship with them is nothing more than “polite visits” - that couldn’t be further from the truth. They’ve made quite clear on several occasions that I always have a room there if I need it, they’ve supported me through incredibly dark times, listened to my life/love/career dilemmas, I can literally tell my mum anything. Our relationship is much closer than many of my friends and their parents. They don’t have a pot to piss in financially so they won’t be giving me a house deposit any time soon but even if they were millionaires why should they? I don’t expect financial assistance from them although they have of course helped me with food shops etc when I’ve been super skint.

However, one principle of paramount importance in our relationship is that I should do what I feel is right/what makes me happy. They’ll always be there to support but they’d never try and interfere and influence me (I wouldn’t listen even if they did, I’ve always been naturally inclined to rebel!)

if they started going on about my boyfriend asking their approval to marry me or trying to influence my life choices or relationship, I’d think they’d lost the plot (and they’d say similar about people who try to exert that kind of influence over their adult children). Neither would they expect to be involved in the lead-up to my engagement, I think they’d think I’D lost the plot if I tried to bring them into it besides talking about it with them. I wouldn’t expect them to pay for my wedding either

Namechanger1404 Mon 13-Aug-18 21:25:33

I cannot believe some of the vitriolic responses on here, but it is mumsnet ehhmm

OP I would’ve been devastated to have learned, that such a special moment in my child’s life, was shared on a public forum before I knew. I agree, as parents we have ‘no rights’ however, would you tell your FB ‘friends’ that you were pregnant before telling your partner? It’s about sharing something special with those who are special and important to you. So though there are ‘no rights’ there are the emotional attachments we have to people very close to our hearts, that cause the hurt described in the OP.

This is NOT ‘all about the OP’ it’s about someone who feels very hurt. However, I would not have got into an argument about it.

People on here sometimes make me shudder with their vile comments..

Oh and FB is a pile of showy off shitehmm

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